AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

The thing is, when they visit, I know it’s because they WANT to, not because they are expected to. Give them a long lead, and they’ll always come back.

I love your post @Ilikeadrink14

So agree with what you have said. I never ever expect my adult DCs to visit, but often they say... oh, we're driving your way, we'll pop in. Or, Mum are you coming into town, do you fancy a coffee somewhere. Or, Mum, is there any chance you could look at something with me.

No pressure, sometimes it happens regularly, sometimes there's a gap depending on how busy they are. I never ever wanted to be a needy Mum!

OP, is your son happy and content with his life?

That’s the question to ask yourself.

If he is, you have done a good job and now need to give him a bit of space to get into his own rhythm of life with his partner. He doesn’t want to be tied down to your routine because he is building his own. That’s the way it should be.
Be pleased for him that he’s making his own way in life.

The less you pester him, the more he will be likely to come back when he wants to. At least you will know that when he comes to see you, it’s because he really wants to, rather than out of a dreaded duty. You wouldn’t want that !

Continue with your own suggestions for you to go to them sometimes or meet half way for a nice meal and catch up, but always read the room and don’t take their availability for granted.
Invite him for very special occasions yes, (not the Friday night takeaway) but never assume that they can make it.

Whenever you do see you him, let him know how delighted you are to see him but never burden him with guilt that you miss him.
He has his own life to lead.
Hopefully, he will come to share some of your own strong family values when he has his own family.

As for his partner, concentrate on the positives and be happy he has a solid relationship. It’s a shock for you now he has got his own Friday night routine with her, but do everything to genuinely love her and nothing to alienate her. They are a couple now. It can be hard to accept and adjust down your expectations, but you must.

The internet is fantastic for making me feel connected with our two sons and their partners overseas. I send the odd funny/lovely/interesting photo or newsy message about own lives to help them feel connected, always keeping it light and easy. eg. ‘Have a great weekend! we plan to work in the garden then go to the pub for an early dinner.’ They always respond positively even if only with an emoji. And of course there are plenty of face times when they have time.

Funny how opinionated is often used about women and usually as a way of telling them to keep their opinions to themselves.

OP, they're young and living together. I expect they're enjoying each other's company on a Friday night , they are obviously enjoying doing couply things, like making their own roast dinners, Saturday DIY, etc. It's the fun of moving in together.

Don't start blaming the girlfriend, however opinionated you think she is. Your son is 100% able to come to your family takeaway nights if he wanted to, there's nothing stopping him other than his own adult choices.

It would be lovely to see your son regularly, of course, and some families do have this and it works well, but it obviously isn't working for your son. Regardless of how much you think it's the perfect arrangement, it clearly isn't for him. Maybe try ringing him to catch up, or message him. Keep communication open but don't force the visits, connect in a different way for now.

Edited for typos

And... my DH has drifted from his mum in particular because she always forces the whole family on us when we visit. We have limited time connecting with them when we see them because everyone is always there, all the time. I don't see my mum as much but she messages me photos, random things she's doing, most days. When we see her it's mostly just us so we chat, go out together etc.

You are being VERY VERY unreasonable. He’s a grown man, not a child and he has his own life. “Family takeaway night” like is eleven years old? And expecting him to do a 2hour round trip after work on a Friday is ridiculous. Get a grip. And stop guilt-tripping and putting pressure on him because you will only push him away more.

Change the day. It’s Friday night they might want to just relax or go out with friends.
Meet half way for a mid week dinner? Invite them for Sunday lunch, meet for coffee.

What happens when you visit them ?

Are you possibly posting on the wrong thread? No one has classed her son as a "mummy's boy" and there is no indication that her son is being prevented from visiting (other than the OP deciding that it must be because of the evil girlfriend). The issue is the OP wanting to pressure her son to visit more often than he wants to.

This is mad. Thinking back to my 20s (am 50s now), I can’t imagine getting to the end of the week and going home to have a takeaway, let alone drive 50 minutes for it. I was out with friends having a blast, or once I moved in with my boyfriend, we’d have a boozy dinner with friends or have an occasional quiet night in. It was the best night of the week. Way too much wine drunk and Saturday hangover. I was close to my parents but saw them much much less in those days - a weekend every few months maybe.

You can’t hold onto your children like that.

You are spot on. My PIL are the summoning type "you will spend time with family because we tell you to" and throw tantrums if the answer is sorry we already have plans. It's one of the reasons I'm NC with then and the DH LC - they have literally driven him away with their behaviour.

What baffles me is what they gain from spending time with people who don't want to be there.

Sounds grim, Friday night takeaway every week with 15 other people, being expected to drive a 2 hour round trip for it? Absolutely no way sorry.

I hate that term 'strong family values' it has so many undertones of control

🐿

Twenty years later, how many lads are still with random women they lived with for a year or so vs their mum's?

