DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

It’s just funny she seems on a sabotage mission when she’s about to lose her relationship, rather than any time before given she’s going on as if this has been a longer term issue.

I’ll ask her outright what she is insinuating and if she isn’t going to be forthcoming with anything, I’ll tell her to stay out of my relationship as she’s coming across quite jealous.

Don’t say anything but spend some time stepping back and reassessing your partner before you go any further with this relationship. You may start noticing things you’d not noticed before. Definitely don’t show your hand by admitting you know about the texts.

You're a bit late, @Ilovecleaning , you obviously hadn't read the full thread or at least OP's posts. He now knows, and refuses to let her see his phone and is instead on a warpath to blame his mates partner/s.

Jesus op. Talk about shoot the messenger. Sure, she has stirred the pot a bit. However, you’re about to marry a man who is a misogynist and talks about your own sister sexually - out of context - bullshit. More fool you. He’s told you who he is. He’s willing to throw his whole relationship away because of what’s in his phone. Raise your bar or be back here in a few years when you’ve lost all your friends and family and he’s cheated.

I’d want to know. She’s done you a huge favour.

She says she did me a favour so he can’t keep hiding what he’s like.

I think this is truthful.

I think she was in an extremely tricky, difficult situation re. revealing this and didn't want the entire group turning on her, understandably.

So she tried to tell you while also trying to get you not to reveal who informed you.

But you did reveal who informed you (?) and that now that appears to be happening, with the group kicking off and her targeted as to blame (like so many posters in this thread are blaming her for men's behaviour) .
So she's pissed off and frustrated. I don't think it's entirely unreasonable.

However it was unrealistic for her to expect this not to happen.

She was between a rock and a hard place and she was never going to reveal this stuff without it becoming known who had revealed it.

rather than any time before given she’s going on as if this has been a longer term issue.

Maybe she didn't have anything in writing until she went into that group to see if she could find any evidence of her partner cheating.

If she'd told you what he was saying, or what the other guys said he was saying .... He could easily have twisted and minimised it. You could easily have been told it was exaggerated and misinterpreted. She didn't have anything irrefutable until she got to the point of looking in those chats.

It's easy to not tackle something that's bothersome/uncomfortable/not ideal - until you see stuff in black and white ...and very personal (a woman's sister).

Yes, @PollyJH , it does not matter what her motivation is. The fact is, this is who he is. Don't try to let him off the hook by calling into question her motivation. Don't backslide.

just don’t think I can bring it up without causing a lot of trouble

Do you think he'd be reluctant to cause trouble if he saw messages like that from you about his friends/acquaintances/brother?

Where do you get the jealousy? It's very clear she thinks he is cheating - and his reaction is screaming cheating to most of the rest of us in this thread.

If there was nothing to hide last night - he'd have let you see his phone before going to all his mates.

He did not.

Think on that.

You're shooting the messenger here instead of facing up to what your bloke is. Careful. Your bloke obviously didn't give a toss about causing waves. He's going to deflect and project onto her now and you're going to fall for it.

Why is your anger directed more at her than him? I'd be thanking her and ending the relationship with that disgusting man.

Raise your bar or be back here in a few years when you’ve lost all your friends and family and he’s cheated.

@Andwhoisasking has got it spot on.

You don't need all this drama. He's not the person you thought he was, the fact that other people would put it down to bantz is irrelevant, it does matter to you. Just walk away.

Less talking, more action. The moment you end this relationship all the drama and hassle will be history.

Personally, I think you were crazy to mention it to him, I really don't see how that was ever going to help.

Op this is exactly what your partner and the other men want. It turns all the focus off them and their black and white awful behavior. It's easier to make it about your friend but she is on your side. She wants you to know the truth so you have the ability to choose what you want for yourself. You partner wants to keep you in the dark. Your friend is trying to save you from a life where you worry about your partner all the time. What's he thinking/saying. Whats he doing on a Stag do. If you have a child you may very well be in a vunerable place where you need him to wipe your bum help you change your sanitary pad or change the sheets where you've bled through. All the while thinking what's he saying on the group chat about me. Possibly feeling pressure to have sex you don't want because that's what he sees women for. That's the reality of these men we see it day after day on here. Threads of women who have ignore these early signs or never had a friend show them so they stayed hidden for years. That's who you're living with a person who leads a double life and hides parts of himself on purpose from you because he knows you wouldn't like it. When caught out he blames everyone else. If you have a relationship problem in the future he will do the same. He hasn't the skills to take accountability. That's not a grown up. That's teenager behavior. Nothing you ever do will make him change. He will have to first see the issue and with mates like he has there isn't a issue in his eyes at all. You and your friend are the problem in his eyes.

Unbelievable behaviour from your DP and your friend.

