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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

394 replies

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

OP posts:
Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 04/04/2025 21:39

I’ve done both. The juggle of full time work is infinitely preferable to the relentless monotony of being home with small children IMO.

melua · 04/04/2025 21:39

I was always a SAHM precisely because it's MUCH easier being able to focus on your kids without the additional pressure of a job, it's not just about time, it's about headspace. Not to mention energy for them. I never did much housework as we had a cleaner anyway. God knows why this OP wants her life 'respected' as the hardest - isn't the point to have the best life you can and freedom? Is this the Misery Olympics or something? Nobody will give you a medal. I think I have a great life now because my kids are all older teens. I'm not going back to work, what for? You must be joking. I'm too busy living my life.

OP if your friend thinks you have an easier life than her, so what? Just say, "I know, thanks."

CalleOcho · 04/04/2025 21:39

AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

Yes YABU. And sound quite bitter about it.

She probably feels very lonely and quite isolated. Not being able to have an adult conversation for most of the day can be quite sad.

She’s probably relentlessly trying to entertain her young child whilst tidying up after them.

Nobody, wether they are working full time, part time, self employed or a SAH parent has it “easier” then anyone else.

There are pros and cons to all situations. Some women will love staying home. Some others will hate it. Some women will love going out to work full time. Some others will hate it.

Stop bitching about your friend online and thank yourself lucky this is a first-world problem.

Azureshores · 04/04/2025 21:39

I'm a sahm. Mine are all at high school and uni now and I have a lovely time pottering about and doing housework etc. or whatever I want really. I'm quite lazy and I lay in bed until 10ish every day reading with cups of tea. No inclination to go back to work.

I wouldn't swap places with my working friends for anything. So I'd agree with you OP!

RufustheFactuaIReindeer · 04/04/2025 21:42

DevilledEgg · 04/04/2025 21:19

Neither are superior.
Both roles are equally exhausting.
Both of you are entitled to feel exhausted and jealous of the other.
Both of you are unreasonable to make judgements of each others worth based on your perceived role superiority.

Well said

as other posters have said its all down to context

MeliusMoriQuamServire · 04/04/2025 21:44

Fully agree.

I was a SAHM for a bit and then a single parent working full time after that.

Compared to a full time job, sitting at home was an absolute doddle, just dull. For me, personally. It was like holiday. I don't recognize any of that 'can't even spare 5 mins to shower', 'can't even go to toilet alone'. It was never like that for me.

Single parenting with a toddler, full time job, no input - financial or otherwise - from ex and my whole family living abroad, was hard. But still, the hardest part was working. Picking up DD from childcare, coming back, cooking dinner, etc was a doddle in comparison.

'Mental load' it's just ridiculous. It's not any sort of 'load', it's normal life. Plus everything's online now.

This is my personal experience and opinion. Others will live in different circs and will have different views.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2025 21:45

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 21:08

Yeah, I get why it might come across that way and that’s part of why I’ve found it frustrating at times. But I wouldn’t call her unemployed - she’s still running the household, managing everything at home, and doing school runs and all the rest of it, which has value.

My issue isn’t with how she spends her time, it’s with the way she speaks about mine, as though my job is somehow a cushy break from reality. I respect her choice but I just want that respect to go both ways.

Show quote history

You still need to run a household, manage things at home and either do school runs or at least organise them when you're working too.

She isn't spending the majority of her time caring for young children so she isn't a SAHM.

Givemethesun · 04/04/2025 21:46

LMichelleFxx · 04/04/2025 20:29

Honestly both are exhausting in their own way. Although I’m currently on MAT leave, I usually work 4 days (solicitor so quite demanding/can be stressful) and I solo parent on my day off…. rest assured I am exhausted come the evening of my day off with my 4 year old 🙈😂

Haha this is me. I love my one day off with my dc but blimey by the end of the day get me in bed and back to work tomorrow

Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 21:47

melua · 04/04/2025 21:39

I was always a SAHM precisely because it's MUCH easier being able to focus on your kids without the additional pressure of a job, it's not just about time, it's about headspace. Not to mention energy for them. I never did much housework as we had a cleaner anyway. God knows why this OP wants her life 'respected' as the hardest - isn't the point to have the best life you can and freedom? Is this the Misery Olympics or something? Nobody will give you a medal. I think I have a great life now because my kids are all older teens. I'm not going back to work, what for? You must be joking. I'm too busy living my life.

OP if your friend thinks you have an easier life than her, so what? Just say, "I know, thanks."

Edited

I think you’ve actually proved my point. You were a SAHM because it made your life easier, and that’s totally valid. But I don’t see why that logic can’t apply the other way around too. I work because I want to and need to, I find it challenging - just as you acknowledge staying home can be, in different ways.

This isn’t about asking for a medal or claiming my life is the ‘hardest.’ It’s about wanting the effort and pressure I do feel to be acknowledged, especially by someone who regularly comments that I’ve got it easier.

It’s not about misery or competition. It’s about mutual respect.

OP posts:
DarkAndConfusingTimes · 04/04/2025 21:48

Totally depends on the number of kids and their ages….

2 at school age and up - yeah you’ve got a point
3 kids under 4 - she’s definitely right and she’s in the trenches atm

DivergentTris · 04/04/2025 21:51

I spent some time as a sahm, then went back full time. My job is stressful, 12 hrs shifts, but, I find it easier than being at home more.

