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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say stay-at-home mums have it easier than full-time workers?

394 replies

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:27

I work FT in a demanding job. I’ve got a friend who’s a SAHM and constantly talks about how exhausting it is, how she never gets a break, how I’m “lucky” to get adult conversation. But she doesn’t have to commute, deal with office politics, or constantly prove her value. I get home and still have to parent. AIBU to think she actually has it easier and that she’s being a bit dramatic?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 20:36

ThatMrsM · 04/04/2025 20:25

So why don't you have a conversation with her about the difficulties from your side, why let her go off on a monologue about how lucky you are? If she's a good friend then you should both equally be able to talk about your struggles and happiness.

Show quote history

To be honest, I have tried a few times to gently steer the convo towards the challenges I face too. But it tends to get brushed off or met with, “Well, at least you get a break from the kids,” or “I’d swap with you in a second”, which makes it hard to feel like I’m being heard.

I’m not opposed to having the conversation more directly and maybe that’s what it’ll take at this point. But when someone is constantly venting or romanticising your side of things, it creates a weird dynamic where saying, ‘Actually, it’s really tough for me too,’ can feel like you’re either being dismissive or trying to one-up them.

Still, maybe you’re right and it’s time to just have the honest chat.

OP posts:
doodahdayy · 04/04/2025 20:36

I’m currently on maternity leave. Ds2 is 6 months old and ds1 is in reception. It’s a doddle with ds1 at school most of the day. I get to go off to a class in the morning then a quick food shop and then its school pick up. I don’t feel stressed. I do have a supportive dh though. When I go back to work full time the holidays and pick ups will be a juggle but I won’t feel stressed about that either. It’s just different. Neither is that hard with the right support. We don’t have family nearby but manage between us fine.

Bournetilly · 04/04/2025 20:36

I think it depends on the age of the kids.

Being a SAHM to school aged children must be easier than working but I imagine being a SAHM to toddlers/ pre school aged children can be stressful with no break.

lola006 · 04/04/2025 20:37

This has been so done to death. Work FT, PT or be a SAHM, whatever. I’m the later and love my life. That doesn’t mean that your friend loves hers; there can be all sorts of reasons she can’t go back to work (unsupportive partner, childcare costs, etc).

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 04/04/2025 20:37

ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 19:40

You’re right. It’s not a competition and everyone’s situation is different. But I think the frustration comes when someone keeps implying that your life is easier or that you’re somehow more ‘privileged’ because you work outside the home… while ignoring the stress, pressure, and constant juggling that comes with it.

I’m not trying to rank who’s got it worse, just saying that sometimes the narrative from SAHMs can feel a bit one-sided, especially when full-time working parents are still doing all the parenting after their workday ends.

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Lets not compete - it’s all hard. I personally couldn’t be a SAHM, I’d go stir crazy. So I wouldn’t get offended at the implication a SAHM was jealous of me working. It’s true that I do value having “me time” at work. It helps that I enjoy my job and have a good work/life balance with hybrid 2 days in/3 days home. Maybe just tell your friend “no actually, I am really struggling and it’s not a competition”

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 04/04/2025 20:38

Also you can’t presume the opinions of all SAHMs just based on one or two of your friends! Thats wild!

maybe look for some other working mum friends for balance. They are the ones I’ve bonded most with because we are in the same boat.

OliphantJones · 04/04/2025 20:40

Partridgewell · 04/04/2025 20:35

I was a SAHM for six years and now I work FT. I found being a SAHM much less stressful, but it could get boring and I felt a little out of the loop.

I do find people who are constantly harping on how difficult their lives are very irritating - what do they want - a misery medal?

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Tandora · 04/04/2025 20:41

ThejoyofNC · 04/04/2025 19:35

Oh and I suppose you're one of those people who will tell SAHMs that you do your job AND theirs, whilst outsourcing majority of your parenting.

Wow this is so out of order

myfitbitisfucked · 04/04/2025 20:41

Having done both for years I can safely say they’re both shit
hope that helps

Tandora · 04/04/2025 20:41

myfitbitisfucked · 04/04/2025 20:41

Having done both for years I can safely say they’re both shit
hope that helps

Hahahah. This!!!!

Original poster
ThatTaupeOtter · 04/04/2025 20:42

jerkchicken · 04/04/2025 20:35

Why is it so important for this person to “see” your struggles? Does it matter? It’s ironic because your title shows you clearly don’t “see” any struggles SAHMs may have.

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It’s not about needing constant validation or tallying up who struggles more, it’s about wanting mutual respect.

