AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

It really doesnt matter whether you think Friday night once a month is reasonable or not.

They don't want to come.

Handle this right - let them make their own choices, welcome them when they do visit, no guilt trips or flying monkeys - and I suspect they may well want to visit more often.

Insisting that they must visit will go very badly in the long run.

One of the issues with modern day lives is there is no unity - amongst friends or family. Why there is so much depression, loneliness etc and no village.
Sadly most people seem to be OK with this

EXACTLY this. 👆

Hmmm. Some links there I think????

My son lives in a city an hour and a quarters drive away. When he comes to visit me it's either after work on a Friday and he stays over until earllyish Sunday morning. Or he comes on a Saturday morning and leaves early earlyish Sunday morning.

I generally see him every 2nd or third weekend depending on what he is doing in his own life or if we have plans to do something, like go to a football match together, or I need some specific help from him. Sometimes the gaps are longer.

I'm a widow and in my early seventies and I don't have any other family support, or friends in my area.
But. I chose to live where I live. And I am just so pleased that he comes to see me because he WANTS to, not from duty. And when I really needed support such as after my hip operation, some years ago, and when I broke my leg last year, he was here like a shot without me asking. And stayed with me until I could cope by myself.

I want him to enjoy his life while he is young enough and able to do so. I want him to be independent.And I would hate to be a millstone round his neck.

So OP I think you are playing a dangerous game expecting your son to keep up family traditions if he no longer wants to.He is building his own life. You risk damaging your whole relationship with him by having expectations on him to continue family traditions he no longer wants to.

Your son is building his new adult life. He is likely to be busy with work, home, his girlfriend, new place, building friendships, literally finding his feet.
Even if he genuily wanted to spend the time with you, I can see its not easy especially if he is an hour away.
If your relationship is generally good, he will come back later more, once he´s built his adult identity and come back as an adult. Also once grandchildren appear he will be more likely to turn back to family life. Thats how it works in life.
Also, the more you push, the more is is likely to resist and pull away.

‘I don’t dislike her at all’ talk about damning with faint praise! It’s not exactly a ringing endorsement is it?!

Wanting to see him and expecting/demanding to see him are two different things. Do your parents mandate the date and time of your brother’s visit, or does he get to decide for himself?

You sound pretty opinionated yourself.

Sitting wiht someone's family for the whole night every week instead of doing things I actually want to do sounds like my idea of hell. Your son is cutting his umbilical cord and you have to move on.

Yes, because people can’t be lonely around other people or find their own families a bit much so want to actually choose how much time they spend vs feeling obligated or possibly guilted.

Her son may see their family dynamic differently, yet I rarely see parents actually ask them or listen to them on threads like these because they tend to assume they know and that their adult children are aligned with them.

Love how you’re subtly blaming the GF. He’s a grown Man living his life, I wouldn’t have wanted to have a takeaway with my Family EVERY Friday night at his age. Lower your expectations OP.

@LindPat I think you should be grateful for the time he is willing to spend with you and stop being demanding.

We live abroad from our 2 adult sons so try to see them both once a year plus the occasional FaceTime. Once they’re adults, they make their own family rituals that may or may not involve their parents.

Our 2nd DIL sees both her mum and dad very regularly as they split when she was young so she’s been trying to please them both, well into adulthood. This means we have NEVER in over 15yrs, had our son (and DGC) visit at Christmas because DIL is too afraid to say no to either of her parents as they’re still playing silly games over who hosts Christmas and Boxing Day and the days around that.

I love my DIL so I’m going to be the bigger person and not going to put any pressure on her to visit us and I sadly accept that we’ll never see DGC over the Christmas period. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Please don’t be the pushy MIL from hell. Let them be.

I agree with all of this, you sound like a great mum and grandmother!

