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Original poster

DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

636 replies

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 16:46

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

OP posts:
Never2many · 05/04/2025 04:02

Every single person will at some point have made a comment about someone else which could be deemed to be offensive.

It’s absolutely not exclusive to men to make derogatory comments about people of the opposite sex.

You only have to look at some of the comments on here about certain celebrities and why so many women wouldn’t want to shag them. And I agree with them, but those comments could equally be seen as relationship breakers in certain circles. But we justify it because “men do it all the time,”.

As for demanding he hand over his phone, and the posters saying that if he doesn’t he’s responsible and guilty, nobody should feel blackmailed into handing over their phone. My partner is completely free to look at my phone should he so wish, but if he started demanding to do so I would tell him to fuck off.

And your friend is a shit stirrer.

Ohdearieme2025 · 05/04/2025 04:12

You are being unreasonable for being with a man who thinks it's ok to say stuff like that - even worse put it in writing - and grease and slease on other women. Surely you knew he was a creepy, rude bastard before this?

Starlight7080 · 05/04/2025 04:13

Well didn't he show his true colours.
Very suspicious he didn't want you to look at his phone.
He doesn't sound like he has respect for women at all.
He is definitely a contender for married man who didn't mean to cheat in about 5 years time . Unless he suddenly starts seeing women as something other then just sex objects that deserve no respect.
But his friends all sound very similar

TheGentleOpalMember · 05/04/2025 04:25

If he was innocent he would have given you his phone. That he said no, tells you everything. Even if he gives you his phone now, he's had time to delete things.

Sorry, OP, I think you should leave him. I would. He talks like that about women, hinted that there are still other bad messages in the group chat, was thinking about how your sister looked in a tight cleavage showing dress, and is hiding his phone.

You can't trust him. I'd take him at his word and leave him. Don't reward his behaviour by staying, he will now that he can now get away with it and you will put up with it.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 05/04/2025 04:44

He's called your bluff.....so now you've got to either trust him or leave.

He doesn't believe for one second that you'll leave but feels that he will always have tbat 'see you don't trust me' card to play

Ohdearieme2025 · 05/04/2025 05:23

PollyJH · 04/04/2025 17:17

I find it disgusting but just don’t think I can bring it up without causing a lot of trouble 😐

So you're frightened of causing trouble and are thinking that you should let your boyfriend get away with being a sleazy creepy arsehole?

Doesn't bode well for any future plans. Four years is a looooooonnnggg time to be with someone without making proper future plans.

Maybe he's keeping you to cook, clean and have sex with while sizing up what's available out there.

EdithBond · 05/04/2025 05:25

Eww. I wouldn’t have children with a man like that. Not all men are.

Bringing up a son to think that’s OK. Condoning men speaking about his daughter like that.

He’s not only horribly sexist and disrespectful to your sister and friends, he sounds like a prize idiot. Why put stuff about your sister and friends in a group chat with your friends’ DPs? Very likely to get back to you. Which it has.

Don’t blame your friend. She was put into a dilemma by his actions and IMHO did the right thing telling you. And if your friend suspects her DP of cheating, could your DP have joined in with that too? To “show off”? How weak.

No rush if you cohabit, but I’d be planning to leave. And couldn’t shag him anymore. I’d be imagining he’s thinking of my sister.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 05/04/2025 06:49

Never2many · 05/04/2025 04:02

Every single person will at some point have made a comment about someone else which could be deemed to be offensive.

It’s absolutely not exclusive to men to make derogatory comments about people of the opposite sex.

You only have to look at some of the comments on here about certain celebrities and why so many women wouldn’t want to shag them. And I agree with them, but those comments could equally be seen as relationship breakers in certain circles. But we justify it because “men do it all the time,”.

As for demanding he hand over his phone, and the posters saying that if he doesn’t he’s responsible and guilty, nobody should feel blackmailed into handing over their phone. My partner is completely free to look at my phone should he so wish, but if he started demanding to do so I would tell him to fuck off.

