Page 15 | AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

LindPat · 2025-04-04T21:19:30+00:00

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

slowthisbirddown · 05/04/2025 12:31

JockTamsonsBairns · 05/04/2025 09:12

This is the sort of thing my toxic mother came out with when I wasn't visiting enough for her liking.

"I'll be dead one day, then you'll be sorry".

Been NC for 3 years now.

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Sorry to hear that. I definitely agree it's very different if there's toxicity in the mix.

slowthisbirddown · 05/04/2025 12:37

AthWat · 05/04/2025 07:21

Or, you know. You won't. You might be glad you spent time with the people unrelated to you you did spend time with, and not care the slightest bit that you didn't spend more time with your mother's sister that you never really liked.

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Well, obviously OP's DS might not want to do the takeaway night if he's not as fussed about seeing everyone there. But I still think he should make the effort to visit his actual mother more regularly at least, at other times instead of the takeaway night if he's really not keen on that. And he shouldn't be letting his girlfriend call the shots every time if that's what's happening, there should be give and take.

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 12:42

How do you know the girlfriend is calling the shots? You don't!

I can't think of anything worse at that age than working a full day then driving 50 minutes to have a takeaway with more than a dozen relatives every Friday. It's like groundhog christmas day.

slowthisbirddown · 05/04/2025 12:46

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 12:42

How do you know the girlfriend is calling the shots? You don't!

I can't think of anything worse at that age than working a full day then driving 50 minutes to have a takeaway with more than a dozen relatives every Friday. It's like groundhog christmas day.

That's why I said if that's what's happening... 🤷‍♀️

I also acknowledged he might prefer to visit some other time instead of the takeaway night?

Original poster

LindPat · 05/04/2025 13:00

I am surprised people think 15 members of a family is a lot. We all live in the same town. We all enjoy turning up and seeing each other. Of course people do skip it if they’re away or have something else on but most of the time everyone does turn up! It’s like a second home and it’s lovely. He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us. 2 are at uni though and just like when my son was, at least once a month they do come to the Friday dinner! Even at uni so I don’t think oh he’s young and wants to do X Y Z is relevant. At uni he still loved coming back for it at least once a month (just like the other 2 at uni) and they have been some hours/a longish train ride away!

OP posts:

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 05/04/2025 13:03

LindPat · 05/04/2025 13:00

I am surprised people think 15 members of a family is a lot. We all live in the same town. We all enjoy turning up and seeing each other. Of course people do skip it if they’re away or have something else on but most of the time everyone does turn up! It’s like a second home and it’s lovely. He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us. 2 are at uni though and just like when my son was, at least once a month they do come to the Friday dinner! Even at uni so I don’t think oh he’s young and wants to do X Y Z is relevant. At uni he still loved coming back for it at least once a month (just like the other 2 at uni) and they have been some hours/a longish train ride away!

At Uni they will do almost anything for free food. Once they are working and their time is more locked down and they have their own money then they form their own lives.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 05/04/2025 13:04

Just let him spread his wings and settle into his life with his girlfriend. If you try to hold him too close it will backfire.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 05/04/2025 13:07

He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us.

I was the first cousin to leave home and go away to uni. People really didn’t get it. They would say: “when are you coming home?” And I would be like: “never? I’m 25! I’ve moved away!”

If you come from a culture where everyone stays local there is a strong pull that you have to fight against because it’s always drawing you back in. It will seem normal to you and your family but to the girlfriend it probably seems very odd.

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 13:10

It’s very odd. 15 of you, every week. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Notonthestairs · 05/04/2025 13:10

I understand why you are disappointed. It must feel like a big change.
But the less pressure you apply the more likely it is that he’ll choose to visit.
Insisting or prescribing rules means the visit becomes an obligation rather than a fun option.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 05/04/2025 13:11

LindPat · 05/04/2025 13:00

I am surprised people think 15 members of a family is a lot. We all live in the same town. We all enjoy turning up and seeing each other. Of course people do skip it if they’re away or have something else on but most of the time everyone does turn up! It’s like a second home and it’s lovely. He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us. 2 are at uni though and just like when my son was, at least once a month they do come to the Friday dinner! Even at uni so I don’t think oh he’s young and wants to do X Y Z is relevant. At uni he still loved coming back for it at least once a month (just like the other 2 at uni) and they have been some hours/a longish train ride away!

He has a GF now, whom he loves and lives with, have you forgotten what that’s like, to be young and in love and living your own life? He wants to be with her, that’s his choice and it’s a natural progression but clearly you don’t accept that.

