AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

Don’t you yourself ever fancy doing something different on a Friday Op? Like a gym class or seeing your friends? Dont restrict yourself with routine! @LindPat

Well... we don't do this sort of thing, but we are incredibly close to our children. I doubt a day goes by without speaking or whatsapping each other about some nonsense.
However, they are busy people holding down jobs, paying mortgages, having fun with friends... I want them to want to see me.

I will never ever pressure my adult children to see me. They come here, or I go there, because they want to.

And it makes the time we all spend together so very special. Last time was last Thursday evening for a special meal for a birthday at a restaurant.

OP this is MN the only place in the world we're your supposed to dump your family the second you turn 18. Honestly I wonder how most of these mums will feel when their children grow up and never visit them.

In the real world, visiting your parents once a month is perfectly reasonable but if he doesn't want to unfortunately there's nothing you can do. I do think his GF has something to do with his decision, from the sounds of it she doesnt like you very much which is why she stopped going. But don't go down the blame road as it will only push him away further . Plus he's a grown man who can make his own decisions and he's chosen her.

As the mother of adult children, the above.

A takeaway with 15 family members would be my idea of hell. Perhaps once a year, but we'd do it as a barbecue or buffet.

Thing is, people change. He’s changed and so has his family. Mine used to do big get togethers monthly- it’s not even at Christmas now. Last time was a wedding. And if the Friday takeaway feels like a chore to him now (maybe because of the journey, maybe the social aspect with so many people if he is more introverted than you, maybe his politics has moved away from his relatives’ , who knows) then even once a month will come around far too quickly.

Drop the expectation and drop the attachment to this big weekly family thing. Let him/them visit you for an activity and at a time that suits them. If that ends up being every six months then so be it. When you’re busy time does fly and down time is very precious.

I'm inclined to think that eating a takeaway with 13 other people every Friday or every time they visit is the main off putter.

I don’t think anyone has endorsed breaking away completely from your family, but you have to let your children live their OWN lives, not a continuation of yours.

I left home at 20 and moved to London, lived and worked there for 8 years, moved back to my hometown after a relationship breakdown, met my husband and settled there and it’s where our children grew up. My eldest son went to uni at 18, came home for a couple of months after and then moved to London, he met his wife there 4 years ago and that’s where they live. My DH and youngest son and I moved 18 months ago to the coast as it’s always been a dream of ours, and we’re now 3.5 hours from my hometown and 2.5 from London. Throughout all of that I have kept in touch with those family members that are important to me, but I’ve lived my own life and made my own decisions, and that’s exactly how I brought up my children. You get one life, live it for yourself and not for other people.

We've got Easter Sunday with one son, his wife, granny and three children.

Other son his wife's family.

Third son is a floater he's doing his masters so may not get here depending on workload. That's absolutely fine. Nothing should be written in stone.

He’s an adult, not a child. A 2 hour drive weekly after work when you already visit once a month is a bit much, imo.

One of mine went to Bermuda for six years. Another travelled the world in the oil industry for twelve years. The visits were few and far between. Thank god for Skype.

"Hold them close with open arms" was a quote I hung onto for a long time.

Wow, you've read an awful lot into my post, for some reason. Most of which I didn't say and don't even think. You've put even more words into OP's mouth, again things she hasn't actually said. Maybe read the actual words instead of using them as a prompt for your own narrative?

Curious... OP are you the sort of family that all go on holiday together too?

There have been a couple of threads recently from posters who are over enmeshed with their families. It's like the parents can't accept that they have done a good job at bringing up their children who are now happy to be independent.

I have seen this many times on the WIWIKAU Facebook page and the higher education threads on here where mothers (it is nearly always mothers) simply cannot bear the idea of their DC moving away to university on their first step towards independence.

I agree with a PP's comment about how quite a few mumsnetters want to dump their DC on their 18th birthdays, but you never stop being a parent, no matter how old your DC are.

But as parents we need to accpet that when our DC grow up and leave home you cannot dictate to them how to live their lives.

Being away at university is a kind of halfway house between being dependent and being an independent adult. Many many university students go 'home' regularly during their studies. Then they get full time jobs, relationships, move out of house shares and into homes with partners etc - and they move away from coming 'home' because home becomes where they live, not where their parents live. This is healthy and normal. Your DS has a standing invitation to Friday night dinner or Sunday lunch and he will and can let you know when he can make it. Expecting this to be a regular commitment is just not right.

