DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

He walked in about an hour ago with a bouquet of flowers and my favourite chocolates. He said sorry again for the comments and assured me it’s not something he will do again. He says he can’t wait to marry me and thinks about our future every day.

I am prepared to draw a line under it and not give it any more headspace. My friend has nothing left to say and unless she has anything concrete, I’ve told her I don’t want to hear it.

Thank you for the replies and suggestions, it helped me feel able to bring it up last night and means it won’t be playing on my mind going forward x

Are you sure. Flowers and chocolates and you think you can draw a line under it? ime rushing to make a decision comes back to bite you.

You might have a daughter. What would you advise her?

He won’t be silly enough to do it again - I’ve been clear on the consequences, believe me!

Ahhh....the script <wistful>

If he has a stag do somewhere like Prague or Amsterdam etc he'll probably be absolutely crawling with STDs when he gets back so make sure he gets tested!

Good luck 😬

He’s more likely to go to rural Wales! It will be bloody golf centred I expect - I doubt there’ll be a female in sight for most of it.

His behaviour wasn't silly !

But you’ll never find out if he does it again will you. And in the meantime you’re planning to marry a man who wants to see your sister in a low-cut dress at your wedding. I honestly feel sorry for you OP, there are other good men out there who are so much better than him.

I personally think we should give OP the benefit of the doubt that she has made the right decision in forgiving him and trying to move forward.

I don’t disagree that his comments were appalling but at least he hasn’t doubled down and gone mental and defensive. He has apologised for his massive fuck up and hopefully won’t do it again.

ah good stuff. Hopefully all stag does he'll ever go on will also be golfing weekends!

I missed the bit about your sister. Umm.....yea.......

I wouldn't be able to get the comment about your sister out of my head. Especially on the wedding day.

I can't believe that flowers and chocolates has magically made everything better.

I’ve accepted his explanation- it is logical and he never specifically commented on my sister.

Op, yes he was a dick. You've accepted his apology, if I was you I'd stop looking here because there are a few posters who unless you line up your quackers and get a solicitor will just keep posting about how niave you are.

It isn't logical, it's just what you want to believe. He's only sorry that he got caught out.

Good luck. I just hope you don't have any daughters with him when you have children.

I second this

What a prince amongst men. 🙄

Classy 🙄

People are trying to make you think and save you from yourself. They aren't being spiteful.

You clearly don't have the greatest judgement when it comes to that.

Agreed!

Wow he knows how to get around you! But I guarantee it will be playing on your mind for the whole time you're with him...

You're an idiot, but never mind. Just make sure you name change when you come back in a year or two, or people will dig up this post and say we told you so.

Why on earth would you post something so insulting about someone you don’t know ? The comments were appalling. OP found a way to bring them up in conversation and made it clear they weren’t acceptable. He hasn’t doubled down, he’s apologised. What you’ve posted here is disgusting - even for MN.

Oh please. Both my husband and I have been together over 20 years and are both very happy and extremely successful. I just have standards.

Still doesn’t change the fact that there are some people here who are clearly projecting and for whom the only solution is to have OP break up the relationship. OP’s ‘standards’ are very much linked to whether her fiancé is genuinely sorry. Only she can know that.

That’s good coming from one of the army of posters who are quite willing to be judge, jury and executioner of someone they’ve never met !!