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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

672 replies

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:19

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

OP posts:
PinkArt · 05/04/2025 15:33

LindPat · 05/04/2025 14:50

Yes there is usually something going on for everyone’s birthday and he does come for those but it’s usually a meal out or something like that. His girlfriend only comes to about 1/3 of those. Christmas was him coming down Boxing Day with the girlfriend, so not there for the main Christmas which is fine but they will come this year for it. Mother’s Day was a pop in for a couple hours at lunch time, wasn’t there for the family dinner, so not ideal

Show quote history

Did you say to him that his mother's day visit was 'not ideal'?!
It becomes clearer with each post why this is a dynamic they've found it healthier to distance themselves from a little. And it really is only a little distance if you factor in his visits for 15 people's birthdays, Christmas, Easter, Mother's Day.... Surely you can't be going more than a couple of weeks without seeing each other as it is.
Give your son and 'the girlfriend ' (again, it is very clear that you hate her and I imagine she is very aware of this) the breathing space they need to live their lives. Make family days something fun to look forwards to, not a commitment that they'll be told of for not doing in an ideal way.

ParsnipPuree · 05/04/2025 15:35

I disagree with most people on this thread op and think your son should be making more of an effort. But then I come from a close family and it’s the norm. I do however think you should be putting yourself out and going to him sometimes, even if it means leaving out your extended family. So showing him you’re willing to put yourself out too.

Mu adult kids are both about to move out and I’d be gutted if they only ever came home for a special occasion.

flibberdido · 05/04/2025 15:38

Beside the point but crikey your local take away (Indian? Chinese? Fish'n'chips?) is doing very well out of your custom! I wouldn't want to be in the queue behind you though 😁

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 15:47

ParsnipPuree · 05/04/2025 15:35

I disagree with most people on this thread op and think your son should be making more of an effort. But then I come from a close family and it’s the norm. I do however think you should be putting yourself out and going to him sometimes, even if it means leaving out your extended family. So showing him you’re willing to put yourself out too.

Mu adult kids are both about to move out and I’d be gutted if they only ever came home for a special occasion.

But it's not is it?

It sounds like about 25 times a year if not more.

FrozenFeathers · 05/04/2025 15:49

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:21

Oh I don’t dislike his girlfriend at all. She’s a nice girl, just very opinionated I think

The lack of self-awareness from your posts is astounding. Keep this up and your son will not want you in his life at all.

And, yes, it is his life. He is an adult now and is building his own habits and rituals with his girlfriend. Your job is done. Do not try to claim his time. How would you feel if a friend or neighbor of yours did the same to you? It's just as weird. Respect that your son and his girlfriend are adults with every right to decide between themselves how they want to spend their weekends.

If you are putting expectations for visits on them you will see them less and less and who could blame them? You sound very clingy and needy and these are traits that push a lot of people away.

Kindling1970 · 05/04/2025 15:51

LindPat · 05/04/2025 14:50

Yes there is usually something going on for everyone’s birthday and he does come for those but it’s usually a meal out or something like that. His girlfriend only comes to about 1/3 of those. Christmas was him coming down Boxing Day with the girlfriend, so not there for the main Christmas which is fine but they will come this year for it. Mother’s Day was a pop in for a couple hours at lunch time, wasn’t there for the family dinner, so not ideal

Show quote history

This is batshit crazy. He’s already seeing you more than once a month and you aren’t happy and want to see him more!? You are putting your needs above your son’s needs in a way that is really shocking. He sounds like a wonderful, kind man for turning up to those events on a regular basis when let’s face it most young people would rather be around their mates and partners than their family.

Isittimeformynapyet · 05/04/2025 15:52

One of the early PPs had it - it's the expectation.

Err... which pp exactly @Fargo79?

Pretty much every pp has said the same thing!

Hollietree · 05/04/2025 15:56

So he comes home for 15 birthdays per year, plus Xmas, Mother’s Day and Easter, plus you visit him once per month.

Thats 30 times per year that you see him.

And you are moaning that on top of that you aren’t satisfied that he isn’t coming for another 12 Friday night takeaways per year.

Seriously - you see him more than once a fortnight and you are making him feel that isn’t good enough for you. Him seeing you for a few hours on Mother’s Day wasn’t good enough. Him coming on Boxing Day wasn’t good enough. You see the theme……. you are telling him time and again that whatever he does isn’t good enough for you.

When you tell someone over and over again that they aren’t good enough, they eventually throw up their hands and decide to give up completely. Why should I try at all, whatever effort I make isn’t good enough, so I may as well not try at all.

Please really stop and think about what you are doing to your son. You will push him completely away if you aren’t careful.

Kindling1970 · 05/04/2025 15:59

What do you all talk about all the time? Takeaways every week, meet ups for every birthday, meet ups for special occasions. I would be praying for something juicy to happen in the news to have a topic of conversation.

ClarityofVision · 05/04/2025 16:09

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:21

Oh I don’t dislike his girlfriend at all. She’s a nice girl, just very opinionated I think

Oh, I love this!!!!

LSTMS30555 · 05/04/2025 16:12

I think a 50 min drive either way on a Friday evening after being at work all week is expecting to much.

Pherian · 05/04/2025 16:13

LindPat · 04/04/2025 22:19

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

Yes, you’re being unreasonable. Your son is an adult and is building his own life.

