AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

15 members of my family at a gathering on a Friday night would be something I'd avoid at any cost.
Wrong night of the week after being at work, too far to travel & too many people when all I want is peace and quiet.

I know you must be upset at the many replies you've received on here opposing your view, but this is an open forum & people are entitled to their opinions.
I hope you will take each one as written from the heart and learn that we don't all fit into the same mould including your son.

I am.the biggest family person going but this is totally unreasonable. Any arrangement that is an expectation on a regular basis ia just unreasonable i think. If I was the gf here it would just make me.recoil as it comes across as really controlling. Life is busy and weekends are precious. Young people (and old!) need to have times that just aren't mapped out. My family is extremely close and we actually spend lots of time with each other. I think they key thing is that it has never been forced or an expectation. Things have looked very different over the years, especially when we were younger and had different rhythms to our lives. At different times we haven't always lived near enough to each other to facilitate this kind of arrangement. I would tread very carefully here OP. If you make your son choose you will probably lose. You say the gf is controlling and who knows...maybe she is. However you sounds far.more controlling and claustrophobic. The less you demand, the more you are likely to get. Don't push them away.

Oh dear oh dear. My MIL was like this (and blamed me for it, just like you're blaming your son's girlfriend).
It pushed my DH so far away from her, that he only sees his parents once every few months now, and they only live 5-10 mins away 😂absolutely, completely, HIS choice based on her attitude which was just like yours!

Yes there is usually something going on for everyone’s birthday and he does come for those but it’s usually a meal out or something like that. His girlfriend only comes to about 1/3 of those. Christmas was him coming down Boxing Day with the girlfriend, so not there for the main Christmas which is fine but they will come this year for it. Mother’s Day was a pop in for a couple hours at lunch time, wasn’t there for the family dinner, so not ideal

So he already comes at least 17 times per year, which is well over once per month.

YABVVVVU to expect more.

Oh Jesus you're going to have a very unsatisfactory life if you keep thinking like this. You've seen him in December and again in march but it wasn't what you wanted so 'not ideal'. You really really need to adjust your expectations and stop expecting to be the main priority in his life!

With your update that he’s the first of the cousins to leave home perhaps this explains your reluctance to understand the shifting sands.

In time you will find other cousins forging their own paths that don’t always involve mass Friday night family dinners together. It’s just that your son is the first to move in with a girlfriend and change his priorities and plans.

You need to adjust what you consider to be expectations and just warmly welcome him when he chooses to visit you.

But you’re already tying him into Christmas 🎄 this year ffs. They may have different plans. He still visited on Mother’s Day and you’re not happy with that visit either.

You sound like my mil
Drive us away tbh. Why do people think they can just sit and everyone should run to their tune. Go visit them at times, meet out, be more flexible, organised varied activities. He probably doesn't want to do family takeaway night every night with his parents, he's making his own life sorry to say

It's also blamed on me totally do choice too stop moaning about his chosen partner behind his back

Good grief... so there is the 15 people's birthdays he is expected to go to too?

It sounds absolutely horrendous! Why would he want to go to all his extended family's birthday celebrations? Well done the girlfriend for weaning him off this ridiculous state of affairs!

Boxing Day with the girlfriend, so not there for the main Christmas which is fine but they will come this year for it. Mother’s Day was a pop in for a couple hours at lunch time, wasn’t there for the family dinner, so not ideal
They'll never please you. I understand why he is reducing contact.

It’s very normal for couples to alternate which parents they see on Christmas Day. You can’t be disappointed by this- he came on Boxing Day and he’s coming to you for Christmas next year… do you not realise how normal this is? Would you rather they never went to her parents and came to you for every Christmas?
He also made the effort to do the almost two hour round trip to come and visit you for a couple of hours on Mother’s Day. Honestly what more do you want?!

Presumably this isn't the only time he sees his family members. So it's fine for him to want to do his own thing and not commit to a 'set in stone' family night. Him and his gf may have their own Friday night tradition now.
I don't think placing an expectation on them to attend is a good idea. Best thing to do is let them know that they are very welcome at takeaway night if they decide to come ( but no pressure).

Thanks for replying.
You have a really strong attachment to family dinners that happen in your own home with /everyone/ in attendance. So Boxing Day doesn't count. You having a meal at your son's place doesn't count. Your son dropping in before or after the meal for several hours doesn't count. Everyone having a meal out doesn't count.
Is there some way you could loosten around the idea that it's only when your son comes to these big, 15 guest family dinners happening in your own home that things are "ideal"?
He's coming to see extended family alot. He sees you at least monthly. His girlfriend must be coming to five extended family dinners a year if she's coming to a third of the birthdays. Enjoy seeing your son, spending time with him, watching him enjoy the company of your extended family members. Don't spend the time he is with you all listing off the reasons why it's not ideal.