And your friend is a shit stirrer.

I agree, but for the OP it's a big issue. Fortunately there are no children, no marriage, nothing to stop her walking away, no questions asked.

By MN standards this is a simple one - walk away. Staying with someone who's standards are dramatically different Is going to make them both miserable.

IGuessIllbetheFirst · 05/04/2025 07:00

I’ll repeat the same advice: now you know how he talks about women and that he doesn’t really respect women. You know who he is now. One day he will talk about you like that, maybe he already is and that is why he won’t show you his phone. That is not loving behaviour and I think you already know that, although I can understand it is difficult to accept when you love him for who you thought he was.

MsDogLady · 05/04/2025 07:00

@PollyJH, his lame explanation that his sordid ‘tight, low cut dress’ comment was not about your sister is hogwash. He is absolutely lusting over her, and his mates (and yours) know that. In addition, his horrid remarks about your two friends verify that he views women as objects/body parts to be rated as fuckable or not.

There are clearly some terrible things on his phone which would devastate you, but he succeeded in manipulating you to back off. He will certainly have sanitized it by now.

Stay with this slimy, untrustworthy pig at your own peril, @PollyJH. Personally, I would walk away now. You’ve been blessed with evidence of (1) his misogynistic view of women and need to please his pack (2) his perving over your sister (3) his blocking transparency of his phone, which he wouldn’t have done had there been nothing incriminating on it and (4) his shutting you down by turning the tables.

You’d be very foolish to put your future in his hands.

EsmeSusanOgg · 05/04/2025 07:03

Shitmonger · 04/04/2025 22:42

I said ‘give me your phone then so I can see’ and he said no, and that if I don’t trust him I should leave him.

Well there you go. He’s willing to torch the relationship rather than hand over his phone, which means that he knows his phone has relationship-ending material on it anyway.

Men that threaten the relationship this easily are untrustworthy and worth nothing.

This. There is worse than the chat.

CountFucula · 05/04/2025 07:04

He’s a misogynist pig. But what you’ve uncovered shows us something else… maybe they all are?

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 05/04/2025 07:10

Doesn't bode well for any future plans. Four years is a looooooonnnggg time to be with someone without making proper future plans.

Lucky they didn't or it would be harder to get out once the OP realized she didn't like his attitude to women. The last thing this relationship needs is commitment. She's had a lucky escape.

gamerchick · 05/04/2025 07:21

I asked if I looked through the group chat would I find similar comments and he said no (unconvincingly). I said ‘give me your phone then so I can see’ and he said no, and that if I don’t trust him I should leave him

That's him saying put up or shut up. I'd be telling him that everyone will be aware of what's been said soon, that they're all disgusting specimens.

The men in that chat are going to focus on who's told you and deleting stuff. There's going to be fallout from it anyway.

Ohdearieme2025 · 05/04/2025 07:23

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 05/04/2025 07:10

Doesn't bode well for any future plans. Four years is a looooooonnnggg time to be with someone without making proper future plans.

Lucky they didn't or it would be harder to get out once the OP realized she didn't like his attitude to women. The last thing this relationship needs is commitment. She's had a lucky escape.

Completely agree, sadly it seems the OP is hanging around a sleazy creep, hoping she will finally win the pick me dance.

Sunshineandblueskysalltheway · 05/04/2025 07:30

Jasmine222 · Yesterday 18:53

And some people are really taking things out of context and making a big deal about nothing, so what that he commented some crude stuff... nobody was meant to see it.

And some people have clearly had their brains removed.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 05/04/2025 07:32

It’s really disappointing how low the bar is for some of the women on this thread, they’re like the cool girls at school pretending they’re ok with being treated in a disrespectful manner by sub standard, grubby men, because they believe they get one over on other women by doing so.
No wonder misogyny is alive and flourishing if so many women accept such poor behaviour.

