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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

394 replies

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 20:55

Beautifulweeds · 04/04/2025 20:48

I assumed the sahm wasn't with school age children as you're not staying at home with DC? I may sound a bit stupid here, so does a sahm include this? Honestly, please forgive my ignorance. Xx

Not a stupid question at all, I think the definition of SAHM can definitely get a bit blurry once kids are in school. In this case, yes, my friend still identifies as a SAHM, even though her children are now in school full-time.

She doesn’t work outside the home and her focus is still on managing the household and being available for her kids before and after school, which is totally valid. But it’s also where some of the tension comes in because from my perspective, having school hours completely free looks very different from juggling a full-time job and parenting around it.

I think it’s fair to acknowledge that SAHM life can look really different depending on the stage of parenting someone’s in.

OP posts:
LovesLavender · 04/04/2025 20:55

I was a stay at home mum until both children started school. I would not have liked to have worked, and missed those days.
I agree with you, especially seeing the younger women at work, juggling work and motherhood.
It had It's tiring and stressful days, but on the whole was easier and more enjoyable. I loved the Summer months in particular.

ProfessionalPirate · 04/04/2025 20:56

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:40

You’re right. It’s not a competition and everyone’s situation is different. But I think the frustration comes when someone keeps implying that your life is easier or that you’re somehow more ‘privileged’ because you work outside the home… while ignoring the stress, pressure, and constant juggling that comes with it.

I’m not trying to rank who’s got it worse, just saying that sometimes the narrative from SAHMs can feel a bit one-sided, especially when full-time working parents are still doing all the parenting after their workday ends.

Show quote history

There’s no ‘narrative’ from SAHMs. Your friend just happens to be someone that moans. If she worked, she’d be moaning about that instead. Some people are just like that. They are annoying. Don’t read so much into it.

Jelly4444 · 04/04/2025 20:56

I've done both! Young children are very tough. I found it difficult with 3 under 3 and being at work would have been easier. It depends on the children too. One difficult child can be a lot harder than 3 easy kids. It also depends on your job. Some jobs command a lot more time and effort than others. Theres no right or wrong answer here. It really depends on circumstances.

Yousay55 · 04/04/2025 20:57

It really depends if her dc are at home all day or not.
I’ve worked and appreciated the businesses and routine but coming home to tired dc isn’t easy. Staying at home is incredibly hard if you’re alone with young dc all day everyday.

Beautifulweeds · 04/04/2025 20:58

Have you never turned it back on her to say oh I would love to spend more time with my DC and not have to work?

Some people are dramatic about life and see grass is greener. Pop in a comment that she's lucky to not have to work, I would have definitely by now if a friend said I had it easier having to work. Xx

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2025 21:00

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 20:55

Not a stupid question at all, I think the definition of SAHM can definitely get a bit blurry once kids are in school. In this case, yes, my friend still identifies as a SAHM, even though her children are now in school full-time.

She doesn’t work outside the home and her focus is still on managing the household and being available for her kids before and after school, which is totally valid. But it’s also where some of the tension comes in because from my perspective, having school hours completely free looks very different from juggling a full-time job and parenting around it.

I think it’s fair to acknowledge that SAHM life can look really different depending on the stage of parenting someone’s in.

Show quote history

Wait a minute, her kids are in school? That makes her complaining to you and making out that she has it so much harder worse.

She isn't a SAHM, she's unemployed.

Doolallies · 04/04/2025 21:00

I’ve done both.

full time mum with a toddler at nursery. Sahm with 2 under 4.

juggling work and child was horrible. I never knew what food was in the fridge, stuff went off. Was never on top of washing. Got judged at work for not being committed enough.

Prefer being sahm, it’s not easier but there’s less to think about. And you are your own boss

EmeraldShamrock000 · 04/04/2025 21:00

Yes, sahm have it easier in many ways. FT working mothers have to squish the same stuff into the week.

UnimaginableWindBird · 04/04/2025 21:01

I did several years as a SAHM and have found paid work an absolute doss in comparison. But I can imagine that some jobs are a lot harder than my job is, and some SAHPs have a lot more resources than I had to make live easier, so I think it comes down to individual experiences and isn't really the sort of situation where generalisations are particularly meaningful.

Beautifulweeds · 04/04/2025 21:03

Absolutely. Ask her if she would like to get up extra early, get DC ready, take them to nursery, which costs a fortune, then do a full day, drive back to pick up then do evening tasks.

She doesn't have to swap with you, she could get a FT job, suggest it. Look here's the job link, have a look, you could maybe get a job where I work?

I really couldn't put up with her attitude 😒

Bryonyberries · 04/04/2025 21:03

I’d have preferred to be a SAHM rather than juggling work, home and kids as a single mum . Especially as earning potential was limited already by being a single mum.

