Page 20 | AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

LindPat · 2025-04-04T21:19:30+00:00

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

Nospecialcharactersplease · 05/04/2025 17:00

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:52

To be fair one thing I maybe agree with is I do need more things going on in my life because I genuinely think family is everything and apparently that isn’t normal. Yes, he is my only child and he was an IVF baby. I left work when I got married and spent my time helping raise my nephews and niece, the one who helped the parents in times of poor health. I’ve simply just done absolutely everything for the family, always. It means a lot to me and feels important. I haven’t worked since before I was married and my days are just focused on the family. I take my brother in law to work most days, have picked nephew up from uni, take father in law to hospital appointments, have the family dogs when they’re not home. I do feel I keep the family together

You sound like a very kind person OP but I wonder if the balance needs to shift a bit now that the kids are growing up? Perhaps you can spread your wings a bit - you might enjoy a bit of self discovery after such a long time focused on others.

You’ve taken a bit of a hammering on this thread and I think your expectations of your young adult son are unrealistic for this stage in his life, but you’ve shown a lot of self awareness in this last comment. I think it might be the thread that helps you unravel why you’ve developed an overbearing approach and where you might go from here.

Sakura7 · 05/04/2025 17:02

I was going to ask if the OP works and I see from her most recent post that she hadn't done so in a long time.

OP, working full time is really tiring and weekends are precious. After a long week, who in their right mind wants to give up their Friday night for a two hour round trip to sit on a sofa and eat a takeaway?

You badly need to develop some interests of your own as your dependence on your son is unhealthy. He's a young man building his life, you should be proud of that instead of sniping at him and his girlfriend.

It's suffocating, and if you carry on behaving like this you will lose him.

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 17:02

I think OP you are doing all this for the wider family to feel important, valued, loved. I imagine you absolutely hated it when your son found a girlfriend and moved out!

But you should be proud that you brought him up, he's happy, he's living his life. Honestly, believe me, you are slowly but surely alienating him. You need to say to him.... I quite understand you don't want to come to takeaway Friday night, you must be tired after work and it's your time with girlfriend. If you want to do it anytime, just let me know, otherwise it's fine.
Because if you carry on like this, I doubt you will see him at all.

I imagine his girlfriend is sick to the back teeth of the 25-30 visits a year! Don't blame her.
Let it happen naturally for goodness sake.

As for the seeing every man and his brother for every birthday, seriously, this is very weird!!!

Grapewrath · 05/04/2025 17:04

If there are 15 close family members and he comes for birthdays and events, he probably sees you more than most would.
Family takeaway monthly when he live 2 hours away is unreasonable- he doesn’t need to see his cousins and extended family that often. That happens when kids grow up and get lives of their own.
its not his gf, he’s just not 8 years old

RedRock41 · 05/04/2025 17:05

Just thinking too OP. It will be important that you support his decision with the family too. If they make comments could become a rift which pushes DS even further away. Enjoy the time you do have with him and take a step back meantime.

thepariscrimefiles · 05/04/2025 17:05

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:52

To be fair one thing I maybe agree with is I do need more things going on in my life because I genuinely think family is everything and apparently that isn’t normal. Yes, he is my only child and he was an IVF baby. I left work when I got married and spent my time helping raise my nephews and niece, the one who helped the parents in times of poor health. I’ve simply just done absolutely everything for the family, always. It means a lot to me and feels important. I haven’t worked since before I was married and my days are just focused on the family. I take my brother in law to work most days, have picked nephew up from uni, take father in law to hospital appointments, have the family dogs when they’re not home. I do feel I keep the family together

You are probably much younger than me and the only woman I know that has never worked since being married was my late ex-MIL who would be in her late 90s now.

You were always going to feel adrift and at a loose end when your son left home but your expectations of him and his girlfriends are completely unrealistic. I assume they both work full-time and their time together will be precious. Your son visits a lot but instead of being grateful, you seem to categorise his visits into 'proper visits in accordance with family traditions' and 'visits not in accordance with family traditions' which don't count or pay off his debt to you.

You will end up pushing them both away.

HappySheldon · 05/04/2025 17:05

Tolkienista · 05/04/2025 14:39

15 members of my family at a gathering on a Friday night would be something I'd avoid at any cost.
Wrong night of the week after being at work, too far to travel & too many people when all I want is peace and quiet.

I know you must be upset at the many replies you've received on here opposing your view, but this is an open forum & people are entitled to their opinions.
I hope you will take each one as written from the heart and learn that we don't all fit into the same mould including your son.

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I'll just say again- expectations along these lines is what made me abandon both my family and my home country and run far and fast.

