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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

672 replies

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:19

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

OP posts:
Nannyfannybanny · 05/04/2025 16:40

I'm an only child, and I would feel completely overwhelmed by 15 people. Are you in the UK, I wonder from your writing style if you are Irish or a non British culture?

Newbie8918 · 05/04/2025 16:42

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:23

He always said he would come, he likes seeing his nanny and grandads and he’s lucky they’re still here and I do think he should make the most of it. He only changed his opinion slowly over these months. As I say, he did start with coming every week still

i am surprised at the amount people think it’s bad to expect anything off anyone

Then you need to stop ‘being surprised’! You’ve got scores of people on here telling you that you are wrong to demand his attendance but you won’t let up!

thepariscrimefiles · 05/04/2025 16:42

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

I cant believe that if your son attends any meet ups outside your home, you think they don't actually count! He is making an effort to travel 50 minutes to see you and have a meal in a restaurant with you but because he doesn't attend the 'family tradition' Friday takeway with 15 other people every week, he is still being neglectful?

Honestly, you will end up pushing your DS and his girlfriend away. I dread to think what will happen if they have children. I look forward to your DIL's posts on here if that happens.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/04/2025 16:43

Whatever he gives you, it's never going to be enough because you refuse to see him as an adult who can make his own choices.

His girlfriend is not responsible for his actions, but as a couple they will be trying to balance each others way of life and own expectations, so no she doesn't have to come to every event, why should she?

The truth is unfortunately that he doesn't want to come and see you in the way that you think counts ( whatever the fuck that's about ) he has out grown you and if you don't change your mindset he will continue to out grow you and you will become even less relevant to him.

RedToothBrush · 05/04/2025 16:43

I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life

Newsflash he's in his twenties and developing his own identity separate from you.

You don't know him, not like you used to. And you saying you know him better than his gf knows him, is a recipe for disaster.

You WILL lose him.

And it will be you losing him rather than any girlfriend stealing him from you.

None of what you are saying is healthy

2024onwardsandup · 05/04/2025 16:43

OP google enmeshment and have a read

Nannyfannybanny · 05/04/2025 16:44

I was close to my cousins as a child, now we tend to see each at funerals..we all moved to different areas, different countries.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/04/2025 16:45

Mother’s Day was a pop in for a couple hours at lunch time, wasn’t there for the family dinner, so not ideal

You’re going to have to get used to the idea that while family events are everything to you, they’re not to him, and nor would they be to many people. He has a different life now and it’s not wrong for him to spread his wings. TBH all this expectation of regular attendance at large family gatherings and it “not being ideal” that he only saw you for a few hours on Mother’s Day sounds incredibly stifling, shades of you wanting him to want “a little life”. In his shoes I wouldn’t want the expectation of attendance either, never mind his poor girlfriend.

You can either unclench and accept there’s a world outside your family, or you can risk pushing him away permanently. Your call.

Newbie8918 · 05/04/2025 16:46

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

Ah. Here are your true feelings on the poor GF! He’s a grown arse man. She’s not brain washing him. He simply doesn’t want to come (for good reason). You fail to see how much you are pushing him away!

RedRock41 · 05/04/2025 16:46

Sorry you’re a bit hurt OP. Unfortunately agree that a once a month set expectation with a fairly long drive round trip after work could feel more like a chore not something to look forward to. Respect his boundaries and don’t over analyse the why. Just let it drop and enjoy time with those who do want to come.
Does come across that whilst you assure you like his GF that you do somewhat resent her perceived influence. Wouldn’t go down that route. Live and let live better than nagging or guilt trip.
Family traditions change and evolve. All we can do is give our offspring roots and wings. Unfortunately that does mean letting them decide how they want to keep in touch.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/04/2025 16:48

Is he your only child op?

FortyElephants · 05/04/2025 16:48

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

I am sorry but this is madness. Why do you consider them not the same thing? Why is it not good enough to see your son outside of your sacred family takeaway night? You're so rigid and bizarre in your thinking. Your DS is more likely to be relieved to be validated by his girlfriend than being persuaded by her that he shouldn't be coming. He gives you plenty of his time already.

TinyFlamingo · 05/04/2025 16:49

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

OP you do realize there's only 52 weeks a year and the special events make up 20-30 of them (including your visits). The additional 12 are unreasonable. That's 42 weeks a year out of a possible 52. When will him and his GF live their life? Socialise? Holiday?
Don't forget we work 80% of our work week and 20% is precious.

You aren't being grateful for the enormity of the time he is giving you from his finite amount of free time.

Just trying to reframe.

Everything you write about the GF gets worse and worse. Please reflect on this. Also she isn't your family so expecting her to join in is crazy. And weaponising her lack of seeing her cousins that actually sounds normal. Again, gratitude

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 16:51

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

So the fact he is spending all this time with the family is not the same as this daft tradition of a takeaway for 15 every Friday. No, he should not have to 'make the effort' for that. It's his life! How tedious to have to finish work and go and join all his relatives for a takeaway on one of the best nights of the week... Friday. Leave him alone or you will find you rarely see him.

