AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

15 people on holiday together. Every year.

That poor girlfriend.

Do you organise it OP? Does anyone actually get a say about whether they're going or not?

It sounds utterly horrific to me.

I am in my 50s and have to visit my parents every Sunday for an hour. They live 10 minutes away and it feels like a tedious obligation.

No way would I expect a regular commitment from a young adult and his partner. My kids are at University and I absolutely love it when they lead full and busy lives away from me. I would never and will never put an expectation on them to visit me.

Friday nights are to relax at home after work or go out. It is definitely not one to drive 50 minutes to visit your parents for as a regular thing!

One of my fears is to feel like an obligation or duty to my young adult kids. As rbhbgs stand now, they want to see me. But when they eventually settle down, I do not expect them to see me as a regular commitment. I hope that they will want to see me but I will never make them feel guilty about it.

OP, you have got this very wrong. Don’t become a duty to your son. Unconditional love means loving each other, even if you’re not physically together or doing things for each other. Please don’t make your life revolve around your son.

This sounds so horrible and claustrophobic constantly wanting to be in your families pocket

Did you stop paying for the takeaways? 😂

And it's not common at all to all go away together every year.

That is extremely unusual. Perhaps once for a special birthday, a family might holiday together, including two or three generations, but every year is just weird. It sounds to me as though your son is discovering that not all families are the same and choosing something different.

I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself

Why? Do you want to raise an independent human who goes out into the world or a clone for company who doesn’t challenge your (small) world view?

So he comes for at least 15 family birthday celebrations a year but they don’t count because it’s “just a meal out”

However, the few hours he spent with you on Mother’s Day also don’t count because it did not include a special meal.

You really don’t see how you’re being unreasonable here? Give the boy some peace. You can harp on about the weekly family take away as much as you like but it’s not an important tradition he should feel obliged in joining you for. You’re going to push him away.

Having read your most recent update, I would.kindly suggest that you have reached .big transition in life where the primary person is no-longer you and your family but his new partner. This is very normal and healthy. It also shows that you have done something right in your parenting...well done!! I think you seem to have some unhealthy depe dependencies and expectations. I wonder if they come in part from you only being able to define your value and place in the world by being useful to others and a kind of matriarch figure.
I would suggest some counselling to help you transition into the new season. Perhaps identify one club or interest that you could do to start to create a part of life that is just about you and not your family. If you get this transition right and let your boy fly with the wings you have given him, he will feel free and enjoy your company. Ironically the less you demand, the.more you will get. Also don't forget that it can be quite natural for young adults to do their own thing and be less available. Down the line when children appear things can often start to pull together a but more.
Take the time to position this right. Make your home a place where they feel.looked after but not stifled. Welcome them with love and no strings when they arrive, take an interest in the girlfriend's life and look for ways to affirm and build her up. If grandchildren hopefully come along they can look to you for unconditional care and practical support not judgement or expectations of your access rights or negative views on their parenting.
Best of luck op.

Mine too. I think it's far from normal for loads of adults to still go on holiday with their original family once they have left home.

I would love to know how your people all really think about it, OP.

The next one, instead of organising it yourself, ask someone else to do it and see if it still happens.

I would only do the odd 'duty' visit if I was the gf too as you sound so rigid in your views and have backed yourself so much that I imagine you would not come off well. All the 'family values' and tradition shite would get right up my nose.

Maybe start having phone conversations with your son instead of the massive expectations. It might work better for him.

No worries not replying.

But no, it isn't normal for 15 people of one family to holiday together. His girlfriend must be an absolute saint to do this. And yet you run her down? I hope you won't put the expectation on him that he has to do this every year.

It would be my idea of sheer hell. My DD is going on holiday with her partner, his mother (her MIL) and her sister in law and her husband. She is doing it for the sake of her partner, but she is absolutely dreading it. They both feel obliged to do it to be honest. And it's not that she doesn't get on with her MIL (even though she is demanding), it's the fact she is spending precious time with people that aren't her family. Aren't her friends. It will be fine but luckily it's only limited to 5 days or so and in this country.

OP you will hopefully have lots of people there for you in your time of need. I wonder if this thread would have been better received by most if it read “AIBU to be disappointed my son doesn’t visit even once a month”

i have two adult children who at the moment enjoy spending time with us but have not officially moved away (at Uni) and the adult children of my friends are the same although they have the freedom to have their own lives. I will be disappointed if they don’t want to visit me even once a month.

@LindPat How often does your DS’s GF see her family?

Does your DS join her?

Keeping things even is important.

I don't understand. He celebrates 15 birthdays of extended family with his family, he goes on holiday with them, then there's Easter, Christmas, Mothering Sunday. All this is with his Mother.

He does a helluva lot more than most adult children.

But it turns out that her son actually visits more than once a month. He attends the annual birthday celebrations of each of the 15 people that attend the family take away every Friday night. But apparently these visits don't count for OP as they aren't in her home, they are in a local restaurant.

OP's son and girlfriend visited for two hours on Mother's Day but that didn't count because they didn't attend the family meal in the evening.