It has forced my husband to step up and share the responsibility at home, the kids cope better to, before hand they came to me for EVERYTHING, as did my DH too. It was sucking the life out of me and they seemed to have little resilience with me always around. It nearly broke my spirit they expected me to do/sort everything.

Life seems more balanced now all my eggs aren't in one basket. Everyone at home us better round each other and mucking in more. So yes, for me working is now easier than being a sahm.

But op, everyone is different. People's lives are not comparable, to many variables to throw into the mix.

You simply can not judge or pass comment as you will only see a snap shot of the bigger picture.

Randomsabreur · 04/04/2025 21:51

I've done sahm, and working 0.8 while doing most pick ups and drop offs (DH has a PITA "big job"). I'm much happier working 0.8, for me it is easier to work than be a sahp. 0.6 would be the easiest balance for me but I like the money from 0.8 while full time would mean more tax etc and more wrap around costs plus kids would lose their sports clubs...

I don't particularly like spending all of my time around kids and I also prefer working in an office rather than from home as I found being a sahp of pre schoolers/toddlers very isolating.

CandidGreenSquid · 04/04/2025 21:54

This has been done to death on here but personally, I think your friend has a point that being a SAHM is exhausting and she probably never gets a break. I think it probably boils down to what kind of DH you have too and whether he helps when he’s finished work. I work PT and that’s enough for me to realise that if I was a SAHM I would do absolutely everything and never have a minute to myself. I have a very high pressure job but it’s actually a break and I love working. Of course, I love DC but I also know that if I didn’t work I would only do childcare, chores and cooking every single waking minute and I’d have no help. My DH doesn’t lift a finger but I just outsource everything I can which I doubt I could do if I was a SAHM due to finances. For some people, it’s easier to be in work, and for others it’s easier to be at home. There’s no right or wrong.

maybein2022 · 04/04/2025 21:56

I also wanted to add- I think whether or not your job has the possibility to WFH/flex a bit is hugely important.

melua · 04/04/2025 21:57

The day I dropped the 4th child at reception was brilliant. You have about 6 hours to yourself. Magic! Yes, you're often doing stuff related to the kids regardless - but it's freedom. It's fantastic not having to rush. Also, just to walk around hands free on your own agenda. You really appreciate your own time. You can do as much or as little as you like, it totally depends what's going on and how you feel. Also, one of the kids is ill and then they all get it, one after the other, no problem. Same with different school holidays, or if they have appointments in the school day. Life is just less rushed, less pressured. You can help them much more with their education too - for us, this was the main advantage. Many people are SAHP precisely for this reason.

pearbottomjeans · 04/04/2025 21:59

People choose to be a SAHM because it’s easier logistically. So you’re not wrong there. But that’s very black and white and simplistic. I was a SAHM for 9 years, loved it but it was frigging hard work. I now work and the balance is way better, far less housework (DH does lots now), way less intense with the kids. But also I see the kids less so the mum-guilt is way worse. I loved SAHM but it was hard. I love working but it’s hard. Both true facts.

It’s not a competition, they’re both hard, and surely most women have experience of both, or a combination - most women have at least taken a year or SAHM life, multiple if multiple maternity leaves. The vast majority of women I know are either SAHMs, part time workers, or have gone back to work after a stint of SAHM. So in the real world, everyone knows it’s not black and white and can see others’ perspectives.

Viviandcoco · 04/04/2025 22:00

I am a SAHM and I find it insulting to read posts like this. I have two children (1 and 3) and my husband is out of the house from 5am to 7:30pm every week day so I do all the parenting by myself until the weekend. I find it relentless and have struggled a lot since having my second baby, but I never compare my situation to my friends who work because I am too busy worrying about my own life to judge anyone else’s.

CarolinaWren · 04/04/2025 22:00

You're being unreasonable for posting this question again, when the exact same thing was just posted a few days ago, and a few days before that.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 04/04/2025 22:00

It depends on the circumstance doesn’t it? Number of kids, any SENDs, ages of the kids, other commitments (like caring for elderly parents), a shit/useless husband and so on.

Just like not every working mum has the exact same circumstances and struggles.

My life is definitely easier than my friend’s who is a SAHM, despite working.

Animatic · 04/04/2025 22:03

For me it is easier not to be a SAHM, never tried but it would drive me insane as my extreme FOMO would kick up a mental storm. So I can understand why it is harder.
But then obviously balancing both motherhood and demanding careers is not for faint hearted.
We can't have it easy either way as there are other human beings whose lives literally depend on us, whichever model you go for.

Damsonjam1 · 04/04/2025 22:04

I don't think you can generalise. Fwiw, I worked part time (3 days a week) and felt I had the best of both worlds when my children were young.

melua · 04/04/2025 22:04

CarolinaWren · 04/04/2025 22:00

You're being unreasonable for posting this question again, when the exact same thing was just posted a few days ago, and a few days before that.

Yes, what is the point of this thread? Are you the same poster as the other day? I think people just make all this up.

Ryanstartedthefire22 · 04/04/2025 22:07

Depends on the age of the kids.

If they are at school being a SAHM is obviously way easier.

Missedvocation · 04/04/2025 22:09

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

Of course it’s easier being a stay at home parent. One job. FT workers have two (at least). Parenting is always full time whether you stay at home or not. Work is exhausting, regardless of benefits - and if it isn’t you’re doing a shite job of it 😆

Downwardkitty · 04/04/2025 22:10

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

I would say that most SAHMs do in fact have to "constantly prove their value"