AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

15 people at the in laws every Friday, including a disapproving MIL?

No thanks.

This is the sort of thing my toxic mother came out with when I wasn't visiting enough for her liking.

"I'll be dead one day, then you'll be sorry".

Been NC for 3 years now.

I'm the mum of young adults. DH and I make every effort to get on with our own lives these days and l want them to do the same.

Somehow we do all "get together" every 4 to 6 weeks but to be honest the kids tend to plan these meet ups and I expect that they want to see their siblings as much as they want to see us. We chat/send photos daily on What's app but I make sure that I'm not placing any demands on them. I want them to focus on building a life with their partner.

If you have no friends or hobbies then now is the time to join new clubs and make some.

It's not once a month though, is it. You also visit at least once a month. So its actually twice if not 3 times a month. Which is lovely but definitely a lot once you factor in full time work, household chores, hobbies, spending time with partner and socialising with friends as well. Make it an open invitation, not a summons, and you'll have a lot more success.

The criticisms begin instantly after you say “I don’t dislike her at all.”

Is opinionated a bad thing? Should she not have strong opinions as a girl..?

Imagine your son moved much further away for uni or work - you very likely wouldn’t see him every month. He just wants space to become his own man.

You don’t own his free time. My in laws try to force things like this and it’s suffocating.

YABVU

From your posts, you are coming across as very opinionated.

YABVU, leave your DS to live his own life as he chooses.

I don't think YABU to want to see him once a month. My brother visits my parents once a month and the journey is an hour and a half drive.

She isn't unreasonable to want to see him, but she is unreasonable to expect to see him.

You are definitely coming across as a dominant matriarch type.

I can see why your son would resist the regular orders to attend.

Chill out!!

I agree with the OP but on Mumsnet, men are classed as mummy’s boys if they dare to want to see their mum more than once a year

A catch up once a month is reasonable but it doesn’t have to be the takeaway night and it doesn’t have to be a fixed thing. Try suggesting different things, meal out, you visiting them, Sunday lunch, trip to a museum, etc. if he declines everything guess it’s time to back off for a bit.

My mil used to summon us,we were "expected" to attend
.I used to visit her every month, take her shopping,do her garden,DH did her DIY. The meals arranged were always difficult , the way she organised,we had a diabetic,DH and I have gut issues, can't eat late. She got cross when it didn't go her way! We finally went NC almost 17 years ago. My DKs, 4 of them, live roughly a 90 minute drive,each way, we're close,help each other out, but have actual lives. Oldest DD runs a restaurant,so works weekends, came up yesterday and took me out for a mothers day cream tea,in a lovely rural spot. I saw my oldest DS last July. He's got a girlfriend and a busy life,so have I, but in a family crisis, we're all here.

15 of you get together for a takeaway every Friday? That sounds suffocating, each to their own but you can’t expect everyone to want to do this. Your expectations are too high. They’re young and building a life 50 minutes away where they probably want to explore on a Friday night, or just relax!!

How very dare someone use their life and become independent and experience life with many many people that you love and care about rather than doing the same thing with the same people over and over again. Including ones who are demanding and controlling and expect you to be there all the time and get shirty if you don't and have a chip on their shoulder about your gf for questioning this needs to reel you in and confine your life to 'well that's what we've always done'.

As for the whole 'people you wish you'd spent more time with and you'll miss them when they are gone' emotional black bunnymail. Well there's some people who have family could really make the effort and actually do a better job of pretending they the company of their family members rather than spending the entire time being toxic or overbearing or overcritical. This idea that everyone has a happy family and that they will miss them when they are gone, really is a myth.

The poor bloke in this situation isn't allowed to go and forge a life for himself. He has to be tied to his mother forever. In reality there is a period of going and being young and then a later period when someone settles and is more likely to come home regularly. And this is normal and healthy.

What's unhealthy is expecting a man in his twenties to come every Friday night or every Sunday night or even once a month because he should be busy and should be making the most of his youth.

There's time for the settled life when he's older!

A girlfriend of a boyfriend with something very similar here..

I’ve been blamed by his family that I’m in the reason he rarely visits. I can assure you I have nothing to do with it and it’s just a thing that fades.

don’t always assume it’s the girlfriend because it’s not!

Of couuurse it’s the girlfriends fault 🙄

His life his moving on. He has moved 50mins away. It’s sad but it happens. He still wants to see the family for occasions. It’s a lot to expect an adult child to come on Friday nights. Especially a 50min journey, 1hr40 round trip on a Friday after a long week at work, no thanks! Maybe they want to do other things? Maybe you should visit them more instead of them always doing the travelling.

Unfortunatley, I’ve noticed in my own family and many others, MIL always seem to pull the short end of the stick, especially when it comes to grandchildren. In general, daughters seem to be closer to their mothers in adulthood than sons. You here ‘mummy’s boy’ used in a derogatory manner when it comes to adults but never ‘mummy’s girl’.