And stop stop stop with criticising him about his values. It isn't values. He sees the family a helluva lot more than lots of adults that age and it still isn't enough for you. Nothing to do with values. He must feel under incredible pressure from you. It's really awful.

And your paragraph about his girlfriend is horrible. What is the matter with you. No, you don't like her. Just be honest. You can't write all that shit about someone if you do like them.

Original poster
LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:52

To be fair one thing I maybe agree with is I do need more things going on in my life because I genuinely think family is everything and apparently that isn’t normal. Yes, he is my only child and he was an IVF baby. I left work when I got married and spent my time helping raise my nephews and niece, the one who helped the parents in times of poor health. I’ve simply just done absolutely everything for the family, always. It means a lot to me and feels important. I haven’t worked since before I was married and my days are just focused on the family. I take my brother in law to work most days, have picked nephew up from uni, take father in law to hospital appointments, have the family dogs when they’re not home. I do feel I keep the family together

OP posts:
LlamaDuke · 05/04/2025 16:53

He's moved out and making his own 'traditions' with his girlfriend, so you'll have to get used to it I'm afraid - you don't want to turn it into an obligation for him, rather than something he wants to do, as it will eventually push him away even further.

LakieLady · 05/04/2025 16:54

After a busy, stressful working week, the last thing I would dream of doing would be a 50 minute drive to spend the evening with 15 other people, then 50 minutes driving back again, no matter how much I liked them. I'd be too knackered to enjoy it, and the most I could manage would be popping out locally for a few drinks or maybe a meal.

And the thought of being expected to do the same thing every godamn month, even if it was Saturday brunch/Sunday lunch with just a few close friends frankly makes me lose the will to live.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/04/2025 16:54

Honestly, you need your own life. Stop living through others, including your son.

AngelicKaty · 05/04/2025 16:54

WavyRavey · 05/04/2025 16:38

Respectfully ma'am, I see why he doesn't bother as much, you lot sound extremely intense.

Indeed. The first thought that crossed my mind hearing that 15(!) of them gather every Friday was "claustrophobic".

RedToothBrush · 05/04/2025 16:55

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:52

To be fair one thing I maybe agree with is I do need more things going on in my life because I genuinely think family is everything and apparently that isn’t normal. Yes, he is my only child and he was an IVF baby. I left work when I got married and spent my time helping raise my nephews and niece, the one who helped the parents in times of poor health. I’ve simply just done absolutely everything for the family, always. It means a lot to me and feels important. I haven’t worked since before I was married and my days are just focused on the family. I take my brother in law to work most days, have picked nephew up from uni, take father in law to hospital appointments, have the family dogs when they’re not home. I do feel I keep the family together

Yes you have an unhealthy dependency on him and are unwilling to let him go live HIS life.

His life is not yours. You've done your job. It's done. Over.

Time to find your own life independent of him.

SnakesAndArrows · 05/04/2025 16:55

You are coming across as incredibly self-absorbed and impervious to other points of view. It’s difficult to believe you’re real.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 05/04/2025 16:57

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

He still sees you all and comes and its not good enough

We actually stopped going to those family events as well with all the expectations and demands

No you dont like her, your trying to pretend to save face
You say its her putting words in his mouth, persuading him
its her choosing to stay home to manipulate him,
you call her rude for opting out even though she comes on occasion,
you call her opinionated like its a bad thing
You use clever in a derogatory way - like she scheming, brainwashing him - i put money on he agrees with her but is worried you will flip your lid. That was my DH
She knows, she feels you dont like her

I havent seen my brother or cousins in 15-20 years - a year is nothing

sandyhappypeople · 05/04/2025 16:57

Its lovely you all get together once a week, but the expectation can wear you down to be honest, plus a 50 min each way drive at the end of the working week, can’t have a drink because driving etc would not appeal to me in the slightest, it would quickly become an obligation, which I would then start to resent.

let him come when he wants to, not pressure him to come because it is expected.

he may have just realised that it isn’t necessary to see you all so much, and actually it had started to feel like an obligation, leave it open and he may come back to it in time.

TinyFlamingo · 05/04/2025 16:57

LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:52

To be fair one thing I maybe agree with is I do need more things going on in my life because I genuinely think family is everything and apparently that isn’t normal. Yes, he is my only child and he was an IVF baby. I left work when I got married and spent my time helping raise my nephews and niece, the one who helped the parents in times of poor health. I’ve simply just done absolutely everything for the family, always. It means a lot to me and feels important. I haven’t worked since before I was married and my days are just focused on the family. I take my brother in law to work most days, have picked nephew up from uni, take father in law to hospital appointments, have the family dogs when they’re not home. I do feel I keep the family together

That's an amazing story OP. But definitely time to find you and have other things going on. Find yourself. It'll take some pressure off and you'll all benefit.

That intense spotlight is hard to experience, especially only child, IVF miracle etc etc.
I would hate for you to love so hard that you lose him from your life inadvertently.

Check out women who love too much as well, you might get some other perspectives.

It takes work but you can do it

Ineedcoffee2021 · 05/04/2025 16:58

SnakesAndArrows · 05/04/2025 16:55

You are coming across as incredibly self-absorbed and impervious to other points of view. It’s difficult to believe you’re real.

Believe it

My MIL is very much like this

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