AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

Op you are coming across like those ‘boy mums’ on social media who believe you are their son’s first love/true love and no woman will ever compete. It’s toxic as fuck

As they reach adulthood their relationships change. You need to let go and also stop trashing his Gf. A 50 minute drive is a long drive, wft planet do you live on.

I say this as someone in her 30’s who didn’t have weekly/ monthly prison sentences dinners with my parents in my 20’s, but now I have a DH a 2 year old and live 2 minute drive from them. We have a normal positive family relationship and see each other all the time. It all ebbs and flows, let it go.

OP, your DS has chosen to build a life with GF. This means that he is choosing to make life decisions and spend his free time with her. The best thing you can do is encourage this. Let him know that they have an open invitation to visit or join you all for takeout night, Sunday roast, etc… but don’t pressure or guilt him for creating a life away from your family. Be especially careful not to blame GF for your DS not visiting. Even if he doesn’t come because she doesn’t want to. He is making the choice on how he spends his time. She is going to have her own comfort level and preferences and that needs to be supported also. Nothing you have posted leads me to believe she is in anyway isolating DS or abusing him, so don’t pit yourself against her.

Try to understand that his life is busy. He is learning to balance everything. He is also a two hour round trip away and that chunk of time can feel daunting after work, food shopping, house chores and other life admin. Try to accept that the way of life he decides to create for himself, whether there is a partner or not, takes precedence over his former life as a child in your household. Even once a month can be a lot for a young adult building their own lives and learning their own boundaries.

It is understandable that you miss him and want to spend more time with him. It is also understandable that you don’t want him to miss out on spending time with elderly relatives. The thing is, it is normal and healthy for his priorities to change as he gets older. At his stage of life, prioritizing his independence, GF, friends, and work over his family of origin should be encouraged and supported. Him visiting for holidays, birthdays and special occasions actually sounds like a lot of visiting and like he is putting in a lot of effort. Be warm and welcoming to them both when you see them and supportive of them when he decides to do other things with his time.

Your son quite frankly sounds a bit of a shit/commitment-phobe/cocklodger. It sounds dreadful that he took the step of living with women who weren't that important to him, especially as he's lived with at least 4 by the age of 30. Living with someone should be a serious step, when you're really committed and see the future with the other person. You won't always be the most important woman in your son's life if he is with a partner ( or maybe you will if he carries on behaving like he has done).

LindPat · I do pop to them as well but it’s not as useful because when we do the family nights, the whole extended family gets together as we are all near here, they’re the ones living further away so all 15 of us would have to go there.

I am struggling to understand why you think 15 of you would absolutely have to go to his house.
The only reason is you can't accept that he does not want to attend the family take away night. You're trying to keep the 15 people plus your son as a rigid rule. He's walked away from those gatherings.

It's impossible to keep life how you'd like it. I'd like changes in my three sons visiting habits but I am not that important to them now they have married. I didn't find the changes hard to accept as it never entered my head that I'd get what I want above their needs
Their wives come first and jolly good too. I came first with my husband and I expected him to put me first

You've had a family friday night get together for 15 people for years - how lovely and lucky is that.

Now you still have a family friday night get together but your son isn't really coming any more. That is normal. He is moving away from his family of origin and setting up structures of his own. He has had a lot of friday night get togethers so maybe he doesn't see it as much of a loss. He has better things to do. It is all normal. And you have lots of people still at the get together.

OP, please don't give out to him about coming once a month or whatever. Do you really want your son to be sitting at yours one Friday a month because you made him? Just say to him that he is welcome any time - friday or not friday and so is his girlfriend. say nothing if they don't turn up.

Could be opposite OP and you have an adult son who still acts like a child. My older brother (50) is permanently single he has never really had a girlfriend or a serious relationship. He visits my parents every week and my mum cooks his favourite meals.

I think my parents (especially my mum), would prefer if he had a wife and kids and was busy with that sort of life, even if it kept him away.

15 people all together every single Friday evening. My god how suffocating. I bet you all go on holiday together and everything.

This constantly living in each others pockets would drive me batshit, no wonder your son wants a bit of independence.

It’s the fact you expect it. He’s an adult working full time, life gets busy and he and his partner will want to make weekend plans without having to work around some set in stone takeaway night. I wouldn’t like the rules and obligations TBH. Just let him come when he wants to, why force him? Would you have wanted your partner writing off Friday nights to eat takeaway an hour away with his mum when you were first together?

I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

You are being EXTREMELY unreasonable. And controlling. Wow.

i only blame her as she is very quick to jump in to defend it when the topic comes up and proclaims how it’s “too much driving after work” or “too much to always use a weekend day” before he seems to even manage to explain it properly himself. She also doesn’t see her family much so I think she has convinced him it’s not necessary

No wonder you son doesn’t want to visit you often. You HATE his girlfriend don’t you? Poor girl.

I think you need to do some self reflection before you damage the relationship with him beyond repair.

I can see your point that once a month doesn't seem much to ask, but your son is an adult now and carving his own life.
Personally I would hate a 50 min drive each way after a long week at work, even if I was going to see my extended family , so for me you are being unreasonable.

She definitely shouldn't be obliged to go. God I'd hate to have to go to my in laws extended family gathering every week. Sounds like she put up with a lot. Let him do his own thing and you will end up seeing him more. Otherwise what's your plan? To coerce him into seeing you with emotional blackmail? That should go down well! Thinly veiled comments on what your expectations are of his girlfriend won't go down well either. Maybe ask yourself why you are holding on to these strict rules you have on etiquette and 'Family values'. Is it a way for you to make sense of the world? These ideas you have don't suit everyone. Only you.

