DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

@PollyJH you know your place. Think back over conversations, actions, expectations over the last years. He may not have used the same language towards you but what about his attitude. Him going off to golf and expecting you to shop says a lot to me (especially when you both need to have a serious chat)

They don't hate us. They are terrified that we (the superior species and they know it) will laugh at them, so they get in first with their derogatory remarks about our physical appearance. Women on the other hand are terrified that men will actually kill them!

No I obviously hadn’t read the full thread. Mumsnet threads take forever to load on my iPad so I posted anyway. On my iPhone now so I can catch up and RTFT.

Jesus op - know you’re place eh when chained to the kitchen sink. Your future is one if misery, left holding the baby whilst he sows his wild oats and leaves you to dwell on it - whilst he plays golf and goes out with the lads.

Sod that.

So he is avoiding, hoping things will blow over,more concerned about his dinner. Its not great is it op.

Is this how he usually tackles any conflict? How his parents perhaps handle any conflict? Essentially whatever issues you have in the future if you stay together are all on you to fix or put up with. He won't participate or support you. You'll be alone in all aspects of life that are hard or uninteresting to him.

That will also be the kind of father he will be. If he intentionally or unintentionally hurts his children's feelings they won't ever be able to discuss it with him and he won't ever be accountable. They will feel unsupported and not a priority. Is he deeply immature.

The initial comments are disgusting but I could probably get past them but the comments about your sister? Absolutely not! How on earth do you get past that? Gross.
The not letting you see his phone would bother me hugely too. If he’s got nothing to hide, what’s he got to worry about?
I’m not sure if your friend knows more and is trying to open your eyes, or whether she’s shit stirring by telling you but then saying not to say anything to your partner and she’s trying to drag you down with the sinking ship. You really need to speak to her.

do you really want to be with this man?
really?
forever?

I’ve asked if I can call her and I’m waiting a response. If she isn’t willing to speak then she is shit stirring as far as I’m concerned

Does that mean you are going to pretend your dp didn’t say those things?
Just because friend has relationship problems doesn’t mean your aren’t too. You have a heads up she doesn’t . Tbh they all hang around together so seems they like to be up to no good together.

You’re a fool to put your energies against your friend . Op it will be your own fault if you are stuck with no friends kids at your ankles alone while he is out sleeping a round .

This must be horrible for you. At least you’ve found out before you married him so you can walk away more easily if you decide to. Do you own a property together?

He truly seems to think women are objects and service providers.

I also don't think men who are this sleazy are all talk and decently behaved when on stag do's, lads trips etc.

More fool you to be honest. Imagine marrying a man who thinks that about your sister. Raise your bar.

If she isn’t willing to speak then she is shit stirring as far as I’m concerned

But she sent you images of his comments, did she not?

How is she shit stirring?

They're there in black and white.

Even if that's all she found, it's not shit stirring.

And you seem to be focused her her calling him your sleazy fiance - like that means she knows more - but she doesn't need to know more to call him your sleazy fiance.
He is sleazy.

Also, someone went into a couple of chats and found those comments by your partner ; it's unlikely in the extreme that that's isolated.
It's representative.

Well what a peach he is! Why can’t he go to the bloody shop after golf? He’s taking you for a fool

It's sad you think like this.
She just showed you his true colours and you are focused on saying it's her fault.
She is not to blame here
The same way you are not for talking to your dp about it.
All the men in the chat sound like dicks
And all partners need to get more self respect and call them out on it.

Imagine what a great wedding day OP would have. Walking down the aisle knowing her fiance is perving over her sister.

Seriously @PollyJH wheres your self respect woman? Ditch this idiot and be thankful you found out what he’s really like before any harm done. If you stay you are consigning yourself to misery, doubt and disrespect.

I wish there was a 'low bar' emoji

Sounds like you will probably go ahead and marry this sleazy misogynistic creep.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I would throw him.
His type play away when they get the chance.
It's just who they are.
The way the speak about women is the clue.

You will find out the hard way, a couple of children in, stuck and regretful that you went ahead and married him.

He is not a decent trustworthy man.

Any woman would be out of her mind to go ahead and marry someone like him.

Your friend probably knows more and has for a while and is now releasing evidence because it suits her.

Keep those scheenshots, change your password.

The fact he won't show you says everything.

He has told you put up or shut up.
He hasn't an ounce of respect for any woman, you included.

What a prince🙄

That poster's posts are always like this. Their username is very memorable because of it.

I can't believe a guy who's been caught out sleazing over a woman's friends and her own sister in black and white; has gone out to play golf and is now asking what she's picking up for dinner.

He truly thinks he's got you under his boot.

He truly thinks he"ll just pretend it's nothing and you'll go along with it.

No doubt he'll be making wry, humourous arrogant "caught out/hot water/close one there" comments in his group chats.

Him fucking off to play golf leaving you at home should be a premonition of what will happen when you're pregnant/have young children or otherwise need him. Your friend didn't type out misogynistic shit about your friends, your fiancé did. Your friend hasn't been imagining your sister in a tight dress and won't be perving over her at your wedding, your fiancé has and will be. How you can put your energy into entirely blaming your friend instead of respecting yourself (and your sister) by telling your fiancé to get fucked is baffling.

Plausible explanation: the reason your friend is sending you these messages at the same time as her relationship is in difficulty is because it is only now that she has gone snooping and uncovered them.

Implausible explanation: she is sending you these messages now because her own relationship is in difficulty and she is jealous of your relationship. With the man who posts sleazy messages objectifying women in group chat, won’t hand over his phone because there is worse, goes off playing golf and expects you to get dinner while you are in bits. And wants to see your sister in a tight low cut bridesmaid dress

🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔🤔

Op - you say she is shit stirring. Sorry I disagree. She sent you copies of your partners messages.

He wrote the messages.

He wrote the messages thinking you would never see them. He felt it was acceptable to write about your sister BUT only if you did not know about it. He thinks the ‘crime’ here is you being told about it, not what he wrote.

Your partner was in the basement (so to speak) perving on your sister and your friends, friend just lifted the curtain on the perving and shone a light on it. Whatever her motivation. Even if she is your worst enemy, the messages were written by him. If he had not written them there would be no light to shine.

His anger is about YOU finding out, not remorse for his choices.

Probably deserve each other if you’re blaming the friend now for how she’s delivered the message tbh. I feel sorry for the women being discussed in this way and it being dismissed as banter. I wonder what he says about you when you’re not there? Best have his tea on the table for when he gets home from golf op. Cannot believe women are still sleepwalking into these bullshit marriages in 2025.