I left Australia in 1999. I go back possibly (roughly) every 3 years or less. It was about every 2 years pre-covid now it's less. I left at the age of 25. I DREAD going back to see my parents because of my mother's expectations that I fulfill her idea of 'happy families'. I now have 2 Dcs aged 14 and 12 and they only come to Australia roughly every second time I go because I won't put them through it.

The OP's expectations are sounding very familiar.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 05/04/2025 17:07

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

Part of letting your children grow up and become independent is accepting that, as they start families of their own, they may well want to start their own family traditions, @LindPat - and that these may be different to your family traditions.

If you try to insist your son stays bound to your traditions, you could drive him away - and that’s the last thing you want.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 05/04/2025 17:07

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:52

To be fair one thing I maybe agree with is I do need more things going on in my life because I genuinely think family is everything and apparently that isn’t normal. Yes, he is my only child and he was an IVF baby. I left work when I got married and spent my time helping raise my nephews and niece, the one who helped the parents in times of poor health. I’ve simply just done absolutely everything for the family, always. It means a lot to me and feels important. I haven’t worked since before I was married and my days are just focused on the family. I take my brother in law to work most days, have picked nephew up from uni, take father in law to hospital appointments, have the family dogs when they’re not home. I do feel I keep the family together

OK, so I think this gets to the nub of it. Your life revolves entirely around your family and you don't have much going on beyond that family. You had perhaps assumed that your son's life would follow a similar trajectory, and you're hurt that that's not what he wants.

The thing is, OP, most people love their families and enjoy spending time with them while also wanting to pursue their own careers, hobbies and friendships outside of the family. With respect, your life sounds quite narrow and a bit limited. You may be happy with that or you may not, but your ds is not wrong to want something different.

It doesn't mean that he doesn't value his family or that he doesn't love you. It simply means that he has recognised that the world is a big place with lots of interesting people to meet and interesting things to do, so he needs to divide his time accordingly.

I spent most of my twenties living abroad and I saw very little of my parents for most of that decade - occasional visits home, but that was it. It didn't mean that I cared about my parents any less, I was just living my life. And now I'm at a different stage of my life, I'm see my elderly dad every day to check that he is OK.

You need to change your perspective. This isn't a rejection from your ds, or a failure on his part to fulfil his duties as a son. It is simply part of a natural process of him spreading his wings and exploring all that the world has to offer. Be happy for him, and simply let him know that you're always happy to see him whenever he feels like getting together.

murasaki · 05/04/2025 17:09

If I were him, I'd be seriously considering emigrating. Except she'd still expect him to get in a plane for a takeaway once a month.

He works, OP, he has a life. I get that you feel your role is supporting the family, amd don't get how tired you feel after a working week, but you can support him in finding his way by not pressurising him and laying on guilt trips.

Dearg · 05/04/2025 17:09

Gosh op you are deeply invested in your extended family. You take BIL to work every day? That is truly above and beyond most of our expectations.

You say you feel that you are keeping the family together. This is very telling to me.

I would kindly ask you to think about what would happen if you did not do everything you do. Would the family fall apart ? Surely not if you are all so close?

You are due some time to develop in other areas of your life. Try some new hobbies, volunteer.

Whatever you do, please back off with the controlling your son. You will drive him away. And if his GF becomes mother to your grandchildren - you are going to want an easier relationship with her.

C8H10N4O2 · 05/04/2025 17:09

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

You need to stop digging and to stop blaming the GF for your adult son's choices. I'm surprised she comes as often as she does - I would not be doing duty visits to a bunch of people who "don't dislike me", who find me "opinionated" and who think so little of my partner that they assume he has no brain and I make all his decisions for him.

Its entirely normal that at the end of a long week they don't want to schlep out on a two hour round trip for a takeaway with the entire family. Its not even as if you are cooking for them! They want some down time together on a Friday and have their own friends and the GF family to fit in as well as their own housework at weekends.

You see him 15 times a year for family events but that doesn't count as its a meal out.

You saw them boxing day but that doesn't count as it wasn't Christmas day.

You saw them on Mother's day but that doesn't count as they didn't stay into the evening on a work night.

You visit them every month at least once but that doesn't count as the entire tribe are not there.

This bizarre nonsense where a visit only counts if its in your house, a takeaway and all of your family around is only going to drive him away with the weight of expectation and guilt tripping. If you want to keep your adult children you need to let them go. Otherwise they leave.

If you want actual advice I can tell you what my parents and grandparents did - they made it clear we were welcome any time, first Sunday of the month would be a big family lunch or barbecue and the only expectation on any of use was to say yay or nay for catering numbers. Even then a late change of mind wasn't a problem.

We all rocked up as regularly as we could because we felt welcome and not "demanded". Sometimes we didn't feel like it - no drama ensued. We followed the same approach with our own DC. Nor did we or our parents insult our own DC by assuming their partner was making their decisions for them. This trope of blaming the DiL because you don't like your son's decisions will only ensure you see them less and not more.