As for the OP, I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes, it’s a horrible situation, but I get the feeling she’s going to put up with it, which is obviously her right, and I genuinely hope he isn’t the disrespectful manchild he appears to be, but it’s not very likely.

FairyMaclary · 05/04/2025 07:32

No kids. Not married.

Your friend has done you a huge favour. Pack and go.

Its honestly not worth entering a life long commitment of kids with this man.

Then he threw it back on you and said split if you don’t trust me. If there was nothing on his phone he could have said ‘here take a look’.

He will have cleaned up his phone overnight. He’ll offer to show you today. If he’s an idiot messages etc will show in deleted items. Google how to restore deleted messages for when he presents you with it.

I say leave, cry but then throw a party. Your friend has done you a huge favour. You don’t want this type of person as a life partner. If she held back that message maybe it was because that comment about your sister is grim. I would have shown you them too, not out of spite but because I would want you to know before you end up with kids.

Imagine the alternative. 8 years time, kids, he cheats and she says (or at least thinks while you are crying and wondering how you’ll afford the kids post divorce) ‘oh he used to write really disgusting things about your sister and Mary in the group chats, it’s no surprise he cheated. He was always going on about women’s bodies and if they were ones he’d fuck’.

I would have told you and risked you saying you won’t be my friend anymore. I have to be happy with my choices and I’d tell you. If your choice is to drop me as a friend, I’d be upset but my conscience would be clear. I wouldn’t hide it and keep you in the dark to keep our friendship.

SuspiciousChipmunk · 05/04/2025 07:33

It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her.

She had no problem causing issues for you though.

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 05/04/2025 07:34

SuspiciousChipmunk · 05/04/2025 07:33

It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her.

She had no problem causing issues for you though.

The OP’s partner caused the issues, not the friend.

dunroamingfornow · 05/04/2025 07:40

He has shown you who he is. It doesn’t matter if he said those things to impress his friends or not. He said them . So now you know how he chooses to talk about women. It’s up to you if you want this in a partner or not. For me it would be the end though

valentinka31 · 05/04/2025 07:44

well I guess now it will all come out with your friend now and you may lose her for breaking her trust, and you only got predictable answers from your DP.

This was a LAD'S CHAT and he's told you the truth, they show off. This is MALE BANTER. And it is notoriously not how they really feel, they just talk like that together. I think it's called locker room humour. It's often satirised in films.

Your friend has wound you up but almost certainly to make you feel upset and insecure about your relationship.

I can see it was hard not to mention. But now imo you really should go to him and say ok sure I understand, you guys talk like idiots together so what.

And get over it. Or lose DP and is he a bad partner? Do you want to split up? He's given you a straight answer.

But if he's bad to you and you notice attitudes and comments that are awful and this just confirms it, well ok. Leave him.

RussetGold · 05/04/2025 07:52

Every single one of us on this thread will have - at some point in our lives - made a comment that we’d be ashamed to have made public. Not crude or sexist necessarily but something.

Your husband’s remarks are deeply offensive and they’d make me very uncomfortable. But it could be he was mindlessly playing to his audience, resorting to the kind of crude talk that he probably learned in school - without actually thinking about what he was saying, other than getting a laugh.

That doesn’t make it OK but it doesn’t automatically mean he actually holds those views. I’d want to talk to him and see what he has to say for himself. His first loyalty is to you and you could ask him to take it no further. If you can’t trust him to do that - well there’s your answer.

Your friend shared them with you, she can’t expect you to do nothing.

StrawberryDream24 · 05/04/2025 07:54

Men say stupid and immature things to impressive their friends / make them laugh

Not men.

A certain type of man.

SaltedPotato · 05/04/2025 07:55

I think the main problem is with the language used.
If he said "she's not my type I wouldn't want to sleep with her" and "she's a lovely looking woman but is always single, i wonder if she's too timid in the bedroom and that puts men off" Then the story would be different

As long as he's nice to women in general I couldn't get to ate up about a few comments said to close friends in a group chat.