Purpleturtle43 · 04/04/2025 21:04

There are far too many variables to compare, not least the difficulty of your job or kids!

Are the kids at home all day or at school? Is there money to entertain the kids? Are there other SAHMs to meet up with? How many children are there? What age are they? Do they have SEN? Is there family support?

How hard is the job? Do you get a break? Is it stressful? Is the Dad hands on and helpful?

I work part time as a teacher, so no escaping kids either way, but when the kids were younger being at work was easier. Now they are all at school being at home is easier 🤣

converseandjeans · 04/04/2025 21:05

I think it depends on your line of work tbh - I always found mine easier even as toddlers than a class full of teenagers. I imagine a quiet admin type job might seem easier than small children.

I do some admin now in addition to teaching & feel like it’s almost a non working day if I sit doing emails - it’s much easier than dealing with a class.

FatherFrosty · 04/04/2025 21:06

What works for one doesn’t another. You have to do what’s right for you and your family. We should be encouraging informed choice not judging and criticising others.

Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 21:06

Beautifulweeds · 04/04/2025 20:58

Have you never turned it back on her to say oh I would love to spend more time with my DC and not have to work?

Some people are dramatic about life and see grass is greener. Pop in a comment that she's lucky to not have to work, I would have definitely by now if a friend said I had it easier having to work. Xx

That’s good advice, I probably should try that approach. I’ve hinted at it before, saying things like “I’d love more time with the kids too,” but it either gets brushed off or she doubles down on how ‘lonely’ or ‘thankless’ her role is.

I think you’re right though, some people just fall into that grass is greener thinking and maybe a light comment back would help balance things out without making it a big deal. I’m definitely going to try that next time she brings it up.

OP posts:
Tulippilut · 04/04/2025 21:06

You can’t possibly say either way , it depends on the situation .

I work full time, have 2 children - one with SEN - I feel like I don’t stop between work and home ! But - I absolutely LOVE my job . I would have it any other way , I don’t bring my work home with me so I have my evenings and weekends with my family ( admittedly I work term time only so I get that’s easier as I always have most of the holidays off ) but I also have a life outside of being a wife and other , I have a career with progression and I’m passionate about it , I don’t think I could handle being a SAHM - mine are in school anyway but I would say the thought of being home all day every day with young children - as much as I love you children - feels like it would be so much harder ! In fact I’ve done it and I was less happy and more tired than I am now.

However I have a friend in the exact opposite situation - used to work full time , went on maternity and never went back to work, she has 2 young children but says that she thinks being at work was more tiring . She hated her job though .

Luckyducky10 · 04/04/2025 21:06

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

Well I have been both. I work full time, now, and mentally it’s easier to work as your getting stimulated. But life is draining, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to work, life is tiring, you live your life in such a rush, everyday becomes the same, plus I still have to do all I did as a sahm but add a full time job in,

Beeloux · 04/04/2025 21:07

If you’re working full time, I presume nursery/ a family member is doing the brunt of your childcare for you?
I think it depends on the dc. I was a SAHM when ds1 (who was very high needs) was a baby and it was tough. I’m now a single parent with two but ds1 is in nursery and ds2 is a very placid, easygoing baby. I don’t find it hard at all.

Neetra30 · 04/04/2025 21:08

No they don't. Being a stay at home is much harder than a working mum.
And I say this as a full time working mum!

Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 21:08

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2025 21:00

Wait a minute, her kids are in school? That makes her complaining to you and making out that she has it so much harder worse.

She isn't a SAHM, she's unemployed.

Show quote history

Yeah, I get why it might come across that way and that’s part of why I’ve found it frustrating at times. But I wouldn’t call her unemployed - she’s still running the household, managing everything at home, and doing school runs and all the rest of it, which has value.

My issue isn’t with how she spends her time, it’s with the way she speaks about mine, as though my job is somehow a cushy break from reality. I respect her choice but I just want that respect to go both ways.

OP posts:
NaiceBalonz · 04/04/2025 21:09

DorothyStorm · 04/04/2025 19:40

So what about a sahm who sends their child to preschool, nursery or school? Is that outsourcing?

Show quote history

If your child is in school you're not a SAHM, you're unemployed.

Beeloux · 04/04/2025 21:09

Also with young dc, you have to supervise them constantly. No time to have a break where as at work, I found it much less stressful. You have a lunch break where you can eat in peace and relax. When you’re a sahm that isn’t always possible.

feemcgee · 04/04/2025 21:10

I’ve come onto this thread to say that women should be lifting each other up, not knocking each other down xx

Toomuchlemonade · 04/04/2025 21:11

You just can't compare like for like though. It depends; some jobs are more stressful than others. Also, it would depend if the stay at home parent has money for lovely activities, days out and a good support network. Or are they isolated, lonely and can't afford to get out. Too many variables to compare like for like.