AIBU to expect my son to visit once a month?

[LindPat]

My son moved in with his girlfriend about 10 months ago now. For the first 2 months he happily came up to us every week for the family takeaway night on a Friday, we have always done it, she would usually come with him. Then this decreased to every other week and she would come one out of the 2. It then went to just once a month which I did think was due to her having an influence as she stopped coming at all and will only come down for birthdays and events but my son has just said how he isn’t going to be coming up for the family takeaway night at all now and plans to just come when it’s the events and birthdays and then maybe if he really feels like it he might come for it but to not expect it anymore. I’m personally really unhappy with this, we hold strong family values and are a close family, his girlfriend less so which is why I think a lot comes from her. We live a 50 minute drive away from each other now and he says it’s too long after work to come for it, but it was only once a month which I don’t think is too much to put yourself out for. AIBU?

i only blame her as she is very quick to jump in to defend it when the topic comes up and proclaims how it’s “too much driving after work” or “too much to always use a weekend day”

Some people would be happy their son has found someone that is happy to stick up for them and values presenting a united front as a couple.

Your expectations are too much.

You have already said that you see them separately to the Friday night takeaways so I fail to see what the issue is.

I live in a different country to my parents and sister and they have dinner every single Friday as well as seeing them at other times. I can categorically tell you if I lived there I would not be doing this too.

He has learned by moving away he does not have to feed in to this obligation and expectation of doing what his mummy dictates.

Family values have nothing to do with it.

I do feel a little sorry for your MIL if it feels like a huge chore for her family to see her once a term!

do you work ? If not it would be much fairer and perhaps helpful to your son and his gf if you travel to him and bring a takeaway/have a coffee if during the day suits you better for travelling. I would suggest once every 6 weeks or so
your son is correct that he and gf are working and then spending min 2 hours travel to get to and from yours.
you come across like you don’t like gf, im sorry but your son is an adult and im sure he has his own view.
too often parents expect to be visited. Yes of course it’s great to have regular contact but it should be fair. You should visit them
imo you are expecting too much

This is a bit unrealistic for an awful lot of people. You're speaking from a privileged perspective. For many, the choice is living with housemates and the resulting problems and lack of privacy that can ensure, and living with the person you're dating. Because they can't afford to live alone and living with family either isn't an option due to space, location or finances, or it is a very unattractive one due to family dynamics. It's totally normal to choose living with a partner, if you have one, over living with housemates. Even if you've not known your partner long. It's a combination of financial circumstances and hoping for the best. Then when the relationship breaks up, the rental period comes to an end and they go their separate ways. Neither party is necessarily behaving inappropriately in the relationship, just things haven't worked out for whatever reason.

You seem to know something the rest of us don't @GirlWhatHaveYouDoneYoureAPinkPonyGirl 😆 is there another thread?

i only blame her as she is very quick to jump in to defend it when the topic comes up and proclaims how it’s “too much driving after work” or “too much to always use a weekend day” before he seems to even manage to explain it properly himself. She also doesn’t see her family much so I think she has convinced him it’s not necessary

Could it be because he has told her what your expectations are for him, he doesn’t feel the same so she is helping support him in doing what he wants instead of what you want him to do?

My DH and I are both from large families. He talks to his mum 4-5 times a week. 95% of his family live less than 30 minutes away from each other. We live about 5 hours away. He moved out and has never lived close again.

He loves his family but finds it all a bit full on when he visits. I’m used to way more people but understand how he can find it too much for him. I wait for him to mention going up for a visit. He doesn’t or will tell his mum we’re not coming. I’ve only asked him if it’s getting close to a holiday or it’s been awhile. Our daughter was almost one before she met his extended family and that was because I suggested we go up to visit or I take her up on my own.

I would hope I wasn’t secretly blamed for his choices even though it is known by them that I struggle with my own parents. I grew up seeing my grandparents, aunts and uncles several times a week growing up until I went off to uni.

Pressuring someone to attend is going to lead to problems. He’s building his life and is a young adult -
let him do it.

Just say to him that you understand and that the invitation will be open for if/when he/they fancy it.

Be very careful about this “close family” and “family values” stuff. It does not include trying to talk someone into doing something they have decided against. If you are genuinely close and this is genuinely fun, he’ll come back of his own accord. Give him time and don’t pressure him or make him feel guilty.

I also often find people who say “we have strong family values” actually don’t have much fun together, it’s just the line that is trotted out when someone doesn’t respond to a summons invitation.

YANBU to want to see your son regularly and even monthly - and expecting him to visit his family - including much loved grandparents while they’re still alive - given he lives only 50 miles away but the way you’re approaching making this happen isn’t working.

