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Original poster

DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

636 replies

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 16:46

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

OP posts:
socialdilemmawhattodo · 04/04/2025 19:50

Bumblebeestiltskin · 04/04/2025 17:14

I'm really shocked by the people saying leave it - I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who talks about women in such a disgusting way.

Neither could I. Your partner thought he was safe to say whatever he wanted. I have the ick and don't even know him.

Livingthelife88 · 04/04/2025 19:51

I wouldn’t. Your friend should not have been snooping; even worse sending you those messages. She is a trouble maker

People deserve their privacy. This won’t end well. I am not saying it is acceptable but you should wait for a different opportunity.

PopeJoan2 · 04/04/2025 19:52

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:32

I think she regretted sending them because not long after she told me ‘obviously don’t say anything to DP’

She is thinking of herself. She should never have sent you those messages. I know something about a close friend’s partner that I will take to my grave (something he once said about me). She may have wanted you to share her misery. If so, she is not a good friend.

crumblingschools · 04/04/2025 19:52

Some people have a really low bar both for men and themselves

em2001ily · 04/04/2025 19:52

sandyhappypeople · 04/04/2025 19:50

Why did she send them to you is the question, because she wants you to be as miserable as her probably.

Show quote history

Or she just wanted OP to know what her DP is really like? I'd want to know if I was her!

Crushed23 · 04/04/2025 19:54

I can relate to this. I’m dating a guy who has a sleazebag friend who keeps sending him screenshots of the instagram pages and dating profiles of women who he’s chasing, along with crude comments. It’s disgusting and inappropriate, and when I confronted my guy about it he downplayed it and said his friend is looking for a girlfriend and just wants advice/opinions. That’s a bollocks excuse of course, but I don’t feel like I can push it further as these are private conversations among friends. It’s naive to think men don’t discuss women in crude ways, but it’s also not a comfortable thought at all. You have my sympathy.

mydogfarts · 04/04/2025 19:54

PopeJoan2 · 04/04/2025 19:52

She is thinking of herself. She should never have sent you those messages. I know something about a close friend’s partner that I will take to my grave (something he once said about me). She may have wanted you to share her misery. If so, she is not a good friend.

Show quote history

Really. Imagine thinking "being a good friend" means keeping secrets from your friend about what sort of person their partner really is. Fucking weird morals.

Dawnchorussinging · 04/04/2025 19:56

Livingthelife88 · 04/04/2025 19:51

I wouldn’t. Your friend should not have been snooping; even worse sending you those messages. She is a trouble maker

People deserve their privacy. This won’t end well. I am not saying it is acceptable but you should wait for a different opportunity.

Edited

So the men have the disgusting conversation but as usual it's the woman who is at fault?
The friend was probably as disgusted by what she read as most of the pp on this thread are. And thought OP deserved to know what kind of man her partner really is.
But it's easier for you to lable her as a troublemaker isn't? Because so long as he keeps his misogyny private that's alright isn't it?

em2001ily · 04/04/2025 19:57

@Crushed23 Lol....why does his friend need "advice and opinions" about random Instagram thots?!

PopeJoan2 · 04/04/2025 19:57

mydogfarts · 04/04/2025 19:54

Really. Imagine thinking "being a good friend" means keeping secrets from your friend about what sort of person their partner really is. Fucking weird morals.

Show quote history

I wish my life was as black and white as yours but it isn’t it’s complex. Sometimes the ethical thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 04/04/2025 20:00

Jasmine222 · 04/04/2025 18:58

I mean, I wouldnt be impressed if my SO wrote that stuff, but I think snooping, screenshoting messages and sending them to someone with the intent of causing problems in their relationship, is even worse than writing something crude and thoughtless.

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It really isn’t.

em2001ily · 04/04/2025 20:00

PopeJoan2 · 04/04/2025 19:57

I wish my life was as black and white as yours but it isn’t it’s complex. Sometimes the ethical thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

Edited
Show quote history

Look it's just preference. You might be happy to not know whatever a partner might say in a private group chat. Other women absolutely would want to know if it's anything sleazy, whether or not you think they should know or not. Close friends know what their other friends would want.

I'd be grateful if a friend found some dirt on my partner and then let me know.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 04/04/2025 20:00

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 18:21

He leaves it on the side when he showers, so I might use that as an opportunity to look and then I have a way of approaching the subject without dropping my friend in it.

