DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

absolutely desperate

Not desperate, but motivated.

Perhaps their motivation comes from seeing a woman being asked to pick up dinner by her carefree golfing man ..... Who's pretending he's not just got caught sleazing (or being derogatory to) her sister and acquaintances .... or that if he has, that that's nothing of significance.

The skeletons in the closet comment by his mate...... Confirms what he's like.

His mates know him.

This is not the sort of man you want to send on stag do's and lad trips etc.

It's not bitterness.

You're protecting your own low standards and misogyny.

No, they have been treated badly by men in the past and are allowing their own experiences to colour their view of this person whose only crime, as far as I can see, is sending a private message to his friends. OP has specifically said there were no issues before her 'friend' sent these screenshots. All of the speculation about him cheating on stag dos, discussing their sex life with his mates, messaging other women is just that - speculation.

Keep telling yourself that love. Your posts reek of unhappiness.

Your posts reek of someone who will settle for any man and put up with anything as long as you can keep him. Fine...you do that, but don't criticise those who have higher standards and are prepared to ditch a misogynistic creep to find happiness with a man who will treat them well,or even (gasp) remain single rather than be treated like a doormat.

You would be going into a battle without a horse agreed. I think it's best forgotten about. It's a private group chat which you aren't in.

Some people with an actual sense of perspective, instead of being twisted with bitterness, might think a 'shit man' is one who is verbally abusive, cheats, or refuses to share the housework. Not one who sends an off colour message to his friends that wasn't meant for OPs eyes in the first place.

All of those make a man a shit one, including misogynistic comments. Doesn't matter if it was meant to be private, it shows his true colours.

I didn't say anything about encouraging it.

We are human, and sometimes we rant and say stuff we don't actually mean.

No one would LIKE being spoken about in that manner, but it depends entirely on the context that it is being said. If it's just a rant and not meant in any way malicious whatsoever, then an apology will suffice.

If it was said in a manner with intent, then that's completely different.

e.g. I dealt with an child yesterday at school who was angry and said to a teacher "I hope you crash your car on the way home and die". They clearly didn't mean it and did apologise later.

Or are you saying that you you have never in your entire life ever said or written any derogatory comment about anyone else? (And this includes comments that you said even in a joking manner).

You've been shown a red flag, OP. In your shoes, I'd be watchful and re-evaluating, and really listening during conversations to what my fiance is saying and what values he's expressing. That doesn't mean LTB. It just means keep your eyes open and be sure he's who you think/hope he is.

Some people with an actual sense of perspective

Not you then, eh.

Not one who sends an off colour message

You couldn't seriously think that message is an out of character one off - when were you born?

As for "off colour" - talking about your prospective sister in law and her body in her dress - hoping it's revealing - at your prospective wedding.

Off colour?!

Talking about random female friends bodies and whether you'd fuck them or not.

And you believe you have perspective.

Lol.

I dealt with an child yesterday at school who was angry and said to a teacher "I hope you crash your car on the way home and die". They clearly didn't mean it and did apologise later.

Young children occasionally say things like that.

Young children.

This thread is mind boggling.

Or rather some posters on it are.

"Well I complain about my h not stacking the dishwasher right so .....".

Yep, great comparison.
Totally relevant.

"Well, I heard a young child sag something extreme the other day so ....."

Another great comparison.
Totally relevant.

You don't know the difference between children and adults?
They're the same, are they?
How come kids are not driving cars, doing degrees, holding down jobs, flying planes, having sex??

If this thread represents a cross section of society - it's disturbing.

*Or are you saying that you you have never in your entire life ever said or written any derogatory comment about anyone else?)

I would imagine they have but that every comment wasn't sexual. - get it?

"I wouldn't ride her ...."

"She must be crazy cause she can't keep a man, even with that body."

And the comment about his prospective sister in law wasn't derogatory, remember??

He's not derogatory about her because her body : looks are attractive...about her, his partner's sister; he's hopeful her dress will be revealing and sleazy.

So his derogatory comments are sexual

And his non derogatory comments are sexual.

And he had no boundary around his partner/wife's to be own sister.

This thread is like explaining the obvious to aliens.

being twisted with bitterness

Why would I be twisted with bitterness - I've never had and don't have a relationship with a man like that.
I had one once who behaved a little bit like that, to my face (so not even a two faced, sly, sneaky fucker like this one - he got dumped. I'm perpetually glad I left him).

So why would I be bitter?

What am I bitter about?
Please do enlighten me.

I want the same or better for the op.

You want worse for her.
So - arguably - you're the bitter & twisted one, right.

Hear hear.

You can't see the difference between a child and a grown man?

No, they have been treated badly by men in the past and are allowing their own experiences to colour their view of this person

I haven't been treated badly by men in the past, and I think he's a wrong un.

His own mates think he's a wrong un.

I'd bet loads of women are here are like me too.

Just not naive and not extremely low standard-ed.

You can't deal with that - so you have to accuse us of being bitter, and of having been abused.

this person whose only crime, as far as I can see, is sending a private message to his friends

This says everything about you.

This thread has really brought them out.

No, they have been treated badly by men in the past and are allowing their own experiences to colour their view of this person

Also - it's clearly a bit too complex for you to work out that it's because they HAVEN'T been treated badly by men in the past - that many women on here think he's abhorrent and poor partner material.

Can't you see the difference between saying something with intent and saying something due to emotions?

Regardless of whether someone is a child or an adult, it is something most humans do.

Again, if you've never in your life said or written anything unkind or derogatory about another person, then fair play. I'm not sure many can hold up their hands and say the same.

Again, if you've never in your life said or written anything unkind or derogatory about another person

Again ....were all these things sexual & sleazy???

Did they all sexually objectify people?

Ask the real question.

Oh and - again - he wasn't derogatory about the op's sister ....he was complementary; because she's a good sex object in his eyes. One he appreciates and whom he believes his friends appreciate ...as a sex object.

What emotions are involved when OP's DP is sleazing over her sister? He isn't in a high pressure or emotional situation when he is exchanging 'banter' with his mates.

It really isn't hard to not make sexual comments, especially about someone like your wife's sister. It's disgusting and there's no excuse for it.

Bloody Nora

This thread is for advice for the OP, and everyone has different views on what a line in the sand is in regard to unreasonable behaviour.

Give your advice by all means but fuck me the personal insults are very tiresome. And boring.

OP what a snarlup you've become embroiled in here. I personally think your Fiance is a bit of a dick, the remarks sound like something a crowd of 14 year olds would brag about outside the youth club. And both things can be true, your friend has admitted she was jealous of your relationship and the skeletons in the graveyard remark has maybe given her a bit of a smirk that yours isn't perfect.

To be honest I think what is concerning is his going to golf and texting as if nothing had happened. He should be talking to you and apologising for his shite remarks, he seems a bit too eager to forget about it send blame the whistle blower.

Maybe some posters should have a look on the telly threads where quite a lot of our members happily pull folk to shreds for their looks, and also give quite off colour compliments on body parts, of both men and women. It's not totally a male habit to make shite remarks.

A bit of perspective maybe, we are working from a few posts here so it's hard to know if it's immature crap banter, or a big red flag.