To try and make this happen and to future proof your relationship with your son and potential daughter in law here’s some strategic advice:

• make visits as flexible as possible
• don’t ever guilt trip them
• make spending time with family as attractive as possible!
• make sure you go to them - and meet them in the middle (pub lunch halfway?) as much as your son comes to you
• win over his girlfriend. Prioritise building a great relationship with her, understanding her needs and wants, and getting her to like and trust you. She may one day hold the key to accessing both your son and your grandchildren. Put in the groundwork early on. Bin any judgements you might have (eg about how often she sees her family) so she never detects them.

Maybe if they live close, have young children, but it sounds like the drive is getting too much, you haven’t said how old your DS is but I’m guessing fairly young, he dosnt want to be planning a regular take away night he wants to go home to his gf, meet up with her for nights out, go out with work colleagues or friends on a Friday night, crash at home for his own take away with his gf, without worrying about plans he’s expected to keep.

A 2 hour drive on a Friday night after a week at work and socialising with 15 family members sounds exhausting, I absolutely would never have done this.

Having strong family values dose not equal seeing your family all the time, if anything making a big deal about this is more likely to drive him away.

It's a long distance, I doubt that many who would drive for an hour after work for a takeaway. Once a child has a partner, they do normally visit their parents less, especially sons.

I'd recommend forgetting the Friday meet-up for him, he's too far away. Start again with fun stuff on Saturdays or Sundays, and make sure you visit them at least as much, I know some parents/family who expect relatives who have "moved away" to do all the driving. Having said that, I have relatives who rarely see their siblings 6 minutes walk away from each other nearby streets, even with no relationship issues.

Also meeting up halfway for lunch/tea/shopping. I think the popularity of eating out for Sunday lunch is partly driven by this kind of situation

YABU. First for blaming his gf. Secondly, you seem to be missing the point that DS has moved out and is moving on. I can see gf point of not particularly wanting to drive down to your house every weekend, when presumably they have other things that they could/would like to be doing. I understand that family is important, but you are going to be a very unhappy woman if you can't understand that as your children grow up, your immediate family will not be centre of their universe. Even the fact that you talk about it as an 'expectation' sounds suffocating. When I left my parents home, living alone, at 23, I saw them maybe once a month, maybe. I worked full-time and would pop down when I had spare time, the expectation that I would be there on specific times for a set activity would have been suffocating. Some weekends I just wanted to chill out at home by myself. It's time for them to build their own traditions.

I think every parent will HOPE (Hope hope hope lol!!) their child will come and visit regularly but if you say it you put on pressure and make people not want to come or feel they have to figure out how to get there if you know what I mean? (my mum would finish every time I popped over with ‘so when will I see you again?) Give him some space and he’ll probably be over like a shot!

Ps a lot of the people giving out about their mother in laws probably see their own mums once a week, go shopping with her and talk to her on the phone every day!!

One of the early PPs had it - it's the expectation. They don't want to commit to this arrangement on a regular basis and they resent the fact that you feel entitled to insist they attend/are pressuring them. Your son will also be well aware that you are blaming his girlfriend for this.

Tbh this has some similarities with my DH's mum in the early days of our relationship. She had very rigid ideas of what she wanted from him in terms of visits, didn't appreciate the fact that once he moved out of his childhood home he would want to forge his own lifestyle and be in charge of his own social calendar, and she blamed my influence for what she saw as a change in his behaviour rather than the fact he'd just moved out and become independent. She wasn't prepared to compromise or make plans that suited both parties and so consequently they're more or less estranged decades down the line. We see her for a brief 30 mins present exchange around Christmas and if there's a big family event like a wedding or big birthday. No fallout, just DH didn't want to be a perpetual teenager and his mother wasn't prepared to budge from her position at all.

It all sounds and feels a bit too formulaic - expectations can quickly become obligations and chores, even for things that were previously held in high regard and enjoyed. Especially with a 50 min drive either side.

I would make it clear to your son that you would love to see him/them at Friday night takeaway whenever the fancy it but express no expectation of it at all. Leave it as an open invitation, joy of it being takeaway is there is no need for much/any notice either way.

Meet up with him at other times - nearer/where he lives at least 50% of the time. Ad hoc. I really wouldn't push this one.

I think you will be pushing him away further by having expectations around this and he will start to view the really lovely tradition you have negatively.

Nothing sucks the fun out of something quicker than making it mandatory. I wouldn’t want to spend every Friday doing anything. Or every Sunday or every Christmas. I definitely wouldn’t want a 2 hour round trip after work every Friday for a takeaway with 15 people, even if I absolutely loved the bones of all 15 of them. Putting obligations and expectations on people is not the same as “family values”. Frankly, if he enjoyed it he would go, but he doesn’t so he’s trying to get out of it. Saying it’s “useful” because he gets to see 15 people at once is missing the point rather.

i am genuinely taking comments on board but of course I didn’t think I was actually in the wrong to start with or I wouldn’t be thinking this way and I admit I was hoping for some more understanding to see how to go about fixing this situation but clearly I am way off on how others think, I genuinely thought many see their child more (as many have said on here it’s actually weekly they see them etc) so I thought my once a month expectation was really very reasonable

You still don't get it, do you.
It's not about how often you want to see him, but it's your expectation.

