DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

Where's the line though? What's the difference between privately thinking "ooh she has great boobs" and messaging a friend in a supposedly private conversation saying "ooh she has great boobs"? Either way, he found another woman attractive - what difference does it matter if he puts it down in writing or not?

I've had private conversations with my own friends about DH being shit for not taking out the rubbish/being crap at wallpapering and perving on certain celebrities/school Dads we fancy. Would these be grounds for divorce too?

Would these be grounds for divorce too?

Well that would be up to you!

Dont snap at the messenger FFS! He is the dirty little scrote making lewd comments about your sister- absolutely vile. Your friend should be thanked, not had go at.

If you carry on this "relationship" knowing what you do, then more fool you.

It’s not just saying he finds someone attractive though is it. Saying a woman must be a shit shag because she’s good looking and single is just vile. It really is just reducing women to sex toys. And I also think it crosses the line when he was discussing the boobs of his partner’s sister. However you may have different comfort levels in a relationship, which is fine. Clearly it bothers the OP.

I am going to tell him I know about the messages. I won’t tell him how, and if that’s what he wants to focus on, then that will tell me a lot.

He can’t deny it give I have actual proof! And he doesn’t know whether I’ve got more.

For goodness sake. Don't do any ridiculous snooping yourself.

You've seen what you've seen and you don't like it so you need to speak to him. If you can't speak to your partner about stuff like this then it's not a very strong relationship.

I worked in engineering for years and was one of the few females. Blokes often said things like this but it was rarely meant in a malicious way. A very testosterone sort of way of talking. They were mostly actually lovely, very loyal to their girlfriends and often forgot i was there and listening! The women and the bitching they did was just as bad.

I'm quite impressed you've never in your life had a conversation where you've said something about someone's looks.

Who cares if your friend gets in trouble?? If she's having to snoop and look for things on a phone then clearly her relationship is over.

Just speak to your partner and discuss the way it made you feel.

Just run.
You are not even married with kids and he is flirting around.
It will get worse.

I think there is no going back now. This will eat you up if you don't confront him

It may wrll lead to other trouble but given the comment about your sister (completely unforgiveable ) ..I just think you have to show him.

It's awfyl op when you had no idea but this would be the end of the relationship for me.

I do think shopping is wrong and have said things about men to my friends I wouldn't want mu husband to hear...jokes banter etc

But comments about friends and siblings.

No !

Good luck! Sorry you’re having to deal with this ridiculous juvenile behaviour.

Perhaps because she is upset her friend doesn’t realise who her partner really is. Goodness, the good time girl mentality here is shocking.

@PollyJH your ‘friend’ is setting you up to break up the group. You will get all the flack and she is the one who snooped. I would make it clear someone has told you your DP says awful things and so ‘can he please show you the group chat to set your mind at rest’ or something. Although I’d probably just dump him.

Oh come on. Have you never made a private comment about some horrible bloke probably having a small dick? Or about secretly thinking your kid's teacher is good looking? I have, and definitely don't view men as sex toys.

He don’t play football aswell dos he ?

Agree! Friends are family are just a No go zone.
Op needs to take a decision seriously .
I have a feeling she will realise
too late .

Of course I’ve made a comment about a horrible bloke having a small dick. That’s not making him out to be a sex object is it? I’m not lusting after his penis. It’s making the link between men with huge egos having to compensate for something! I’m not reducing him to a sex object.

It’s different to me texting a friend to say that a mutual friend of ours must be a shit shag because he’s single and really hot. Or texting someone to say I hope my DP’s brother wears tight fitting trousers to a wedding! At least, I think it is different and it would cross the line for me in a relationship. Of course, you’re free to think differently.

You can't know why your friend did it, but whatever her motivation, she's made trouble between you and your partner. You know now how he talks about other women when he's with his mates, and it's really off-putting, and you can't not know it now.
In your position I think I would tell DP that you've seen these messages, and how it made you feel. If you don't then it will be an unpleasant secret you are keeping from him. Quite likely he won't tell anyone else that your friend snooped, but if he does, your friend will have to deal with the falloutt.

Don't, just don't!!!

She shouldn't have shared with you. Put it out of your mind.

I'd be furious if my husband snooped on my WhatsApp.

Her problems are not yours.

I agree with this. She sent you the images of the conversation and now she’ll have to deal with the consequences. I don’t think she can reasonably expect you not to raise it.

I wonder how many other women she has contacted with their partners chit chat?

I would like to ask those of you who say would confront their partners about it, how would you phrase it and how would you expect your partner to react? I just cant imagine the conversation. Thanks.

I think you should protect your friend and say to your partner that you were snooping on his phone and saw the conversation with your own eyes.

I worked in a male driven industry, construction, and agree with you. Had to close my ears to some of the banter which was never malicious.

I would say something like: Look, I've got something to tell you which is really hard for me say. Laura has been looking through John's phone and read some messages on his Whatsapp group. I know, she shouldn't have snooped, but she did, and she was upset about the way John talks about our women friends. And then she sent me a copy of the chat, and I read it, and some of the things you said... they really shocked me. Talking about our friends as 'rides'. Saying they are single because they are bad at sex. I hate that kind of talk.'
Then I'd wait to say how he responded. There might be some knee-jerk defensiveness at first hopefully followed by a proper conversation. If he seemed genuinely ashamed and was able to understand how disrespectful he's been, I'd see some hope for the future.

You obviously think what he said is serious so you need to get out. Leave him now before it's too late.

Don't mention the messages to him, what would be the point?