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Or you could just be truthful and your 'fried'' who deliberately threw the grenade can also face the consequences

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 20:00

*It’s naive to think men don’t discuss women in crude ways"

Men are not a homogeneous borg-like group of clones.

I know men who comment on women's bodies and looks, unprompted and big themselves up with their mates by being derogatory towards women.

I know men who don't.

sandyhappypeople · 04/04/2025 20:02

em2001ily · 04/04/2025 19:52

Or she just wanted OP to know what her DP is really like? I'd want to know if I was her!

Show quote history

But then she's asked her not to say anything to him. So the theory that she is telling OP about it for her own good is blown out of the water.. she's just a stirrer if you ask me.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 20:02

PopeJoan2 · 04/04/2025 19:57

I wish my life was as black and white as yours but it isn’t it’s complex. Sometimes the ethical thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

Edited
Show quote history

How is that ethical?

What about if the op gets hurt, shat on, betrayed etc. by him in future ...... You knew what he was like. You let that happen.

That's not ethical.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 20:04

sandyhappypeople · 04/04/2025 20:02

But then she's asked her not to say anything to him. So the theory that she is telling OP about it for her own good is blown out of the water.. she's just a stirrer if you ask me.

Show quote history

The two are not mutually exclusive.

Kinda obvious.

ConstanceFT · 04/04/2025 20:05

Crushed23 · 04/04/2025 19:54

I can relate to this. I’m dating a guy who has a sleazebag friend who keeps sending him screenshots of the instagram pages and dating profiles of women who he’s chasing, along with crude comments. It’s disgusting and inappropriate, and when I confronted my guy about it he downplayed it and said his friend is looking for a girlfriend and just wants advice/opinions. That’s a bollocks excuse of course, but I don’t feel like I can push it further as these are private conversations among friends. It’s naive to think men don’t discuss women in crude ways, but it’s also not a comfortable thought at all. You have my sympathy.

You do realise you don’t have to accept this behaviour. My ex also used the excuse of my friend if sending me the pic etc, what can I do? It is a ridiculous excuse and if they accept that behaviour; they are also encouraging that behaviour.

StrawberryDream24 · 04/04/2025 20:06

Group chats are a cesspit, including mine with my friends.

That would be a reflection of you and your friends.

Just like this is a reflection of him and his friends.

Original poster
PollyJH · 04/04/2025 20:21

My friend is pissing me off - she sent me another photo earlier which she said she ‘forgot’ to send originally (which I don’t buy). I snapped a bit and asked if that’s it or she has more saved up and she said yes that’s it.

This one, another partner asks my DP ‘is PollyJH’s sister going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding’. His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂’

That one has hurt me a bit, I can’t lie. My friend has again sworn me to secrecy but said she couldn’t keep it to herself.

OP posts:
Nosleepforthismum · 04/04/2025 20:21

Well my friends and I grew out of that sort of behaviour at around 13. We have plenty of banter now but we don’t slag off men or women or treat them as objects. I’d be appalled if my DH ever spoke about women in that way and I’d confront him immediately to watch him squirm. I’d ask if he’d find it acceptable if they were discussing his sisters or daughter.

Mumofone52 · 04/04/2025 20:25

Men say stupid and immature things to impressive their friends / make them laugh. Joking about women’s bodies doesn’t make him an actual misogynist. It’s very easy for people to say ‘dump him, he’s awful’ when they’re not the ones who love that person / lives with them etc.

Only you can decide what to do, but don’t rush into making a big decision.

crumblingschools · 04/04/2025 20:27

@Mumofone52 it really does make him a misogynist.

Reddog1 · 04/04/2025 20:30

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 20:21

My friend is pissing me off - she sent me another photo earlier which she said she ‘forgot’ to send originally (which I don’t buy). I snapped a bit and asked if that’s it or she has more saved up and she said yes that’s it.

This one, another partner asks my DP ‘is PollyJH’s sister going to be a bridesmaid at the wedding’. His reply said ‘Yes. And before one of you dirty buggers say it, I hope the dresses will be tight and low cut too 😂😂’

That one has hurt me a bit, I can’t lie. My friend has again sworn me to secrecy but said she couldn’t keep it to herself.

This has to be the last straw, surely? Imagine family events when you know he has the hots for your sister, and social events with your friend. You’ll always feel a bit on edge.

Mumofone52 · 04/04/2025 20:32

crumblingschools · 04/04/2025 20:27

@Mumofone52 it really does make him a misogynist.

A misogynist is someone who hates women. Saying I wouldn’t shag her is not hating women. Come on.