DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

Your friend sounds like a shit stirrer!

I would personally have no issue with the comments your DH wrote. It's in the context of male "banter" and I very much doubt there is anything malicious whatsoever behind the comments other than male ego boosting. I spent years working on all male teams and read many WhatsApp threads like this! They were actually all really lovely guys.

And you haven't even seen the full thread. Your friends BF might have just been having a bad time with his relationship so posted something and the others just replied to make him feel better. Even I've written stuff sometimes when having a man bashing thread on WhatsApp with friends - it made us feel better at the time but it was just emotional words rather than anything real.

Does your loyalty lie with your DH or your friend?

I'd be apologising to your DH. He is right - either you trust him or you don't. I'd tell him that your friend had snooped on her boyfriends phone and taken lots of photos of the messages and sent them to you.

It sounds very much to me that your friend's relationship is shit, so she's trying to make yours sound shit too so you can be single together. Otherwise she might get pushed out the group on her own.

I hope you did not reply to the message and are not cooking or getting him any dinner. Op, forget your friend. Your problem is your fiancé, and if you let him get away with just carrying on as usual, then this is your life from here on. When you eventually find out he is cheating, he will think you knew who I was. And tell you up to you if you want to stay, but he’ll fight you for your children. Then he’ll go play golf. Now is your chance to not suffer through that.

@MesmerisingMuon would you encourage sons to banter like that, would you be happy for a daughter to be spoken about like that.

My friend called me earlier, I didn’t really find out anything out new.

She said that in an argument with her partner a few months ago she told him that she wished their relationship was more like mine and DP’s. Her partner apparently laughed and said that DP has ‘more skeleton’s than a graveyard’ but wouldn’t elaborate.

That doesn’t really tell me anything and seems a response designed to belittle his partner’s argument rather than anything concrete, as he would have said if there actually was anything surely.

No I didn’t reply. I am still pissed off with him despite him owning it last night - he ruined it by what he said later in the conversation.

I would definitely explore that comment. His comments about women are probably the tip of the iceberg

But how though? There’s literally nothing to go on. As a friendship group, nearly everything we do/have done is as couples - it’s not like they are having regular lads nights out.

So who is he playing golf with?

He didn’t own it. He wouldn’t let you see the other messages.

You crack on with your bloke who has “more skeletons than a graveyard” then. You can’t say nobody warned you. Really quite tragic.

There's definitely a whole lot of projection on this thread, but it's not from that poster.

Some posters seem absolutely desperate for the OP to end her entire relationship immedietely over a vaguely offensive private message. I wonder why that may be.

Are you for real??

@namechangetheworld because some people have a higher bar, or even just a bar.

That's plain nasty, skeletons in a graveyard.

Your supposed friend has stirred up a shitstorm now. I did warn you to ignore it.

You call it having a bar, I call it desperately trying to drag everybody down into the same pit of misery you're currently residing in, much like OP's friend. The bitterness that is seeping through now it's clear OP isn't going to leave her partner over something so innocuous is comical.

Innocuous? Letching after her sister?

Because some women have standards and don’t dismiss crude, sexist messages about friends and family sent by grown men as “banter”.

Oh please. He made a private comment in a private conversation. He didn't bloody hit on her. As if you've secretly never found someone attractive that you shouldn't have.

That doesn’t really tell me anything and seems a response designed to belittle his partner’s argument rather than anything concrete, as he would have said if there actually was anything surely

No, he wouldn't.

Because that would get him in a world of shit with your partner and all their mates.

He'd be breaking the bro code if he went any further.

He just couldn't help a knee jerk response with that dry statement when being compared unfavourably to his mate & his mate's relationship ...which he knows is nothing to be compared unfavourably to.

I call it having a bar and I’m sickeningly happy with my DP, children and rescue dog. I did however spend many years deeply unhappy in awful relationships and accepting behaviour I shouldn’t have done. Only the OP can make the decision about whether or not to leave. But don’t assume the women that are disgusted by this behaviour are unhappy. I’m certainly not.

Good men do not make such comments. OP can choose to shackle herself to a misogynist if she wants, but it’s hardly surprising a lot of posters are trying to warn her against it.

I don’t understand why being a creep privately is a get out of jail free card. Should women be grateful that their partners don’t letch over their sisters and friends in public? And no, I’ve never found a member of a partner’s family attractive and then messaged a friend about hoping he wears tight fitting clothes.

I did warn you to ignore it

Ignore her partner being sleazy about her sister and commenting on which of their female friends he'd fuck or not?

Sounds like a recipe for a high quality relationship with a high quality man.

As if you've secretly never found someone attractive

It's not secret if you express it to your mates FFS.

Cause they know what men like him do to their wives and girlfriends.

Duuuuuh.

Also namechange ....... Fleas aren't getting under your bar.

You have incredibly low standards for other women.

You have to wonder why you want the op to marry and have kids with a shit man.

She could escape now, but no - you want her to walk into the cell.

Why is that?

You ask yourself about that, instead of asking why women who don't want to see a woman tied to a shit man, are expressing their views. Eh.