To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

[ThatTaupeOtter]

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

“Hello? This is Goady McGoadson, calling from Goadsville”.

It's nice not to have to cook for everyone all the time as well. I love it when I work somewhere with a proper cafeteria where you can get a cooked meal that someone else has prepared. It's a real treat to eat in peace without having to go to any effort 😁!

Depends if their kids are at home or not. Pre school kids, YABU, SAHM have it much harder than working mums. Once kids are at school, then no YANBU, they get a six hour break each day!

Totally agree it depends on the child and the circumstances. Some babies are easier than others and I know being at home with high-needs children can be absolutely relentless.

Yes, my kids are in childcare while I’m working but the pressure doesn’t end when I clock off. It’s rushing to get there on time, sorting dinner, bath, bedtime, and still being ‘on’ even when I’m wiped out from the day. Plus, the mental load of work deadlines, home life, and being emotionally available for your kids all at once.

So while the physical hours might be covered during the day, the intensity of trying to do both well can be exhausting, just in a different way.

100%. Or perhaps employed (paid or unpaid) as a housekeeper by her DH.

But certainly not financially independent.

I was a SAHM until my youngest started school. I now work. How I yearn for those SAHM days! Staying at home with your babies is 100% easier than going to work!!

Next time she says this reply " No you wouldn't, because you would have by now if you really wanted to"

Work legally has to have breaks. Commuting is a break. You come home to a tidy house that hasn't been played in and messed up all day.
I find this statement equivalent to saying full time mums have it far easier than dad's. Generally childcare is far more mentally and physically exhausting (if doing it properly anyway).
I'm much more tired now I work part time than before I dropped my hours.

Neither are superior.
Both roles are equally exhausting.
Both of you are entitled to feel exhausted and jealous of the other.
Both of you are unreasonable to make judgements of each others worth based on your perceived role superiority.

"all the parenting" that happens after pick up time in the same way that SAHPs are parenting 24/7

Exactly this

Does it really matter which is harder? It is all bloody hard isn't it? Just in different ways. I work part-time and look after young children, so I feel like I am in-between both worlds and I just don't think anyone is winning. We are all making sacrifices, we are all juggling and managing shitty situations. We are all absolutely exhausted. I admire any mum who is managing to keep their head above water whether they work eight days a week or none.

Have you looked after children under 4 24/7 at any point? It's exhausting. That said, I much preferred it to going out to work (I was a teacher).

Well yeah, obviously.

No YNBU and are 100 percent right.
Working full time is much harder, as you still have to do everything else as well as the long 8+ hours a day of work.

Pope Catholic?

I completely respect that, I know looking after under-4s full-time is exhausting and I’m not here to argue otherwise. I’ve done solo full weekends or stretches during holidays and it’s full-on - no breaks, constant demands, and zero off-switch.

I think what I’m trying to express is that both paths can be draining, just in different ways. Full-time parenting is physically relentless, full-time working and parenting is mentally and emotionally relentless, especially when there’s no down time at either end.

It’s not a competition but it’s also okay to say “Hey, I’m tired too.”

Being on maternity leave with three DC under 5 was an absolute piece of piss compared to my job but everyone’s different.
I’m afraid I’d have to shut down any conversation about how ‘lucky’ it is to be a working mum by muttering a vague ‘sounds tough for you’ and then moving the conversation on. Or offer to point them in the direction of jobs they could do to get some of the luck.

My friend who was SAHM for five years used to say this all the time. Now she’s back at work, not a word. She’s just too busy!

So are we comparing:

(a) a SAHP with all their kids at school and with a supportive spouse vs a working parent who is a brain surgeon and has kids with additional needs, or

(b) a SAHP with mental health issues who has a baby, a toddler and older children with ADHD/autism vs a working parent who has their dream job as a potter or florist and no stress at home, or

(c) some other combination?

It all depends on context.

The stress level for SAHPs varies wildly; the stress level for working parents varies wildly; the stress level for adults without children varies wildly.

When you get home and try to do something but your child is constantly nonstop up in your grill…

Now imagine that all day plus all evening.

Its probably true that you aren’t privileged and that working and parenting is a grind but there is something to be said for having a few minutes in the day to think your own thoughts in your head uninterrupted even if it is only on a busy commute.

It’s valid not to want a one sided friendship if she is always offloading on you. Maybe you should try to communicate the struggles of being a working parent and you would feel things were a bit more equal.

I can imagine! I’m planning on going back to work and know it will be much harder. If her kids are already in school then she is being very unreasonable saying it’s harder to be a SAHM!

Depends, if you have a job you enjoy or an easy office type job and a good support network to help with raising your family or enough money to pay for a nanny, working is easier. I imagine if you have a physically demanding or stressful job you don’t enjoy and frequent childcare issues and dilemmas then being a stay at home parent is probably easier.

These threads are done to death. But here goes with my views.

SAHM of SCHOOL age neurotypical children who also have no disabilities/extra needs who is in reasonably good health, with a partner who is generally supportive- almost certainly easier than a mum working outside the home.

SAHM of children not at school, especially if toddlers/young babies and more than one child-arguably harder than working outside the home, but COULD be ‘easier’ depending on how many/any additional needs/how much partner contributes etc.

SAHM of children with additional needs who require lots of support- pretty much guaranteed to harder than a mum working outside the home who has children with NO additional needs.

Working mum of children with additional needs who is constantly being pulled in a million directions and always stressed about losing her job- almost certainly way harder than a SAHM of children with no additional needs.

Context, circumstances, finances, family support, what your working outside the job is like, commute, partner (or not and what kind) whether you want to be at home, etc etc the list goes on. It’s not a competition or race to the bottom.

I wanted to go back to work earlier this year. Wanted to, could not because of the needs of two of my children making it absolutely impossible. I am technically a SAHM. And actually, I love parts of being a SAHM. But having that choice taken away is also non ideal. Luckily I am okay about it, but believe me, even though 2 out of 3 of my kids are school age, I am beyond stressed a lot of the time. I am also aware of the fact I’m lucky to be at home in some ways, and that I get a break when my toddler naps etc,

One angle to this debate is that women often feel forced into either becoming a SAHP or cutting their hours because of a completely unsupportive partner. They drive themselves into the ground trying to do everything or they often realise from the outset that they just can't do full-time work in their previous job without help and support.

Of course life with small children, a partner who doesn't pull their weight and never, ever having a break will feel hard going. And then many SAHP/women working part-time feel financially trapped and so may put up with it longer than women who still work full-time. Because let's face it, at the point at which you're working full-time, doing everything for the kids and doing most of the household chores, you're very soon going to look at your OH and think "What precisely is the point of him?" Which means that men will probably either be more likely to pull their weight (at least to some extent) in relationships where their partners can walk away more easily, or such relationships will probably end sooner.