OP, as pps have said, perhaps the big family gathering is putting your DS and his DP off. A lot of people wouldn't want to top off a busy week at work with a two hour round trip to eat a takeaway alongside more than a dozen family members. They would struggle to recharge in a setting like that, regardless of how close they were to the individuals in question. My family of origin is large and ours was rarely the quietest house in the neighbourhood (at least during daylight hours) but we'd have a houseful like the one you describe at Christmas and birthdays, not on a regular basis. Much bigger gatherings were for weddings etc. Even those used to having a lot of people around them can only stand so much.

Perhaps your DS and his DP would be more amenable to meeting more frequently if you didn't claim Fridays as sacrosanct. Many Mon - Fri workers love Friday for the demob feeling they have, knowing they've got two days off. Others have busy weekends and need to get to bed at a reasonable hour. Most of the time, they will want to prioritise their weekend over the "strong family values" of someone who seems to have little idea of what their lives are really like and it's their right to do so. Passive aggression sniping and blaming your DS's DP will get you nowhere..

Just to add... We visit in laws twice a mont, similar drive. Sometimes less.
But we do it because we want to, not because they expect us to. There is no routine and 'this is how ir is because things have always used to be like this end of'- I find the idea extremely offputting to have to fit into a family who thinks like this. I think the way to fix it would be just let things go- or even have your son visit the other relatives sometimes but not you. Just leave it. Im pretty susre she can sense you dont like her (because it's clear from your comments in between the lines) and you think she is to blame your son is now a grown man.

Thank you!
I see you and I are on the same wavelength and our ‘strategy’ clearly works. Good for us, I say, and I hope others who are not so blessed have a look at their expectations. Maybe stepping back might result in more visits. Never complaining if you don’t see them for a while works too.
Have a good weekend 🌸

The vast majority of posters appear to value their families though. The difference is that they understand the natural ebb and flow of lifelong relationships and DON'T put expectations and demands on each other.

I don't know why you've overlooked this key distinction and concluded that there's only a handful of people left like you, OP and maybe 3 or 4 others to whom "family" means anything at all! It's just not true!

And if your son's girlfriend was to post here: "My overbearing Mil is guilt tripping my bf into visiting her. He really doesn't want to make the 50 minute drive there and then back often so I tried to tell her that it was tiresome. She has got this whole "we have strong family values" narrative going but she just doesn't realise she's driving him away. I don't dislike her she's just very opinionated and I don't like the way she's expecting my bf to see all family on certain days when he wants to be free and live his life and not have expectations. I dread what's in store for us when we have children and my Mil will try to impose her "family values" on our family. We might just have to go nc with her if it gets too much."

Yes that's true. My parents certainly don't demand he visits, he decides.

One of the issues with modern day lives is there is no unity - amongst friends or family. Why there is so much depression, loneliness etc and no village.
Sadly most people seem to be OK with this

Ive found more 'family' in friends both online and off

The whole extended family gets together for a Friday night dinner?

Fox and crimble crumble?

Exactly. I am currently caring for my elderly dad, and I see him every single day. My young adult dd is amazingly family oriented and does a huge amount.

That isn't the point. We all do it because we want to. Nobody has a sense of entitlement to each other's time. Nobody feels under pressure. Nobody has rigid expectations.

Why can't some people see the difference?

I hadn’t thought of that. Perhaps they have such shallow lives that their only way of enjoying life is to be with family. My mother insisted on me visiting weekly, even though I was working full time, but never seemed that excited to see me and usually criticised me when I was there. So, as you say, what was gained by forcing us to visit?

He's living his own life now, and you should respect that. Would you really want him to visit when he clearly doesn't want to? I have five adult sons and never put pressure on them to visit (although one still lives with me). I only want them to visit if they actually want to see me. I know some people see their parents a lot but every family is different. Spare time is precious and your son wants to spend his with his girlfriend. Leave them to it for heavens sake.

If it were me, it would be the huge group gettogethers I wouldn't like. 15 of my relatives - no thanks! Grandparents sure but I find my aunts/uncles/cousins quite stressful in a big group.