Respectfully, extracting oneself from a 100-minute round drive every Friday night for dinner with extended family is hardly "breaking completely away". As so many other posters have said, shouldn't we celebrate the fact that our adult DC are moving forward with their lives?

If OP comes back to tell us that her DS and his GF are driving 100 minutes every Friday to spend the evening with GF's family instead, then that's another matter. However, on the face of things, the couple are settling into their own routines and that's great.

I get what you're saying. But for me it's not so much the son not being keen to come to the takeaway night, which I agree could feel tedious and too much like obligation, as his overall apparent unwillingness to visit much at all. Not wanting to see one's parents as much is indeed a natural/important part of growing up and away, but I think when it goes the other way and someone never or hardly ever bothers to see their parents (assuming a generally good relationship on both sides, of course) I actually think that's quite immature because the person hasn't yet reached the stage of understanding the significance of family ties, or the fact that life is short - they're still in the 'newly independent adult' phase.

Disclaimer: these are obviously generalisations based on my own experiences and worldview and I'm not trying to present them as hard fact.

They're all loved up playing house bless them.

I agree! I would've been far more concerned if my adult children kept coming home after they had moved in with their partners. I would think there was something wrong!

Lovely bit of squirrel

And crimble crumble.

Obviously I don’t know your son so I don’t know for sure but I can’t imagine willingly doing this regularly at all. 15 family members is a lot!! A takeaway is supposed to be a relaxing, in front of the tv kind of night not a big social gathering which takes up a lot of energy 🤷‍♀️ He probably wants to go home and relax after work, not use up loads more energy driving and socialising 🤔 I think as long as he is talking to you most days (texts/calls) then you should let it go and let him and his girlfriend join in when they want to. You have said that they are joining you for the big events and you are visiting them monthly so I think you really are getting a normal amount of time with them especially as there are no children involved.

Sorry OP but I think you are being too needy. He's now an adult, living his own life, and you should pat your self as a job well done. Our role as parents is ultimately, to give our children the ability to survive without us. You've clearly done OK! Continue in this vein and you stand to push him further away. Personally I can't stand 'expectations' and they make me want to run a mile. My own DS lives 15 mins away and I sometimes don't see him for over a month. Not an issue.

@LindPat you've said your son comes to visit for "events". If there are 15 tight knit extended family members does this mean 15 birthday celebrations, as well as Christmas (Easter? Mothers' Day?).

I think that you can't expect a couple to give up their Friday nights to drive 50 mins to and from their home for a takeaway. Most couples I know want to either relax on a Friday night or have the option of going out with friends.

I have seen this issue in families. Their is this expectation that of course adult children and in time grandchildren can give up time each week to visit parents.
For years one friend of mine and her siblings would call to her mother on a Sunday afternoon. Now her mother's adult kids are in their 40's and some of grandkids are getting older. Some of the parents are finally able to go away for the odd night or weekend without worrying about childcare and they are doing this.
Another sibling has younger kids. Her daughter calls with the grandkids when she can and her mother has to get a nasty comment in somewhere. Her kids are involved in sports and the weekends are busy with this.
My friend is aware that her sister has had enough of the nasty comments and the expectation that she is available every Sunday afternoon to call. The reality is that she is at the busy stage with her kids but is still finding the time to call.

I think that once kids leave home you can't be laying down the law that they can call over every Friday night or every Sunday. The reality is that people are busy and are entitled to have some time as a couple.
Then when people have kids weekends are busy with sports, activities ect. I see grandparents who make the effort to call to their son's or daughters homes, do the odd bit of babysitting or drive the grandkids places end up later on with a better relationship with their adult kids and grandkids.
Then when they are older and need more help there adult kids are more likely to help them.

I think you are being unreasonable. He’s a grown man and should be allowed to make decisions about how he spends Friday nights. At that age Friday night was very busy for me, either going out or recovering from a week of work. Your son has been in the house for 10mnths now and he obviously now feels it’s his home. It’s totally reasonable he wants to go home after work on a Friday night.

I see my parents often but we go through phases where they think everything revolves around there house even when it’s not convenient for the rest of us.