DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

And it is notoriously not how they really feel, they just talk like that together.

Delusional.

It's underpinned by how they feel.

He isn't making up that he judges the first woman unattractive and feels he wouldn't have sex with her.

He isn't making up that he's looked at the second woman's body and judges that there must be something wrong with her because men, including him, wouldn't easily dump a woman with that body.

He isn't making up that he fancies)thinks the sister has a good body and wants to see as much of it as possible.

None of that is not how he feels.

He feels all hat.

As I said : delusional or wilfully naive.
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Women like you who are prepared to put up with it ‘because that’s just how men are’ are part of the reason why men carry on with disrespectful “banter”. We’re in 2025, it’s not ok now.

And it is notoriously not how they really feel, they just talk like that together.

Delusional.

It's underpinned by how they feel.

He isn't making up that he judges the first woman unattractive and feels he wouldn't have sex with her.

He isn't making up that he's looked at the second woman's body and judges that there must be something wrong with her because men, including him, wouldn't easily dump a woman with that body.

He isn't making up that he fancies/thinks the sister has a good body and wants to see as much of it as possible.

None of that is not how he feels.

He absolutely thinks & feels all that.

As I said : delusional or wilfully naive.
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Sorry I e accidentally posted twice.

Run for the hills OP. Do not marry a man who would make that comment about leering over your own sister on your wedding day.

It is, alas, the nature of the male sex to display their base inclinations openly, yet we, as women, must not only accept but gracefully accommodate their faults and follies. It is our duty, as the gentler sex, to bear with patience their crudeness and indiscretions, for they are but the result of their more robust nature. A woman’s dignity lies in her quiet endurance of these vices.

After all, a woman who finds herself without the steady guidance and respectable presence of a gentleman is, alas, but a fragile creature adrift in a world that offers her little protection, and she risks falling prey to the whispers and judgements of society, which would deem her lacking in both virtue and proper regard.

And for others on the group chat I daresay.

I didn't even fully catch that the sister referred to is your own sister.

So - even if we were to believe all these delusional, low standarded posters that he doesn't really think or mean what he says (Bullshit) .....and it's "only" him showing off to & bonding with his mates by objectifying women, talking about women sexually .....

Your own sister, his potential sister in law, isn't even off limits for him!!!!!!

Zero respect there (for you, your sister, your family, women; and fod that matter himself).

I have met men who I have never seen or heard talk about women like this .... contrary to the posters on the thread I don't think ALL men habitually behave like this. He's lower quality than a good portion of them. Including his partner's close female relative in his behaviour is particularly low.

I doubly think your friend was right to tell you.

She probably didn't see it or didnt forward it at first - she was obviously in a big rush/stressed trying to review the messages and get them screenshot ted etc.

Or she was reluctant to show you the comment about your sister, but then thought she really should. Especially when you looked like you're putting up with the behaviour (and does she know he's reacted defiantly and offered you to look at his messages ....which she knew he'd probably clean out).

So he's a liar as well as an asshole. Nice.

I would seriously worry about what a man who talks like this about women, including his partner's sister, and for whom is it so important to bond with other men by discussing women sexually ...would do on stag do's, lads holidays etc. etc.

People who think this is just talk and would never translate into behaviour/action - that's rarely true in my experience.

In the right circumstances "what happens in x, stays in x attitude, alcohol, coke, toxic male bonding etc etc - see what happens.

Except you won't see what happens because your friend won't have access to their messages and your partner will make very sure you can't see anything incriminating of his.

Yeah the problem is her.

Not the bloke anticipating sleazing over his partner's sister at a wedding.

Not the attached bloke talking about which of their female acquaintances he'd "ride" or not.

It wasn’t OK 30-40 years ago, believe me.

Any woman with respect for herself and other women has never put up with that shit.

And your friend is a shit stirrer.

Or she doesn't want her friend throwing herself away on a man like this.

Wonder why that is not a possibility in your interpretation of the situation..... Projection perhaps?

Anyway, there's certainly plenty of shit to "stir".

And that has absolutely nothing to do with the friend. That exists independent of the friend.

No wonder so many women are in crappy relationships with cretins, when you see some of the women posting on here.

There was a similar thread recently, a 3- or 4-part thread, (it was deleted at the OP’s request). Again, group messages in blokes’ chat (I believe it was a local football team) revealed a lot to one of the wives. But I don’t know what she decided, it’s been taken offline.

I'm sure DH wouldn't like me moaning to my friends that he's shit at loading the dishwasher, or that he bought me a rubbish Mother's Day present

Interesting analogy.

How come you didn't say;

"I'm sure my DH wouldn't like me talking to my mates about how I wouldn't fuck one of his male acquaintances cause he's too unattractive .....

..... that there must be something wrong with his other male acquaintance because "what woman would dump a man with a body like his"

...... that his brother will be acting as a best man; so yes, you certainly hope his brother will be wearing fitted trousers that show off that ass & keeps the jacket off as much as possible at the wedding so we can all appreciate the rest of him, wink wink"

How come you didn't make any comparisons that are remotely relevant or analogous to this situation?

Your dh, on becoming aware of that, would probably not "not like" you speaking like that.

He'd very likely be extremely angry, hurt, offended, disgusted, uncomfortable and probably think some things about your character and potential fidelity that would endanger your relationship.
He'd probably be very uncomfortable being around you and his brother, ongoing.

So - please do stop with the ridiculous, hugely minimising, utterly irrelevant analogies.

The friend isn’t the problem

Thing is OP every time an attractive young woman with a large chest joins his workplace or social circle, you’re going to be wondering if he’s thinking about her. As you get older, those uncomfortable thoughts will worsen and you’ll become paranoid. That’s no way to live. Honestly, throw this one back in the sea. There are better men out there.

🙄

So given what I’ve woken up to, DP clearly told his friends that someone has shown messages from their group chat, and they’ve asked their own partners to find out who which has opened a can of worms.

The friend who shared with me initially has sent me a really shitty message to say I’d agreed not to tell my DP (I didn’t actually comment on this either way) and why have I got to make my ‘sleazy fiancé’ an issue for everyone else (rich from her given her relationship issues are all I’ve heard of for months!). She says she did me a favour so he can’t keep hiding what he’s like.

I feel like there’s something she isn’t telling me, I don’t know why she has taken a massive issue with my relationship all of a sudden, it almost seems like sabotage at this point!

Lots of posters, and apparently MN, thought it was trolling.

Personally I thought it was an odd one - because much of it seemed very real. But other aspects were odd. I'm not sure what the true setup was

I have never heard women talk about men like this.

She has probably seen worse and isn’t telling you. And your fiancé IS sleazy

Yeah I think your friend knows or suspects a bit more and was trying to warn you off, especially if she knows you were planning to have a baby.

Remember OP - the friend is not the wrongun in this story.

This. Don’t shoot the messenger, don’t feel so uncomfortable and exposed with her that you are mean to her, don’t conjure ulterior motives from her, be grateful she’s shared this info with you.

So he's blaming mates partners, instead of looking at himself.

There's your answer, he has no remorse.

I think the friend is just afraid she's going to get into shit with her partner. That's all.