Your family requirements would drive me mad and like your son's GF, I would just stop attending.

You can't control what he or they do. The more you try and push it, the more they'll stay away. If you keep pushing this and they get married and have children, you're going to negatively influence how much you have contact with your grandchildren.

Just offer the invitations and then leave it up to them.

OP, your family sounds quite full on, and perhaps a bit insular because you all live in the same town. Do you socialise much outside of the family group yourself?

You've said that your ds comes for a lot of birthday celebrations as well as stuff like mother's day, Christmas etc. You've also said that you see him once a month when you visit him. This adds up to a perfectly reasonable amount of contact for a young person who will be busy living their own life and forging their own relationships and interests.

I get that you might be hurt by the fact that he doesn't see his own social life revolving around the extended family group in the way that you clearly do, but you have to respect his choice in this. The more you put pressure on him to do more, the more you will push him away.

I've not read the whole thread.

I get that you feel that committing a few of the approximately 730 hours in a month to share a takeaway with extended family isn't much to ask of your son (in addition to the 10+ birthdays which he's already coming back for).

But your son doesn't have 730 free hours in a month. He's got relatively small amounts of free time on the days when he's working, and more on the days he's not working. He's establishing a home, and life, with his girlfriend. It is entirely reasonable that he and his girlfriend consider how they want to prioritise spend their precious free time. They are entitled to spend it how they choose, regardless of your views on how frequently they should turn up for a takeaway with the extended family.

If I'd have faced the expectation of spending one in every four Friday evenings with my parents and extended family to have a takeaway, when I was young, working full time establishing a career and dating / coupling up, on top of hosting my parents at least once a month (is that during precious weekend time, or do you pop by for an hour or so on a mid-week evening that's convenient to them?), I'd have been setting firm boundaries, and perhaps also taking up a new hobby which just so happened to occupy every Friday evening. I certainly wouldn't have imposed the expectation on my partner to spend 25% of Friday nights eating takeaway with their extended family-in-law.

Do you think your son enjoys coming to eat takeaway with you all? If not, do think it's reasonable to expect him to spend 25% of his Friday nights doing something he doesn't want to, out of a sense of obligation?

It seems to me that you have rather unreasonable expectations of how your son should choose to spend his limited free time.

He actually comes over a lot but you still aren't satisfied. If he comes over for everyone's birthdays, that another 15 visits a year. They saw you for two hours on Mother's Day but because they weren't there for the family dinner, you say that it's 'not ideal'.

You are giving vibes of expecting not only your son but also his girlfriend to pay homage to the sacred matriarch which is how you view yourself.

He doesn’t like the events. He doesn’t want to come. Now he is an adult he can decide not to do things out of duty. The fact he has a girlfriend is irrelevant. She isn’t making him do anything, as you say, he clearly has a relationship where he is able to come without her if she doesn’t want to attend. If he wanted to come, he would. It doesn’t matter that his cousins travel for hours from uni to go (whoever is guilting them to do that is a shit parent) he doesn’t want to attend.

My husband grew up enduring such family events and he hated them. He avoids them now like the plague. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t have family values, he loves his mum, as do I, and we see her often. But she doesn’t expect a scheduled visit, on a certain date.

Your son has his own life now and you need to let him live it.

So why didn’t you have a Mother’s Day lunch FFS instead of expecting them to drive back on a Sunday night with work the next morning? I’m sure you got a card and flowers or something. Why has everyone got to work around you? I get it’s Mother’s Day but your attitude sucks, I don’t have any sympathy in this case.

Are there class issues mixed into this, OP? It sounds like your family all live in the same village and socialise at least once a week together. It’s sounds like a lovely working class family life. Is the girlfriend middle-class and more accustomed moving away from family to further a career?

Your life seems to revolve around extended family events to a degree most people, including your son it seems, would find utterly suffocating... Even the birthdays alone means there’s an event every 3-4 weeks. As your son’s generation have children, the numbers will increase!

Not so sure it sounds “lovely” to most people!

I am surprised people think 15 members of a family is a lot. We all live in the same town. We all enjoy turning up and seeing each other. Of course people do skip it if they’re away or have something else on but most of the time everyone does turn up! It’s like a second home and it’s lovely

15 people every time
plus 15 birthdays
xmas, easter, mothers day with 15 people

Im exhausted just thinking about all that social interaction
then add in work, their friends, plus needing down time

You see him heaps, whats the real issue?

You are giving vibes of expecting not only your son but also his girlfriend to pay homage to the sacred matriarch which is how you view yourself.

Yep, this the vibe im getting and the real issue at play here, My MIL in a nutshell