Blaming the girlfriend isn’t going to do you any good. Causing issues there is only going to get you alienated from him completely.

Give him space to live his life. Invite them over but don’t put pressure.

Julimia · 05/04/2025 16:15

They should come when they want too come. You are not ill or need anything. Just let go. Things will likely change given time and no pressure.

GingerDoris · 05/04/2025 16:21

He's young, he could be catching up with friends on Friday nights now, especially if they have their own place. If you nag too much, and complain about his girlfriend then you run the risk of pushing him further away.

Bellie710 · 05/04/2025 16:24

God this sounds like my MIL, we used to live quite near them and she expected us to come every Sunday for dinner. We were the first to start going about once every 2/3 weeks as we had so many other things on at the weekend and MIL was furious. After we had kids we went even less as they always had parties or we did at the weekend. All his siblings have now followed suit and only really go round for birthdays now.
We have moved hundreds of miles away and visit about once a year, they never visit us but once is enough!
Don't make a big thing about it and if they turn up they turn up, the expectations my MIL had of her son were ridiculous and now she barely sees him.

Tiredallthetimenow · 05/04/2025 16:25

I feel suffocated just reading this. You definitely need to adjust your thinking.

Mary46 · 05/04/2025 16:28

Hi op my mother tried tying me to every saturday.. then a fight as I felt overwhelmed by it all. Dont do this. It is not easy with families.

TinyFlamingo · 05/04/2025 16:29

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:23

He always said he would come, he likes seeing his nanny and grandads and he’s lucky they’re still here and I do think he should make the most of it. He only changed his opinion slowly over these months. As I say, he did start with coming every week still

i am surprised at the amount people think it’s bad to expect anything off anyone

OP because he's experienced it now and realized how tiring that commute is after work, from that location.
He's telling you that and you don't believe him. GF reinforcing that and you don't believe her.

His intention was to continue the traditiom but the reality vs the idea of it sucks.

If something happens to his GPs he may feel badly but that on him.

Please do stop twisting it to be her fault. And the more you push the more he'll pull away. Try and go with the flow a little. Do 6w bi-monthly dinners and always open.

I myself did every Sunday at my GPs, until Uni filtered off when i moved in with partner but picked up again once I was more settled in the relationship. I'd call him every week and see him every month or every other month.
I barely see my parents though, they are always busy and I'd like my son to have more tradition, they are 20 mins away, but you can't make people do what you want to do.
The more you'll try the more they'll resist.

Mary46 · 05/04/2025 16:31

I dont want my saturdays set in stone. Its my only day for apts dentist etc.

Original poster
LindPat · 05/04/2025 16:35

I get he comes to those events but I just don’t consider them the same thing. Those are meals out or something at a location, they aren’t the family tradition of all getting together on that Friday for the takeaway and I do think that’s what’s important that he makes the effort for that

i do like his girlfriend, I mean that. I just don’t like that I feel she is persuading him with her opinions, that’s all. The way my son will explain things is just not how he thinks/talks and after all, I’ve known him his whole life. The cousins in the family are like siblings, but she hasn’t seen her cousins in over a year? I think she says a lot to him about everything. Sure it’s nice he still comes even when she doesn’t want to but I do think her not coming is her trying to convince him to not go as well. I think she’s clever in the way she has convinced him to change his views and he definitely doesn’t always agree as he says to us “ah (girlfriend) isn’t going to come but I always will don’t worry” type thing. I think it’s a bit rude for her to opt out a lot of the time, she’s quite open in only coming to his immediate family’s birthdays but I think what people will forget is the extended is very close

I realise I do need to back off with my expectations from them both and not necessarily compare it to how I was or what I’d do as they are their own people but I think I do just feel a bit gutted as you kind of hope you raise your children to share similar values to yourself if they’re important to you but I understand that isn’t always the case and will kind of try and leave any expectations from the situation

OP posts:
EnormousGinplease · 05/04/2025 16:38

It's exactly this demanding attitude that saw my husband quite happily move to the other side of the world to escape his mother. Now we're back and she's worse than ever. No one phones her. No one visits her. Whatever we do isn't good enough. Now our adult children can't bear to visit her and she makes my grandchildren cry .. they are very young but pick up her bad energy !!
If you don't stop this at once you're going to end up a lonely old lady. Our adult daughters live nearby and we see each other when we all want to. I will never put expectations or demands on them .. never. I would be over the moon if my son found a woman he loved and was happy.

WavyRavey · 05/04/2025 16:38

Respectfully ma'am, I see why he doesn't bother as much, you lot sound extremely intense.

WhatAPrettyHouse · 05/04/2025 16:39

The trouble is that you are just pushing him further away with all your expectations and disappointment.

My Mum is a bit like you (expected me to stay at her house every school holiday, had to spend Christmas, Easter, birthdays and Mothers Day together, etc) and as a result I took a big step back. It actually ruined our relationship tbh.

RedToothBrush · 05/04/2025 16:40

Tiredallthetimenow · 05/04/2025 16:25

I feel suffocated just reading this. You definitely need to adjust your thinking.

It's completely insane isn't it?!

Watermill · 05/04/2025 16:40

WavyRavey · 05/04/2025 16:38

Respectfully ma'am, I see why he doesn't bother as much, you lot sound extremely intense.

Intense? It sounds like a fucking cult 😂