DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

Well OP I think you did the right thing and I think in the context of those awful comments your DP gave an honest enough explanation as could be expected. If he had gotten defensive or nasty or said you were being uptight about jokes, that would be a red flag for me.
I think it’s been a scare for you and I would proceed with caution but he needs to understand any more showing off would have consequences — as what if this group ends up egging each other on stag nights or boys’ trips etc when even worse things could happen .

Your friend was wrong to snoop and wrong to send you the screen shots

It's silly banter between friends
Leave it

Dear God. This isn’t about being perfect. Nobody expects perfection in a partner. I do expect my partner not to be sending sexually suggestive and crude messages about my mates and sister to his friends. Many people on here apparently think similarly. And yes, I would have absolutely no qualms about my DP seeing my phone. He would be deeply bored 😂

I agree

YANBU but I do feel your DP is just being immature, not being particularly awful. He's suffering from real or imagined peer pressure, that's all. I don't think it's anything to get too upset about! (How old are you both, anyway?)

Marriages don’t fail because people are too easily offended. I’m glad you and your DH are happy.

He preempted his friends making lewd, crude sexual comments about your sister by making lewd, crude comments about her himself?

Really? You buy that?

He wouldn't let you look at his phone to see those chats.

Is this going to be going through your mind when you're walking up the aisle that he's checking out your sister?

Think on this one hard. This guy just basically told you his talking crudely about your family and friends to his friends isn't going to stop. 😓
🤮

@Skippydoodle would you be happy if someone said something similar about an adult child of yours

I have heard women talk like this about men many times. We do seem to have a double standard at times to be fair. It's not ok coming from a man or a woman really ...

It would be a very odd brother who would make a joke like that about his sister

You don't want to marry or have kids with a man like this surely? He sounds like a real slimeball. I'm sure if the wedding goes ahead your sister will look forward to him perving over her tits. What a catch!

he might be being genuine but the if you dont trust me leave thing wouldnt sit right

Completely agree. When you work with 100’s of men over 30 years, most men say stuff they wouldn’t say at home !

It's a guys chat group. I think your friend was wrong to send those to you. Why on earth would she cause that kind of drama, she want you to be single with her?

Absolutely but then I'm not a sexist pig.

That doesn't make me perfect, it really isn't difficult to not make sexual comments about people. It's very basic.

The fact that he's asking who's 'grassed' is significant. He wants to blame someone else. It doesn't actually matter who told you, the crux of the matter is he shouldn't have been sending such messages. He's not sorry he did it: he's angry he was caught out.

This. It speaks volumes! He cares more about his bants than your feelings. What are you going to do OP?

The old banter excuse, that’s what boys say when they get pulled up on saying things like this at girls in school. But according to many of you on here that is fine. I guess you are the mums of such boys

I agree with this. It will just create trust issues in your own relationship. Yes it's pretty shit comments but that is unfortunately how men often talk when women aren't around.

If you believe that excuse about your sister, then you’re an idiot…it doesn’t even make any sense…he ABSOLUTELY meant what he said. Your fiancé thinks of women & speaks of women like a misogynistic prick OR he is a snivelling little worm who thinks talking like that to other men makes him look big and clever. That is who he is. He just hides that part of him from you. The decision is now up to you whether or not it is a big enough deal for you to be done with him or not & what it would take for him to change if you decide to stay & work on it. Just as he sounds like he still has to own what he has done, he is currently still making excuses like a school boy, I get the impression that you too need to own what has happened & stop trying to make excuses for him, you are even looking to lay some blame at the feet of your friend who found the messages. She is a friend, who found abhorrent messages from your fiancé, some of which were about your own sister. She has done you a favour. Come on now. It’s time to open your eyes & see him for the man he really is.

Absolutely this.

He’d rather risk you binning the whole relationship than let you see what’s on his phone so very clearly there’s worse that hasn’t yet come out.

This would be game over for me. I’d be annoyed at the comments but I wouldn’t end a relationship over stupid lads’ chat. The refusal to hand over his phone though? That’s a much bigger problem and not something you should brush off.

Now you know who he is op. It’s whether you see a future with such a man? Reading that would kill my feelings stone dead. Such contempt and disrespect for women will be just underneath the surface. I personally couldn’t and wouldn’t stand for it.

There's no way this will be the only way he reveals his misogyny. No way.

You'll have overlooked it previously. You can see how many women are ignoring it even now in their responses, and insisting it's the same as moaning about how your DH loads the dishwasher. It is not, unless you choose to be blind to this stuff.

Don't be blind.

What was the banter often about? Who has "great tits"?

Oh dear @PollyJH - you will never be able to get those messages out of your head for the rest of your time with him. You will always have doubt and always wonder what other messages he has sent/will send.
How will you feel on your wedding day with your sister there?