@PollyJH just reply ‘I have not told anyone it was you but I needed to make it clear I did not snoop’ and leave it at that. She definitely wanted to get something into the open without being the ‘bad guy’. She can’t expect you to take the fall for that. But remember - this is about the men’s behaviour. Try not to get into a row with her (you and she can talk after you get to the bottom of this). Challenge the group behaviour and decide if you are happy with your relationship with partner.

You’re shooting the messenger because you don’t want to accept that your fiancé is a vile prick.

I've had private conversations with my own friends about DH being shit for not taking out the rubbish/being crap at wallpapering and perving on certain celebrities/school Dads we fancy

More posters who seen to be utterly incapable of processing analogous scenarios.

He didn't have a conversation with his mates criticising the op's house keeping skills.
He didn't have a conversation with his mates criticising the op's home decorating skills.
He didn't "perve" on celebrities.
He didn't even "perve" on women he sees around.

He expressed his opinions on their female friends/acquaintances, in their social group, re.

• whether he'd have sex with them,
• whether he thought they have good bodies
• why another man wouldn't appreciate their body enough to stay in a relationship with them (the woman in question must be a headcase)
• and finally he discussed his partner's own sister's body sleazily.

So ...... Why do have such difficulty establishing comparable behaviours?
And why are you pushing that difficulty onto another woman.

OP, you said upthread: don’t think I can bring it up without causing a lot of trouble.

Remember, the only person who’s caused trouble is your DP. Possibly your friend’s DP, if her suspicions are correct. And the other members of the group chat who didn’t challenge your DP’s messages.

I don’t agree with looking at people’s private stuff, including phones, papers etc. It’s a breach of trust. But, once your friend had and saw what she saw, she was a good friend to tell you. Once she’d told you, you had to speak to your DP about it.

But, kindly, IMHO you should have held off and warned your friend you were going to have to say something. And ideally your other friends whose DPs are in the group. You’ve moved so quickly you’ve blindsided them all, especially the friend who exposed the group chat, who now has to lie to her DP or come clean. It’s understandable. You were shocked and emotional.

If she’s usually a good and true friend to you, try to meet her in person this weekend. Thank her for letting you know. Apologise to her for telling your DP about the group chat when she’d asked you not to. Acknowledge how much stress this has now caused her too. But ask her to understand the stress her snooping and revelations put you under. Acknowledge that you reacted too quickly, without considering her. Offer to continue to support her through her relationship problems. Ask her to support you.

It sounds like there’s some horrible sexist, puerile and disrespectful behaviour in that group chat, and you and your friend need to stick together in dealing with it.

The only way your DP, and the entire group, can come back from this is to hold their hands up, take accountability for their behaviour (including other men in the group not challenging it), apologise to all concerned and explain what they’ve learned to take forward.

If he/they don’t. But instead (as appears) focus on the deflection of who ‘grassed’. The rationale being such messages are OK as long as they’re kept within the virtual ‘locker room’, ‘boys on tour’, ‘lads night out’, ‘bros before hoes’ male circle. And the only problem they see is if there’s a weak link in the chain. If that’s what he/they do: double down and look for someone to blame other than themselves. Then, all you women have your answer.

Hold your heads high. Set your standards high. There are plenty of much more attractive fish in the sea.

It's very clear she thinks he is cheating

I wouldn't actually say that.

I'd say it's clear she thinks he's an utter sleaze.

I don't think she's implying he's anything else, she doesn't know.

The only way your DP, and the entire group, can come back from this is to hold their hands up, take accountability for their behaviour (including other men in the group not challenging it), apologise to all concerned and explain what they’ve learned to take forward.

These guys are in their twenties at least, possibly thirties...... Their values are fixed. Their characters are fixed.

They ain't going to change.

Any appearance of change would be lip service.

Ah I see. Seemed pretty realistic. I didn’t read all the posts there, especially towards the end. I’d have thought trolling would be more fruitful if a more political/current affairs topic was involved. Although toxic masculinity is a hot topic. @

The bridesmaid dress comment was the final straw - I just had to bring it up last night.

I didn’t actually tell DP who made me aware and he didn’t attempt to guess either.

He was out first thing as he’s playing golf so I’ve got a good few hours to myself at least. I’m going to have a think and hopefully if my friend is sat on anything else she will tell me.

I don’t agree with looking at people’s private stuff, including phones, papers etc

I do.

A lot of people have been saved from misery and abuse by a bit of pertinent snooping.

A lot of people have not been saved from misery and abuse by never snooping.

The thing about sociopathic people is that they lie.
You will never ever find out the truth without snooping.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t trust your friend is being your friend. It’s all very “here’s the evidence your DP is a nob but you’re not allowed to say or do anything with it” ?! What does she actually expect? That you’re not going to say anything? I think she’s done it as she wants someone else to have problems in their relationship.
As for your DP there would be no coming back for me after this it’s just a horrible way to speak about women generally let alone my friends and family