I do see that SAHMs have challenges and I’ve said multiple times that I respect the role and know it’s not easy. But it becomes frustrating when that understanding doesn’t go both ways, especially from someone who regularly dismisses my day-to-day reality as ‘easier’ or ‘lucky.’

It’s not about denying her struggle, it’s about asking not to have mine dismissed just because it looks different. Respect should go both ways.

OP posts:
Tbrh · 04/04/2025 20:42

myfitbitisfucked · 04/04/2025 20:41

Having done both for years I can safely say they’re both shit
hope that helps

Ha ha love it! 😆

Waterweight · 04/04/2025 20:43

"oh enough debs" "I've been telling you for years how difficult my job/life is & your so absorbed in being a stay at home mum you just gloss over it with backhanded compliments (I'd love to do what you do) & me-me-me struggles"

^ insert right name next time she starts up & change the conversation to something else

Beautifulweeds · 04/04/2025 20:43

I went back to work PT for the first couple of years so was a sahm for 2 days a week. When a baby it was so much easier, then when crawling and walking it became harder and I used to take DC out and about all the time. I would say I had more downtime at home, work was full on, stressful, barely time to go for a wee or eat so IME it was easier looking after DC. Also, it was so lovely to be able to just be a Mum and have that time together ❤️

So my opinion is, if you have a job that's difficult, spending time at home with DC is definitely easier. If your job is more relaxed and you get proper breaks, fun colleagues, then I see the positive I that. Xx

TheHateIsNotGood · 04/04/2025 20:43

The more vocal members of both camps are nominated for Top Wanker prizes as nothing like pitting women against women to further our equality is there OP...and no one gives a fuck anyway, they're just getting on with their own lives in their own way.

Most people don't feel the need to start a thread on how much 'better' they are than others and if I was as fucking brilliant and as hard working as you OP the very last thing I'd be doing was starting a thread on MN about it as I'd have far better things to do, unlike you OP.

WoodyOwl · 04/04/2025 20:44

This is a needlessly divisive thread. Different people have different jobs, all have good points and bad points. I wouldn't like to work in an abattoir, or put in 14 hour shifts in an amazon factory, I wouldn't like to be a long distance truck driver, or work as a palliative care nurse or a teacher or a dentist.... So I don't do those jobs. But I can see that some people have chosen those jobs and those jobs work well for some people.

If you don't want to be a sahp, then don't be one, but if you wouldn't knock anyone else for their job choice, don't knock a sahp.

OliphantJones · 04/04/2025 20:46

Having done neither I say they’re both really easy and you’re all lacking. I mean, you have kids to go and get the post or pour you a glass of wine. My cat simply refuses to do either so I have to do it myself.

Beautifulweeds · 04/04/2025 20:48

I assumed the sahm wasn't with school age children as you're not staying at home with DC? I may sound a bit stupid here, so does a sahm include this? Honestly, please forgive my ignorance. Xx

Londonrach1 · 04/04/2025 20:48

Depends on child and job....personally I found it easier but sadly due to needing to eat I had to work in my NHS job. Everyone is different so you can't compare.

Rosie2496 · 04/04/2025 20:48

I work FT over 4 days. My one day off a week is exhausting! Every day is exhausting. But I Take my hat off to anyone who is a SAHM. But that’s just me 🤣

Trambopoline · 04/04/2025 20:50

I am a SAHM to a toddler & a baby, it is hard. My closest friend works full time and has a baby the same age as my youngest, her life is by no means easy either and even though sometimes I do fantasise about getting to be in my car alone for an hour a day and talking to people about things that aren’t children, I don’t think her life is easier than mine at all.

MumWifeOther · 04/04/2025 20:50

Once kids are in school, being a SAHM is a privilege and one I’m very grateful for. I couldn’t imagine having to juggle FT work as well as parenting the way I do, I certainly wouldn’t be able to do all the things I am fortunate enough to do for my family AND work. Of course the more time you have at home, the more you take on so SAHM are very busy too, but its a different kind of busy.

Riaanna · 04/04/2025 20:53

I’ve done both.

honestly there really is no way to describe how dehumanising being a SAHM can be. You aren’t a person in your own right. You’re an extension of others. I loved my kids. I do love my kids. But there is nothing in this world that would make me give up work at this point. I’ve no regrets that I did it but 6 years was all I could manage.

Riaanna · 04/04/2025 20:54

oh. You don’t do it all. Because you haven’t given up your identity.

Beautifulweeds · 04/04/2025 20:54

Yes, it's the catching up on all the jobs you have to do after work rather than being able to do them during the day when you're home. I think that was what I found quite difficult but I only worked 3 days a week for the first couple of years so had 2 days at home. When I went back FT the housework on evenings and weekends were pure drudge! Xx