Live your own life, let them live theirs. You will find you see more of them.

Praying4Peace · 05/04/2025 17:11

I can understand why you are upset OP, I would be too

KidsDoBetter · 05/04/2025 17:11

I voted you are unreasonable and I do think you are. But I also think you and your family sound lovely and as someone with no family nearby and who lost her mum when I was 30, I’m quite jealous 😃.

you all sound lovely. But honestly. Do yourself a favour. Just be happy to see them both when they do come and accept they have their own lives. 50 mins IS a long drive after work.

LuckySantangelo35 · 05/04/2025 17:12

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:52

To be fair one thing I maybe agree with is I do need more things going on in my life because I genuinely think family is everything and apparently that isn’t normal. Yes, he is my only child and he was an IVF baby. I left work when I got married and spent my time helping raise my nephews and niece, the one who helped the parents in times of poor health. I’ve simply just done absolutely everything for the family, always. It means a lot to me and feels important. I haven’t worked since before I was married and my days are just focused on the family. I take my brother in law to work most days, have picked nephew up from uni, take father in law to hospital appointments, have the family dogs when they’re not home. I do feel I keep the family together

@LindPat

how come you didn’t work before you got married, OP?

Oh and yes you deffo need to develop more of a life for yourself! Get a job, volunteer, get a hobby, join a meet up group, join a gym…the world is your oyster! 😊 There is more to life than family!

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 17:14

If your son is the eldest of the cousins, I think you will find that in time to come, they will all be leading their lives like your son is... and the 15 for takeaway every Friday night, will turn into 3 or 4!

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 17:15

I asked earlier but you didn't answer... do you all go on holiday together?

I hope not. Because that's yet another pressure for your son.

Botanybaby · 05/04/2025 17:16

He's an adult with his own life
You need to cut the apron strings and realise this.

He's an adult with his adult life and mortgage and bills And his own relationship and friends

Kindling1970 · 05/04/2025 17:18

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

You don’t like that she persuades him with her opinions? I’m sorry but you are the most controlling mother I’ve seen in years on MN. You’re like bloody cult leader saying it’s my way or no way and why doesn’t my son have exactly the same opinions and values as me. It’s mental and it sounds like you are a very damaging mother. Appreciate your son, don’t shame him for not wanting to do exactly what you want him to.

please seek therapy as there must be some underlying issue here. I’m so glad he has found a girlfriend who has shown him the light! Or maybe he was always desperate to get away from your controlling behaviour and it’s about him, not her.

you’re literally not listening to what anyone on MN says which shows exactly what you are like as a mother. You are very lucky your son speaks to you at all in my opinion. Show some fucking respect back.

Original poster

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:20

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 17:15

I asked earlier but you didn't answer... do you all go on holiday together?

I hope not. Because that's yet another pressure for your son.

We do holiday together as well but not always, we go on different ones separately as well but one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common? Even his girlfriend came to that one and everyone had a lovely time. Apologies for missing but I am so surprised how many comments I’ve had, it’s hard to keep up

OP posts:

Hollietree · 05/04/2025 17:22

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

You say “I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you”

I hear “I did hope that my son would have the same values to me. And if he didn’t I would throw a tantrum and emotionally blackmail him into keeping me happy and pretending to have the same values to me.”

godmum56 · 05/04/2025 17:22

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:20

We do holiday together as well but not always, we go on different ones separately as well but one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common? Even his girlfriend came to that one and everyone had a lovely time. Apologies for missing but I am so surprised how many comments I’ve had, it’s hard to keep up

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My. Worst. Nightmare.

murasaki · 05/04/2025 17:22

LindPat · 05/04/2025 17:20

We do holiday together as well but not always, we go on different ones separately as well but one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common? Even his girlfriend came to that one and everyone had a lovely time. Apologies for missing but I am so surprised how many comments I’ve had, it’s hard to keep up

Show quote history

Not common at all for 15 people from the same family to holiday together. Really really not.

It sounds like a hellscape.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/04/2025 17:22

one holiday every year is all 15 of us but surely that is quite common?

It really isn’t. I haven’t been on holiday with family since I was in my early 20s, we all want different types of holiday or to do different things while we were there, so it would be a recipe for disaster.

HappySheldon · 05/04/2025 17:23

OP- sorry it is really NOT common that 15 people have a takeaway every Friday night or go on holiday together once a year. It's not. It's suffocating and restricting. It's not normal to drive an in-law everywhere.

Maybe you have been pushed into the role of matriarch. I suspect it's quite restricting and suffocating for you too, if you gave yourself a chance to think about it. It's completely not normal to have sacrificed your entire personality onto the altar of 'family'. Even the Sopranos probably had a day off now and then.