Op I think if you’re going over to his once a month then he probably feels like he’s already having regular time with you.
To him going to you every month for a full family gathering probably feels a bit pointless as with that many people there no one is having a meaningful conversation. It probably feels like a chore to him at this point in his life.

we go see DH’s mum once a month plus DH sees her alone once a month, but a whole family catch up is maybe 3 times a year… and that to us feels like plenty! To be honest the only reason we go to those are because we know it means a lot to mil to have everyone together occasionally, and to be clear it’s usually me having to persuade DH to attend the full family gatherings as he doesn’t enjoy them.
I see my mum on my own every other week, we are very close, but a full family gathering on my side of the family is an annual event for my mums birthday, and that is plenty!

'Opinionated' isn't really a word you use about someone you like.

I have 2 brothers and they saw my parents regularly as they (apart from when the younger one worked abroad for several years) lived close by. When I lived 170 miles away for 15 years, they saw me 3 weekends a year.

It's a myth that daughters are automatically closer to parents.

This. My MIL did exactly the same, couldn’t accept her son has a serious girlfriend then wife, tried ti dictate when we would see them and ultimately it has driven him away so now we hardly see them ( once every 3mibths) when it used to be once a month.
you must let your children choose their own path and make their own decisions. They don’t owe you anything

😂😂😂
I think this may be your problem….

@LindPat are you retired? Do you have any idea what it is like to work flat out Mon-Fri? Let me tell you that Friday nights are sacrosanct to me, I am at home or socialising with friends. I am NOT going to be driving nearly an hour each way for something more than a few times per year.

Weekends are precious catch up times when you work full time.

Your expectation of duty will just push your son away, you need to cut those apron strings.

My MIL was like this, it was exhausting to have the expectation. Then we realised that however much we visited SHE ALWAYS WANTED MORE. Once we realised and let go a bit it was very much easier and we visit for a weekend about 3 times a year (600 mile round trip).

My own parents are 10 mins away. I’ll be there in an emergency, otherwise once a week ish when it suits me, for a quick cuppa.

are you from a different cultural background OP? I personally don’t think it’s too much to expect to make the effort once a month on a day of his choosing. In addition he grew up in that close family environment and you thought he enjoyed seeing his family. I think perhaps you say, you don’t mind when he pops in but the extended family would love to aee him around once a month and grandparents won’t be around forever.

Exactly this

We have always been expected to go see MIL- no matter what
Copped attitude if we had other plans or if we would say 'how about you come here for DD birthday' - as an example

What did we do? Moved interstate

She blamed me when in reality it was DH saying, im sick of this one-sided BS, sick of the holier than thou attitude, sick of me being treated differently to his brothers (now ex) wives

He’s an adult. He doesn’t want to, that’s it.

I suspect it's more likely that he doesn't want to do it and she has maybe given him the confidence (and excuse) to say he doesn't want to do it.

Dont be that MIL who blames her sons behaviour and decisions on her DIL. Mine has form for doing this and it makes me think less of her as a result and has meant I haven't really fostered a relationship with her. In her eyes the fact her dss don't visit much is down to SIL and I when the opposite is actually true - if it wasn't for me pushing him she would never hear from dh - I have to remind him it's her birthday/mothers day.

I understand, I have a ds who has moved out and in with his gf and I hardly see him as he works full time and doesn't drive. I would never expect him to spend his Friday nights with us - he's out enjoying himself and being young, spending his spare time relaxing or hanging out with his gf and mates. It's the natural order of things.

Youll push him away mor3 if you make demands.

Agree with others who have said you sound a bit stifling. He is growing up and carving out his own life, this includes being able to decide if and when he sees you. If you are saying the comments to him which are saying on here then it might drive him away. You’re being very demanding.

He's growing up and creating his own life, and that's a good thing.

The very best way to encourage visits is to make your home a place that it is enjoyable to visit, and nothing is less enjoyable than a parent trying to guilt their child into coming more often.

Let it go, and enjoy your time together when he does come.

Firstly your son is an adult. He has a mind of his own so stop blaming his gf because you sound bitter and jealous. And honestly if you are as anti her om real life as you have been here I think you have your answer as to why your son doesn't want to see you.

Secondly you have been repeatedly asked of you make any effort to go to them and I can't see that you have answered so it would seem a fair assumption that you don't. Again...why the hell should he/they have to do a 2 hour round trip for a takeaway when you can't be bothered to do the same? You are being ridiculous.

My mil makes zero eggirt but expects everyone else to. She is also forever making snipey remarks.

Before you ruin whatever is left of your relationship with your son take a very long hard look at yourself and your behaviour and be brutally honest because from how you have been here I cam totally see why he wants to distance himself.

The point of having a child is to raise a human being who will make their own family, friends and tribe and needs the space and time to do that. This 'close family values' just stops individuating because it doesn't let people focus on making their own family, just carrying on what they were born into. If all humans thought that way, we'd have died out a long time ago as no one would ever emigrate or start their own traditions.

My friends and I are all close to our families but no one has the time to visit every month especially a 50 min drive. People barely get time as a couple, or with friends or to do hobbies - a parental visit shouldn't eat into limited spare time.

He's a young man in love, there's a whole world to explore awaiting him, and it's ok for you and the extended family to not be the priority now.