My husband - got together when i was 18/19 - now 37

Guess who just drove away her son? thats right MIL for many reasons, some of which boil down to MIL expectations of 'family values' and how she speaks of us, what she expects she allowed to demand about
We are now NC as she would rather block us for standing up for ourselves and carving our own way v admitting she was wrong and apologizing

i only blame her as she is very quick to jump in to defend it when the topic comes up and proclaims how it’s “too much driving after work” or “too much to always use a weekend day” before he seems to even manage to explain it properly himself. She also doesn’t see her family much so I think she has convinced him it’s not necessary

Sounds like he has told her this and told her you won't listen, will throw the family line at him, use guilt
Now he has backup, he knows to save face you wont argue with her in public, only b!tch about her behind closed doors, he likely has zero issue with her stepping in
She has given him the confidence to set boundaries but he still learning how to enforce them.
She hasnt convinced him of anything - this is him growing up and knowing he allowed to set boundaries, builld his own life
I would bet she says go as often as you want but if you want use me as a reason to not go cos she knows you dont like her

From your posts i see a similar dynamic between my MIL, DH and me
At no point have i told him he has to cut her off. Ive told him i will support his choice - whatever that is

We NC now - her doing as we didnt 'follow the expectations' and in another state

And really, they cant plan a weekend away as a young couple with this expectation you set
They cant start a weekend hobby together
They cant even just have a full blown true lazy day
Cos mummy has to get her time........ like really??

Once a month seems reasonable.

I expect you'll find he'll come back to you when he has children of his own. This seems pretty normal in my friendship circle (for those of us lucky to have nice parents like you).

I guess 20s are for independence, focusing on career, having fun etc and require a bit of space.

You can remain close by staying in touch by phone and taking an active interest in his life without being overbearing.

I would never agree to do nearly 2hrs driving on a Friday night for anyone, unless it was an emergency.

Yabu.

Don't say a word to him, just let him know he is always welcome, even completely last minute.

Don't make it a thing or awkward.
You WILL lose.

He is making his way.
Once he is happy, be happy for him.
If you don't make it awkward, he will feel comfortable turning up randomly.

My son is the same since he moved out.
He knows he is welcome anytime, no pressure.

OP, while your son is young, footloose and fancy-free, don’t expect to see too much of him - he and his girlfriend are far too busy being young and having a good time. Once he settles down and has a family, I’m sure you’ll see more of them.

Gosh, I’d love to have someone regularly prepare a meal that I just have to turn up for. I’d travel 50mins for it, too.

However, I’m not a young thing just making my way in adult life. I understand that you would like to see him, op. However, best to not push it on him, or twist the emotions. Make sure to keep the channels open, and be pleased when he does turn up. And, enjoy your evening with your other family all the while.

You mean her opinion isn't in step with yours. If she was expressing opinions you approve of, I'm sure you wouldn't find her "opinionated" at all.

Surely you can still see him once a month though just not at Friday night takeaway? It is an awful big driving after a week at work and I'm sure they'd rather do couple things or things with friends that sit with extended family talking about crap- sorry but I can think of nothing worse every week and i get on so well with my and my husbands family.

I dont see the harm in once a month though and can see why you are a bit hurt but also it's a lot of driving and I'm assuming quite a late night so maybe they just cba. On a fri night I love to sit quietly with a glass of wine and watch a movie. Travelling for ages to sit in someone elses house and talk to a bunch of relatives after you've been stuck in work all week being forced to make conversation with people is very tedious. By fri most people are done and just wsnt to relax in preparation for a busy weekend.

Maybe when he was single it was fine and something to do rather than sit alone at home but now they're coupled up it's not. People with 'strong family values' are often a bit too enmeshed and entitled. Family can become an obligation when they dont allow you to grow and be your own adult. I say this as a boy mum as well but often they do go along with their partners and detach a bit from family.

A quick genuine question - what do the "strong family values" mean in your case? I haven't seen it anywhere, but maybe I've missed it. It would be helpful to know exactly what they are to help put this into context.

I couldn’t think of anything worse than my parents expecting me to come round every X day for a meal. It is such a tie.

Why can't you believe it? It's all written down for you, with full and frank explanations.

So many posters have singled out the word "expect" as a particular cause for concern. Why don't you understand? It's really very simple.

OP, when I first met XH, he spent every Sunday with his family in a little routine, lunch out then one house, then the other then the other. This was every single week, out from say 11am to 8pm. At that point he was working every Saturday, so we had no time together to do anything else.

When he moved in a few months later, I asked him if he would mind not doing it every week, so that we could see my parents, grandparents, have days out, or just chill at home. He agreed and it cut down to once a month.

I wasn't stopping him seeing his family, but I was freeing up time and money for ourselves and our life together.

When a couple get together things do have to change. you can continue your family takeaway night but he won't be attending. That is his choice and his right. The more you come across demanding, the more they will pull away from you.

I would leave it a few months, then ask them for Sunday roast

I agree, ‘strong family values’ usually means you are expected to comply, like it or not!