Her son and girlfriend visited on Boxing Day but that didn't count because it wasn't on Christmas day.

OP's son and girlfriend also go on the annual family holiday with OP and these 15 people.

In my opinion, OP's son and girlfriend are flipping saints to do all that for someone that doesn't think a visit counts unless it meets her definition of a 'family tradition'.

I think it’s lovely how dedicated and devoted you are to your family. I adore my family including my cousins too. This closeness and expectation to all be together frequently is NOT the typical family situation however. Over time with siblings/cousins growing up and scattering across the country we barely see each other as one big unit anymore. It’s a shame but it’s normal modern life and everyone is doing well and having careers and children of their own.

Gently, I think you need to keep your door open but accept that he is an adult in what is (I imagine) his first real adult relationship and does not live that close by. I think most people in their twenties would prioritise coming home to their partner at the end of the working week (or meeting up with friends) rather than driving 50 min each way to see their family.

Take pride in how you’ve brought him up and trust that he knows he always has a loving, supportive family. Also, make an extra special effort with his girlfriend. Her character isn’t the reason he is coming home less

Yabu and expecting too much. It's normal for young people to build their own lives and for their parents to reduce in relevance. In a decade or so when he's got his own children there may be more room for you in your new role as grandma, but that's not yet. There are only 52 weekends a year and there's way more than 52 thing a 20-something yo young man wants to do with a weekend, it is unreasonable of you to lay claim to a quarter of them, and unreasonable for you to want him to drive that distance for a short Friday night visit. The tighter you grasp, the less you will hold, you will push him away. Assuming they will come and stay with you at least alternate Christmases, you can reasonably hope for 2 or 3 other weekends in the year, but ideally ask him if that could be the whole weekend friday night to sunday evening (assuming you can convert his old room into a welcoming guest room for them both) with enjoyable activities together to make it a holiday. That will be much better time than driving all the way for a couple of hours.

I think we come back to the fact that it's totally reasonable to expect him to see you, but not to make that dependent on coming on a Friday night.

If he's coming for birthdays, Christmas, mother's day and Easter, that's already 18x a year. Add in you visiting them once a month ish and that's 30x a year.

I view myself as really pretty close to my parents, and I probably only see them as much as you're describing. I reckon I see them once every 2 ish weeks on average but is it quite variable. E.g. saw them this weekend (they helped me with DIY), last weekend (mother's day), the weekend before that I'd didn't, the weekend before that we went out, the one before that for a walk, then it was 10 days before that, then I don't think I had seen them for more than a month, looking my calendar. Maybe mum popped in for a cuppa for 20 mins one lunch time but I think I was just busy with other things and they will have been too.

I guess what I'm saying is, I am really very close to my family and I STILL don't think I would meet your expectations of what a son or daughter should be doing.

So you might find you'll be happier if you make a broader friendship group outside family etc so that you're not relying on your family for all your social contact.

I'm not saying don't carry on seeing them as you do now, but I think you have to learn to live with how things are, and expect it may even reduce further as they build their lives. So you need to change your life enough to be happy with the status quo.

Her mum visits her quite a bit and my son goes out with them every time unless she specifically just wants time with her mum, her other family don’t seem to be seen much, think they have only gone once to see the rest of the family since the new year! That’s what does surprise me, she just doesn’t do things with the rest of her family but my son does go whenever she asks him if he wants to go

This post makes much more sense of the intensity of your previous posts and also perhaps your not understanding why a weekly commitment, every Friday,l after work, an hour away from home sounds knackering.
Yes, and kindly meant, you really need something going on outside of family life. Many somethings in fact. Some hobbies, maybe volunteering. Find your identity beyond just mum, wife, daughter, auntie, cousin. I think it would be very healthy for you but would also help you understand your son and his GF's perspective a lot more.

@Ineffable23 How you describe your relationship with your parents is exactly what it's like for my adult children and me. Sometimes we've gone weeks without seeing each other for various reasons (work pressure for them, holidays, us away, them away) but we're in touch literally all the time and then there's a flurry of getting together and it's magical.
I put no expectations on them whatsoever. It just happens naturally.

can you please read back everything you are saying. If you had a daughter and her boyfriend’s mum was blaming her, for lazy ass son’s behaviour, would you be pleased? I find it incredibly confusing how women blame other women on men’s shortcomings. The truth is, he cannot be bothered to see you. You blame her because god forbid you actually realise your son is lazy and cannot be bothered. Get a grip woman.

Just because you have this (to my mind, weird) close family thing of all getting together every Friday night, and holidaying with 15 of you... you have to understand, you are the unusual ones!
It's only just April, she's seen her extended family this year, what's strange about that?

Don't you see from the replies to you on here, that your family is the exception, not the rule?

Exactly - I love seeing my parents and am genuinely close to them. But there are no expectations. If we're busy then we're busy and no one worries about it.

We ended up moving across the country to get away from other family where their expectations could never be met and nothing anyone did was good enough.

Why is her son lazy? He sees her about 30 times a year and holidays with her and the extended family.