I love my sons dearly and would never change them but would have loved a daughter too for that reason. I will forever be a MIL.

OP - you aren’t unreasonable to want to see your son. But you are unreasonable to expect to see him.

When mothers blame their sons' wives / GF’s it often stems from a combination of factors, including feeling a loss of their son's undivided attention, jealousy, a desire to maintain control, or a perceived threat to their own role in their son's life.

He has moved out & has his own life. Let him live it & cut the umbilical cord.

See I was happy doing Sunday dinners but he didn’t want to come at the weekend as a regular thing as he often does things then so that’s why he chose the takeaway night to come to instead

That sounds you offered him the choice of the Sunday dinners OR the takeaway night, rather than allowing him a free choice of the Sunday dinners or the takeaway night or casually dropping in from time to time or not coming at all.

YABU. You can't impose things like that on an adult son and his girlfriend. They should be living their own lives and the more you push and insist on something like the takeaways the more they are going to pull away.

50 minutes is a long way because it's nearly two hours driving there and back and then there's the time spent with the family. It's taking up the entire Friday night. Maybe they have other plans and want to go out on a Friday night with friends or they are fucking knackered after work and just want to chill out at home. I certainly wouldn't be going anywhere after work on a Friday.

You don't have a situation you need to fix.

After a day's work, expecting your son to drive 50 minutes to be with a dozen relatives on a Friday night for a takeaway is crackers!

I have adult DCs. They live with their partners. We get together when we can, and when we do, it is just lovely. However. They have lives to lead, busy jobs, lots to do and I would never demand or expect that they all come and see us on a certain night. We make things happen, we are in touch almost daily by whatsapp but I respect their new lives with their partners.

Sometimes I see them a fair bit, sometimes there's a gap, just depends what they and me are doing at the time.

Getting all the relatives together once a week sounds weird to me, but there you go.
And yes, I have strong family values too

Having strong family values dose not equal seeing your family all the time, if anything making a big deal about this is more likely to drive him away.

Agree with this.

I remember when I moved out, my mother expected me to answer the phone when she called. Often the conversations were negative, her talking at me, or something I did wrong (I lived 400 miles away!). I could feel anxiety every time I saw her number so I wouldn’t answer especially after a long day of school. My dad would call once a week and if I didn’t answer, he would talk to me the next week. He would ask me how I was, keep me updated with what was going on, etc. There was no expectations on his end. He understood that I was an adult.

My mother eventually asked him if he talked to me and he said he had and talks to me on specific day. She called me in front of him and I didn’t pick up. He called me and I picked up automatically thinking something was wrong because he called on a different day. She didn’t think to ask me why, instead she made it about me being disobedient and threatened to take my phone away (on a family plan at the time). I said ok, got my own phone and that angered her more. In my case, it was about control.

Those pesky, opinionated women; always corrupting the sweet, innocent boys who would see their family every day if only that other woman got out of their way...

YABU. Your son is an adult. He is choosing to live his life in a way that is different to the way you have chosen to live yours. You are being VERY unreasonable to make this change his girlfriend's fault. YOU raised him. Are you saying you raised someone so weak that anyone can tell them to do whatever they want and he'll say yes?

Things change over time and, much as we may not want to, we need to adapt. Try to be happy that your son has met someone he likes and he's making his own way in life. As long as you are friendly, welcoming and kind (NOT the same thing as demanding and full of expectations), they will want to visit, albeit it may not be as frequently as you would like.

My (late) husband and I had the same problem with both my mother and my Mil. Sulks if we didn’t visit at least weekly. In fact, when we got married, we didn’t go on honeymoon until the Monday because it was my FIL’s birthday!! We always said that when we had children, we would never put pressure on them to visit, even on birthdays etc. Our daughters and their husbands are in their 50s now. One of them comes regularly, with or without her husband, depending on work commitments. The other, not so much. She has carved out her own family life and works full time as well. We are still close and WhatsApp and phone frequently, but we don’t meet up as much. The thing is, when they visit, I know it’s because they WANT to, not because they are expected to. Give them a long lead, and they’ll always come back. Our granddaughter, bless her, is a very regular visitor and contacts me most days.
My tip is, when they leave home, accept the fact that they are forming their own lives. If they want to visit, they will. I am happy in the knowledge that when they come, it’s because they want to, so there is no resentment on either side.
If you love them, let them go. If they love you, you won’t lose them.

The last thing I’d want to do after a long working week is a two hour round trip for a takeaway with 15 of my extended family. They’re young. They probably want to meet with friends, have few drinks, go out for dinner, have sex etc. I would step back and leave it in their hands. It’ll change again once they have children.