You asked a question OP, and people have answered in good faith in the hope that you will not make the mistake of forcing this issue and alienating your son and any potential GC, but I can see now that you only wanted us to tell you what you wanted to hear and to reinforce your point. You need more in your own life and then hopefully you’ll stop expecting so much from your son.

SockFluffInTheBath · 05/04/2025 13:11

LindPat · 04/04/2025 23:21

Oh I don’t dislike his girlfriend at all. She’s a nice girl, just very opinionated I think

The irony! 😅

He has new things going on OP, he’s making his own ‘traditions’. You need to let go- if you love someone set them free. He will come back if he wants to. Yes, some families live in each others’ pockets, but that’s not right for everyone. If you pet your lip at him you will just drive him away.

OneMintWasp · 05/04/2025 13:12

LindPat · 05/04/2025 13:00

I am surprised people think 15 members of a family is a lot. We all live in the same town. We all enjoy turning up and seeing each other. Of course people do skip it if they’re away or have something else on but most of the time everyone does turn up! It’s like a second home and it’s lovely. He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us. 2 are at uni though and just like when my son was, at least once a month they do come to the Friday dinner! Even at uni so I don’t think oh he’s young and wants to do X Y Z is relevant. At uni he still loved coming back for it at least once a month (just like the other 2 at uni) and they have been some hours/a longish train ride away!

Yeah you're just going to crack on with doing 'you' ....good luck with that!! It's irrelevant what his cousins do, he is not them. You'll drive him further and further away. If you leave him be he might pop back two Fridays in a row because he is free and then not again for a few weeks because he isn't. If you impose schedules on him and get offended when he doesn't do it your way (or blame his girlfriend) you will see less and less of him. Its hard to see your children spread their wings and move on but how you deal with it right now is pivotal to how your adult relationship with him is going to be. It's on you really.

ConnieSlow · 05/04/2025 13:12

At 43 this sounds like my idea of hell, and thinking back to my 20s this again sounds like the last thing I want to do. They are young, make plans on the go and most likely want to hang out with other couples. The last thing is fixed plans with a mass group for no specific reason.

I think just let them be, offer the invite here and there and just accept that they are at a different phase in their lives. It will come. Together again but they need some space.

slowthisbirddown · 05/04/2025 13:13

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 05/04/2025 13:07

He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us.

I was the first cousin to leave home and go away to uni. People really didn’t get it. They would say: “when are you coming home?” And I would be like: “never? I’m 25! I’ve moved away!”

If you come from a culture where everyone stays local there is a strong pull that you have to fight against because it’s always drawing you back in. It will seem normal to you and your family but to the girlfriend it probably seems very odd.

There are many, many parts of the country where the general trend is to stay living where one grew up, though. Not everyone follows the 'move away straight after uni' trope, for example, simply because not everyone wants to. It's not as unusual to stay local as some on here seem to think.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 05/04/2025 13:13

Swiftie1878 · 05/04/2025 13:10

It’s very odd. 15 of you, every week. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s got definite mafia ‘we’re having a Friday night takeaway and you can’t refuse’ vibes to it 😂

Gardenhaurs · 05/04/2025 13:15

LindPat · 05/04/2025 13:00

I am surprised people think 15 members of a family is a lot. We all live in the same town. We all enjoy turning up and seeing each other. Of course people do skip it if they’re away or have something else on but most of the time everyone does turn up! It’s like a second home and it’s lovely. He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us. 2 are at uni though and just like when my son was, at least once a month they do come to the Friday dinner! Even at uni so I don’t think oh he’s young and wants to do X Y Z is relevant. At uni he still loved coming back for it at least once a month (just like the other 2 at uni) and they have been some hours/a longish train ride away!

It's utterly alien to me and I suspect a lot of people to have 15 members of extended family all living in the same town and piling into your house every Friday. Sounds completely suffocating tbh.

pikkumyy77 · 05/04/2025 13:15

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 05/04/2025 13:07

He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us.

I was the first cousin to leave home and go away to uni. People really didn’t get it. They would say: “when are you coming home?” And I would be like: “never? I’m 25! I’ve moved away!”

If you come from a culture where everyone stays local there is a strong pull that you have to fight against because it’s always drawing you back in. It will seem normal to you and your family but to the girlfriend it probably seems very odd.

This is so true! Its not his home anymore. He is building a life elsewhere and that is quite normal.

CandyCane457 · 05/04/2025 13:15

LindPat · 05/04/2025 13:00

I am surprised people think 15 members of a family is a lot. We all live in the same town. We all enjoy turning up and seeing each other. Of course people do skip it if they’re away or have something else on but most of the time everyone does turn up! It’s like a second home and it’s lovely. He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us. 2 are at uni though and just like when my son was, at least once a month they do come to the Friday dinner! Even at uni so I don’t think oh he’s young and wants to do X Y Z is relevant. At uni he still loved coming back for it at least once a month (just like the other 2 at uni) and they have been some hours/a longish train ride away!

