DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

You're pissed off at your friend and not your revolting, misogynist of 'D'P? The mind truly boggles.

If I saw those sorts of messages from a friend's fiancé, I would absolutely want her to know the content of those messages to ensure she had full clarity on the sort of person he was before marrying him.

The comment about your sister is degrading and humiliating. Is this really somebody you'd want to raise a daughter with?

So he's been crude about women you socialise with & about your sister.

Wonder what he says about you.

yuck, this last one is possibly the worst of all

What are you going to do now? Go dress shopping and make sure sister has a nice low cut dress so the men can have a gander at her breasts?

I can't imagine my wedding day, looking at my dear sister and knowing my new husband and his friends discussed her body. Just nasty.

What a prince

You’ve seen what he’s really like… he’ll just deny or minimise it anyway. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to wed someone who views even family members as a piece of meat, and thinks it’s ok to discuss it with other men.

Your fiance is the one who says crude things about other women and your sister. Be mad at him. He's the one that's perving on your sister.

Your friend has let you know what you're marrying. You are going into this with your eyes open.

Show him the screen shots and let him explain himself. I’m not defending him but it’s a group chat full of idiot men. Tell him that you’re hurt, to grow up and not speak about women like that

I’d also reply to your friend and tell her you’re showing your other half. Don’t find an excuse to snoop - this will end badly, none of this is your doing and keep the upper hand here.

Good luck!

Maybe ask for his opinion on bridesmaid dresses, see what he says

I would insist on looking at his phone if I couldn’t access the chat without him knowing and ask him what he meant by these comments, especially the one about your sister. I’d give him the shock of his life, to be honest. If I was you, he would know that I’m reconsidering the wedding.

That last comment has to be a line for you OP.

Im sorry you’re in this situation - I think you might want to have a moment to think about how much your mate has your best interests here too

Discussing women in crude terms and having group conversations about whether you would have sex with them is misogynistic. Come on.

I would 1000% be saying something. I don’t think it’s dropping your friend in it, if you are going to snoop, you have to own the consequences. (Not that I think she’s wrong for snooping). Do you even need to say it’s her?

This would be a deal breaker for me. Can you find an excuse to look at his phone and get the evidence from there so that you don’t drop your friend in it?

What do you think he'll say "one that shows off your sister's great tits please"?

You know men who claim they don't. Unless you're policing every single conversation they have you have no idea. Often it's the ones who bleat loudly and publicly about feminism and equal rights who are the worst offenders behind closed doors.

I've never snooped through DH's phone found any inappropriate messages in DH's phone, and he's very mild mannered, but I would be naive to assume he's never found other women attractive in ten years of marriage. I'm sure he's had inappropriate thoughts, possibly even about some of my friends, and maybe even vocalised them to his own friends at some point. Ridiculous to assume otherwise.

Your friend is a shit stirrer OP.

I’m going to need to come up with something, I can’t sit on this, it will eat away at me

@diddl but maybe OP can say ‘I thought you would like a low cut one’ when he gives a different opinion and see his reaction

Good thing she didn’t scroll back too far, guarantee your body/attributes/fuckability will have been picked apart by him and his mates.

I’d just confront him and say you were curious what they talk about. Because for me it would be over. I genuinely wouldn’t want to be with a man like that unless he agreed to get counselling to resolve his issues. I refuse to accept “all men are like that annd it’s just banter”. It’s just disgusting. Even your sister! Sicko 🤢

but I would be naive to assume he's never found other women attractive in ten years of marriage

There's a difference between finding attractive & feeling it necessary to comment crudely though-especially when it's people you know!

The comment about your sister just isn't acceptable at any level. Ick.

But your friend is also taking your relationship down with hers ... deliberately it looks like.

Neither relationship may come back from this.

Now you know, you can’t unknow. I don’t think you can leave it - I couldn’t - it will always be on your mind. Now you know what he really thinks about women, and how he talks about friends of yours when you are not around. Yuck.

After your recent update I'd be packing his bags.
I wouldn’t have liked the way he was talking about your friends and wouldn’t have made an excuse to go through his phone. I would have told him I know he's a swamp pig and would at the point been reconsidering the marriage.
Men with views like these rarely change, and the need to hide the views once married become redundant, because he has you. In 10 years and 3 kids times you would be here asking WTF? How do I leave?

I hope you find a peaceful solution for yourself 🏵

(Your friend is a shit stirrer BTW, likely because she's unhappy. But, you wouldn't know your P was letching on your sister without her)

Ouch. Your friend shouldn’t have put you in this position. I’m afraid I would struggle not to say something.

It’s sickening to me that a man who seemingly shows no red flags for this kind of behaviour could talk like this about women. Is it some kind of male bonding ritual?

You're mad at your friend? I'd be thanking her for showing you what he's really like!!!