DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

here’s the evidence your DP is a nob but you’re not allowed to say or do anything with it”

Good thing that's not what she said then, eh.

SMH.

I didn’t mean OP and her friends should stick with them.

I meant the only way her DP could come back from it in terms of salvaging any shred of dignity and showing any level of maturity.

I disagree that people can’t change. Most people mature and grow over time and particularly having made mistakes. That’s why unacceptable behaviour should be challenged. Some people can be wild in their 20s, do all sorts of stupid things, but be fabulous people in their 40s. Often, because of it.

But, I wouldn’t be sticking around to find out.

Only read op but course he’s out playing golf. Prick. I don’t care what other women say about all men being like this, decent honest men do not speak about women like this. You can be a real man and not need to reduce women to whether you would fuck them or not to other men. Boys will be boys needs to fuck right off. Talking about your sister like that is disrespectful in the extreme.

If you choose to marry this man and have dc I’d bet money you will be on here saying he goes out with the lads and is too hungover to help out after his mornings playing golf and you never get a break.

Some people can be wild in their 20s

This is not wild.

This is demonstrating fundamental values.

Looks like your ‘friend’ was trying to stir the pot by sending them to you. Why would she do that otherwise?

There is a huge issue with misogny in schools (including Primary). The usual excuses are that it is just banter and boys will be boys. Schools are doing their best to crack down on this. In Safeguarding guidance produced by the Government it is stated to not accept these excuses. Government commissioned OFSTED to do a review of child on child abuse in schools which included attitudes demonstrated by OP’s partner and his mates. It does not make pretty reading.

And here we have women excusing such behaviour as banter and it’s what men do.

Well maybe it shouldn’t be. And we as parents need not only to be telling our sons not to engage in such conversations but to teach them to call it out.

It used to be common for many workplaces to have page 3 posters/calendars on the wall. Go into a garage to get your car serviced and there would be a picture of some woman’s tits on the wall. Thank god that is becoming much less common. These attitudes to women need to be challenged not accepted

You’re shouting the messenger here

your anger and disappointment should be for your partner - a sleazy prick who thinks women are there to serve men sexually - and it wouldn’t surprise me if he thinks cheating is an ok thing to do

Tell your friend that you dont actually appreciate her shitstirring in your relationship and then being surprised that you actually acted on it rather than just snooped.

I would be seriously considering calling it all off with the wedding plans, and finding new friends

I think you’re missing the point and focusing on the messenger rather than the fact that your dp is a creep.

Better you know now that after marriage and kids.

So what if the friend is shit stirring because her relationship is on the rocks? She couldn’t shit stir if he hadn’t said what he said could she? Don’t hold women responsible for men’s poor behaviour. Maybe it’s the sister’s fault for having boobs as well ffs.

Yeah.

His sexism is also demonstrated by the comments on the woman whose body he pronounces to be good;

She could not be single because she ended relationships (and for valid reasons).
She can only be single because men didn't stick with her.

The men must have done the finishing and they must have done it because she's a head case, or words to that effect.

So, men do the finishing. Women don't.

Men would never finish with a woman with a good body, without a very good reason.
Because a good body is paramount in a woman.

(Note the "women are bodies" attitude across his comments on the "unrideable" acquaintance and the op's sister, whose bridesmaid dress he hopes will reveal her body).

Women apparently don't finish with men.

Presumably there could be nothing wrong with a man that would merit finishing with him.

I've ended several relationships because there was something "wrong" with the man. Sometimes in a row. This is not possible in his view. I must be a head case.

Imagine if you had a daughter with him? Her mates when they’re teens etc. Men like this are gross. Your friend has done you a favour regardless of her intentions.

I think you’re directing anger at the wrong person. He DID say those things, he holds those values and views.

Why is he constantly assessing whether he’d sleep with your friends/family members or not? And then needing the rest of the group to hear it? Grim.

His relationship is hanging in the balance and his off for the day playing golf? That right there op is where you are in his list of priorities. I imagine you're finding it hard to concentrate on anything else and this has really left you unsettled.

It hasn't for him. Has he even made a plan with you to talk later or reassured you that you and this matter are a priority to him?

It’s obvious to me, as an old gimmer, that you would find far worse comments if he allowed you to see his contributions to the group chat.

I would split. He doesn’t value or treasure your relationship. He’s saying take it or fuck off.

Oh, and I really doubt your friend is jealous of your relationship…

and finding new friends

What, ones who don't tell you when they see your partner sleazing over your sister????

So now you know what he's really like.

I wouldn't be able to ignore something once I'd seen.

Its difficult she sent them, but you can't unknow things.

His relationship is hanging in the balance and his off for the day playing golf?

Yeah, I thought that too.

His arrogance is something else.

But that would be because women never end relationships, only men.
If they're single and are decent looking it's because they've been umped - because there's something wrong with them.

I meant wild in the sense of criminality, selfish or drug-fuelled behaviour and lack of respect for women/people.

But, I agree. Some people don’t change. Some get even more set in their ways. With some men, the sexism never ends. So, I wouldn’t take the risk myself.

Do you mean you wish she’d never told you? And let you blithely marry this guy? While he ‘joked’ with the other men about the your sister’s sexy bridesmaid dress. Eww.

No, I’ve had one message so far which was him asking if I am going to any shops later to grab dinner.

Well there you go. Its fine for him to make sexist comments about your sister’s body, you are making a fuss about nothing while he pervs over your sister’s boobs. Can you not see how little respect he has for you?

Some people, men and women, will go along with the group. A few will challenge the group tone. Your partner could be trying to be part of the group rather than expressing strongly held views. I think I’d leave it alone but would talk about some attitudes to women separately and less directly to see what he says. Better a debate than a war.

What a prize.

He knows you too well.
He can do what he likes you will take it .
”she will never leave me “

causing trouble in the friend group . Won’t let you see his phone . Crossed a line with your sister and friends .

Do you have any plans other than to accept this ? Aim your anger to hIm not your friend