DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

I disagree.

But even if true to any extent; op now knows what her partner is like ..... And that matters.

So the means of finding out, ultimately is less important than what you've found out.

(For example, someone telling someone else their partner is a cheater because they found out their own is; doesn't change the fact that their partner is a cheater).

I hope no-one on here is bringing up their sons to think this is an acceptable way to view women (and I have never used similar expressions to talk about men)

I didn’t say it was the first time. And the comments were appalling, but it’s the ‘randomly checking’ that l have the problem with.

Do not go through your DPs phone or ask your friend to go through hers again.

What he said was disgusting but you can’t say anything with causing issues in your own relationship, as well as your friends.

Your friend was wrong to snoop and wrong to tell you about what she saw.
She sounds quite toxic tbh.

which don’t give the impression that she’s thinking of ending the relationship

She's probably not even processed this yet

And people telling her her friend is the problem, are really not helping her process this. More like rug sweeping and fingers in ears "lalala" and "all men are like that".

No, they're not, actually. He's a cretin.

Even if your friend had her own motives, she’s just saved you potentially decades of hell. If you listen properly.

Yes, especially the comment on that woman's "body like that". Yuk. I bet she's nothing special either....🙄

I have more of a problem with the way he thinks and talks about women.

You know, the important part.

(And the fact that this is unlikely in the extreme to be isolated is very relevant indeed).

I wouldn't confront him because I wouldn't want to get my friend in trouble.

But honestly, letting it slide isn't ideal. This kind of gross locker room talk is part of a wider issue and misogyny. I'd personally be rethinking the relationship, because it seems like you partner views women as sex objects and it's grim. This sort of crap goes unchecked so often, which allows men to get away with it. I don't think it's okay because it's a private chat, in the same way racism would still be wrong in a private chat.

Your friend is an AH for putting you in this position as well!

Oh good, you still have time to bin him off and find someone who isn't thoroughly unpleasant and misogynistic.

I think that's a really nasty interpretation.

I would send these to a friend who was engaged in the hope that at least she was going into the marriage with her eyes open .

Grim way to talk about women

ok so you aren't married and no kids. If this really bothers you then you could bin him off without mentioning the chat?

Agreed

ha ha snap!

Well I wouldn't raise it. I also wouldn't stay with him.

Why are you so concerned about how it will affect your friends relationship? She looked and passed it on to you so she has to own that. People have to own their behaviour, your friend for snooping and your DP for being a misogynist.

Just tell him what you know.

But if your going to have a row and then forgive him anyway, maybe there’s no point.

Absolutely. He's the type of man who's likely to make lewd comments and/or message hundreds of different women on social media.

Group chats are a cesspit, including mine with my friends. That's why they're fun.

I would not try to police your partners private conversations with his friends. Nothing to do with you.

If you think this is acceptable behaviour from men and it's something you're willing to tolerate from partners and other men in your life, that's absolutely your choice. But please don't lie to yourself and to other women that this is just what all men are like. They really aren't. My husband would not speak like this. His friends would not speak like this. My brothers, my grandfather, my uncle, would not speak like this.

Choose low quality men if you want. But you are doing yourself, and any girl or woman you might try and influence with your opinions, a huge disservice by peddling the lie that men can't be better. They can, and lots of them are.

You can really see the way he views women and men, and himself in those comments.

Not only the entitlement to assess, grade and comment on women as physical/sex objects;

"wouldn't ride her into battle" i.e. I pronounce her ugly.

"with a body like that ..." I.e. I pronounce her body to be good but she must be a headcase cause she can't keep a man.

But the "I wouldn't ride her into battle" (she's too ugly even for a functional/sacrificial role).... Is so "I'm the man, I'm so macho", depicting himself as a warrior in his analogy. With presumably his mates as his fantasy macho cohort of soldiers.

Yeah mate, you're a modern day warrior.

A big boss who sits on high and pronounces your verdict on women & their bodies and whether they're fuckable/you'd fuck them.

He's an utter wanker.

I'm really not sure that those comments are 'misogynistic'. What he said does not show a deep seated hatred or contempt for women. It's a bit of a rude thing to say but not much more than that.... not much different to 'DPs hot friend has been singel for ages, he must have a small willy' .... not kind but not overly awful, just a laugh. I'd personally be more offended if they were all discussing how much they did want to bang the other friend. It's lads, having a bit of a misguided joke in a lads chat. Let it go and move on. I think you'd be hard pushed to find any guy that doesn't turn into a bit of a knob when privately with his mates.

Such low expectations of men.

yeah its the friend who's the problem LOL. Anything to avoid holding the boys responsible for their behavior 😬

I can't stand lying, and mind games.

I couldn't not say something to my partner because tbh I would no longer feel I knew who he was.

And I don't see why OP has to sneak about making up excuses as to how she obtained this information about the side of him he keeps well hidden from her. I would just tell him her friend saw the messages. Her friend's relationship with her own partner is already in trouble anyway and if there is fall out from this don't see how it can make things much worse.

I really don't understand the pp who expect OP not to say anything. What is the point of a relationship where you are playing mind games and keeping secrets from each other even before you are married and have children? A relationship that isn't open and honest is not worth having.

Tbh though I wouldn't want to go ahead and marry a man who is looking at my friends and judging their bodies and how good they are in bed. And he will be doing this with his work colleagues, with his friends wives and partners. With all women. He is not trustworthy.

Why did she send them to you is the question, because she wants you to be as miserable as her probably.