Uni is so different though. I went to uni a 45min drive from my hometown. And I used to go home very weekend as I had a Saturday job there. At uni, going out on weeknights was cheaper and all fun happened in the week, for me and my friends, the weekends were very chilled, most of us had weekend jobs and not much happened. We were usually exhausted from a week of studying and partying! I adored going home every weekend to see my family, have my mum cook for me etc, and I liked my Saturday job.

Whereas now, as a 35 year old woman living an hour away from home, it would just not be feasible to go back home every weekend, or every couple of weeks. My life is here now. My mum likes to come and stay with me every now and then, and once every six weeks or so I go home, slightly more if there are birthdays or occasions.

He is growing up. It’s tough but accept it.

justasking111 · 05/04/2025 13:18

There's 14 of us we try to get together for birthdays, which is lovely but every week would be tedious.

All but two of us are local. The youngest and his partner come to stay but we hardly see them because they catch up with friends going out or camping.

They were here for ten hours, Thursday night, eight of them asleep. Then went camping with friends. We'll see them for a couple of hours on Monday before they head off.

I understand the son being tired

OneMintWasp · 05/04/2025 13:18

slowthisbirddown · 05/04/2025 13:13

There are many, many parts of the country where the general trend is to stay living where one grew up, though. Not everyone follows the 'move away straight after uni' trope, for example, simply because not everyone wants to. It's not as unusual to stay local as some on here seem to think.

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Don't get me wrong. I think its a lovely arrangement to have an open house each Friday for anyone who wants to come along. It's the expectation that people WILL be there on a regular basis that's not so lovely.

slowthisbirddown · 05/04/2025 13:18

Some of these posts really say something about how society has become. This whole ideology that the thing for young people to do is to break completely away from their family and are supposed to feel they owe them nothing... if the next generation are being encouraged to think this way, all I can say is there are going to be an awful lot of lonely elderly people in the next decade or two.

IGetWeak · 05/04/2025 13:21

LindPat · 05/04/2025 13:00

I am surprised people think 15 members of a family is a lot. We all live in the same town. We all enjoy turning up and seeing each other. Of course people do skip it if they’re away or have something else on but most of the time everyone does turn up! It’s like a second home and it’s lovely. He’s the first out of the cousins to leave home so this is new for us. 2 are at uni though and just like when my son was, at least once a month they do come to the Friday dinner! Even at uni so I don’t think oh he’s young and wants to do X Y Z is relevant. At uni he still loved coming back for it at least once a month (just like the other 2 at uni) and they have been some hours/a longish train ride away!

Do you mind me asking - are you from a non-English background originally? And perhaps the girlfriend isn’t?

BustingBaoBun · 05/04/2025 13:23

At 43 this sounds like my idea of hell, and thinking back to my 20s this again sounds like the last thing I want to do. They are young, make plans on the go and most likely want to hang out with other couples. The last thing is fixed plans with a mass group for no specific reason.

This. ^
It's completely alien to me. My DD, at one point, was going out with a guy like this just before she went to Uni. His family had rarely travelled further than a 5 mile radius. He was bright enough to go to Uni and was desperate to do so but his Mother thought Uni was a load of rubbish. He tried to get me to help with his Uni application but I had to say no, he had to tackle his parents, I couldn't and wouldn't help as it wasn't my place to.
They would have these big family gatherings all the time, my DD dreaded them. Luckily the relationship finished!

OP, I imagine your son is finding his feet and building a life with his girlfriend. It's all about letting go. As he used to come to your Friday night takeaway thing, if you just let go, I am sure he will visit, just not set in stone every Friday.

Whatsitreallylike · 05/04/2025 13:25

It is too much to expect of someone if they don’t want to do it. If he doesn’t want to do it then ask yourself why? Why do you think the girlfriend came and then stopped cold? Why do you think they’re trying to put up boundaries? Why do you think the girlfriend steps in and talks for him when you’re pushy?

YOU’RE PISSING THEM OFF

Stop pushing, stop nagging, stop expecting! Hopefully the damage will undo itself over time, just give them space and make your interactions / conversations positive. Don’t guilt trip !!!! “You’re lucky to still have grandparents” Uuugh!!! It doesn’t matter if you think your reasonable because they dont… and they’re the ones who get to choose whether to visit or not.

Oh… and make more effort to visit them. Doesn’t matter if you view your house and a second home, they don’t!