The only thing that needs fixing is your expectation of him.

Stop expecting anything from him.
Give him the choice.

Also you're already visiting him once a month anyway so it's not like you'll never see him!

I think you're scared to let him choose in case you don't see him, but I guarantee if you hold on tight you will push him even further away.

His GF is standing up for him as she can see how overbearing you are! She is in any case entitled to her opinion. All families are different and no doubt you don't know or understand hers. Your DS is building a new life with her and it may or may not last but for now you need to adapt to the change in his priorities. You cannot set things in stone for the rest of his days and sod his wishes or those of the woman he's chosen to live with.

You have 'strong family values' - SHE is his family now, they are making their own new family and you have to realise that. You are no longer his priority, and this is exactly how it should be.

You have to let them go, OP.

@LindPat I’ve only read your messages, so some one might have suggested this already, if so apologies.

him coming to you once a month and you going to them once a month does mean they are seeing you twice every month, which is actually a lot. And I can see they might feel it’s that’s a lot to maintain. One meet up a month is more then enough. Why don’t you suggest they both come to yours once every other month, and then you and your husband go to visit them the other month. Or on your “visit them day” arrange a simple trip. Take away any hosting pressure.

Reading between the lines, I suspect the “strong family values” line is your way of justifying being a dominating matriarch who wishes to control your and your wider family, by expecting them to dutifully attend their “weekly service” with you as the “high priestess”…

I wonder how many of the other 15 actually enjoy the weekly summons, or whether they come out of habit and duty, and fear of offending you.

Presumably he's expected to come to.all the family "events" as well as the takeaway nights. Can't see him being allowed to skip auntie Sue's 52nd birthday bash or cousin Mike's kid's parties. With 15 regulars at the Friday night sessions it must feel like he has no time to himself.

Most people are clarifying that a rigid monthly obligation on a set day is the main issue and “expectation” would better expressed and experienced as “hope”. A lot of responders are saying that with similar distance involved they do or did see their parents/ adult children once a month or more but that sometimes it’s more or less frequent and it’s by fluid reciprocal initiation and not a summons or directive issued by one party.

Lots of people have also pointed out that there is often a natural ebb and flow with young adults focussing more energy on their peers, romantic partners, going out and working but that they often gravitate back to seeing their parents and childhood family later on.

OP states that these now monthly (used to be weekly) extended family takeaway expectations are in addition to the (probably numerous) family events he attends so he was probably seeing them a lot more and still is seeing them.

People are trying to help OP to step outside her own perspective as she risks getting the opposite result to what she wants if she doesn’t change her approach by making her son feel visits are a chore and obligation instead of times he enjoys spending with people he loves and gets on with.

I have noticed that “we are a close family”, which is a lovely thing to be, is often verbalised by people with a bit of a clan mentality and that’s not very healthy, particularly for people who marry into that family. It's like their family is also their hobby and identity which is suffocating for any member who wants outside interests and focus. Most of the families I know are close but the only ones who state it regularly are very like that. They are close but it’s weighted with obligation and people an intermittently in the bad books. In-laws in the younger generation are tolerated but not really liked. In one, the son, who sees his parents regularly, often with his wife and now children is seen as being led by his “stuck up” wife, who is working class like them but has a good and fairly demanding job and hasn’t sufficiently transitioned to being a “Robinson” now she’s married a son of the family. I’m friends with a daughter of that family. They are close but it’s a double edged sword for sure. There’s an awful lot of expectation from the parents, in my friend’s case from a very dominant father more than the mother. Even he didn’t try to police a mandatory weekly takeaway night for all members though and he’s a very rigid man 😂

That pretty much sums it up for most people.

What's wrong with spontaneity?

When I first met DH he said that he was glad he lived too far away from his mum to do the obligatory every Sunday afternoon visits to her that his sister, her DH and DC did.

His mum was lovely, and we did visit her a lot because we never felt any obligation to visit. We went because we wanted to. MIL and I had a very close relationship and she told me that she told all her friends that she was delighted to have me as a DIL.

We also visited my family a lot because we wanted to and not because there was an expectation to do so.

In both cases we lived hundreds of miles away from both families so it was always a weekend visit, not just an evening.

15 people every Friday night is just too much, even for a sociable person like me, especially after a week at work and nearly an hour each way to drive.

DD is a student again at a university a couple of hours away. She hasn't been home since January until this weekend as it is a very full on course. I am delighted that she has settled well and has made friends. She is living her best life and, as far as I am concerned, if she is happy then so am I.

Being a parent is all about letting go, not guilt tripping your DC into visiting you all the time.

Yes, I know families like this… expects to attend all manner of family events for cousins, aunts and uncles… Invariably many of them look bored out of their minds and stand vacantly (presumably secretly longing for it all to end). The emphasis is on a performance getting the family together rather than having a good time.