DP’s messages in group chat - do I confront him?

[PollyJH]

Feeling a bit upset/unsure what to do currently. I have a close friend who is going through a rough time with her partner (pretty much on brink of splitting up). He, my DP and a couple of other friends’ partners have become matey over the years and are in a group chat together.

Here’s the issue. My friend has had recent suspicions that her partner is ‘playing away’, and at the suggestion of another friend, went through his phone. He was on a work call whilst it was charging in another room, so no risk of him walking in.

She didn’t find any evidence of him messaging other women, but did go through recent messages in the group chat I mentioned above.

She took photos of different exchanges and sent them to me. These involve my DP using some really inappropriate terms when discussing other women, including members of our wider friend group - two in particular that are single. We met up as a group last weekend which is likely why it was a recent discussion.

One of the two, he said he ‘wouldn’t ride her into battle’ and the other one, he said (quoted exactly) ‘she must be a shit shag because I’ve never known anyone with a body like that to be single for that long’ followed by laughing emoji’s.

I’ve literally found this out this afternoon and DP is not back from work yet. Do I say anything? It will possibly give away that my friend has been snooping on her partner and I don’t want to cause any issues for her. But at the same time,
i’m really upset about how my DP described my two friends.

"I hate that kind of talk."

"Good thing I wasn't talking like that around you then. How I speak in private with my friends is absolutely none of your concern."

I'm sure DH wouldn't like me moaning to my friends that he's shit at loading the dishwasher, or that he bought me a rubbish Mother's Day present. But funnily enough, it's absolutely none of his business.

Policing other people's private thoughts and conversations is very dangerous territory.

So many responses here just make me despair regarding internalised misogyny and all this cool girl/ boys will be boys shite
The chat is revolting
The men on it who are not calling it out have no respect for women
Misogyny is not ‘banter’, it kills.

The screen grabs are from someone else’s phone so will have identifiers - it’s always clear when it’s not your own phone - network provider icons, dark mode setting, background colours etc etc. So, this means you can show them to him and tell him you were sent them anonymously. Just don’t let him save them in his own device or he’ll be able to see who in the chat recognises the layout of the screen grabs. But yes, he’s perving over your friend and sister to other blokes. The height of disrespect.

I think this could be one of other possible red flags you sense about your DP. Really be honest with yourself: Do you feel understood, unconditionally? Does he have your back? Does he believe in you? Does he give you the benefit of the doubt? Do not ignoring these things. I did, and learned the hard way. (And still wonder if the alternative exists tbh).

Personally, if I discovered that my partner talked about women in this way, he would not be the man I think he is. I couldn't just ignore it. Maybe you could ignore it, or maybe it just would not bother you.

I’ve spoken to DP. Took the approach of saying I am aware of him making inappropriate comments in a group chat and asking what he has to say for himself. He initially denied any knowledge and then I explained what I’d seen and his face dropped.

He told me the bridesmaid comment was out of context and not made about my sister at all, but more generally he was pre empting crude comments from his friends so wanted to shut it down with a bit of ‘humour’ before they started getting on at him. He said he sees my sister as his own family and is horrified it came across in that way.

He said he can’t defend the comments about my friends and apologises for making them. I asked why he thinks that’s an acceptable way to describe women and all he could offer was that he was showing off and didn’t mean what he said.

I asked if I looked through the group chat would I find similar comments and he said no (unconvincingly). I said ‘give me your phone then so I can see’ and he said no, and that if I don’t trust him I should leave him.

He then asked how I knew what was said and who’d ‘grassed’, which I shut down and went upstairs to leave him watching tv by himself.

I don’t think that’s everything but I’m never going to know am I, so need to put up or shut up really

You don’t have to put up or shut up. You could leave him and find a man who isn’t twelve

I wouldn’t want to be with a man that viewed women like this. Constantly looking at how attractive my mates or family are, and then feeling emboldened to comment on it. He sounds like a prick. Not all men are like this, there are plenty that don’t do this.

Yep, I think you deserve to have a decent bloke by your side, tbh. I had a mediocre one by mine for a while, and it really wore me down after a while. Especially once kids come into the mix. Ask yourself: will he he a good role model for my kids? And, will I be happy if my sons copy him?

It’s probably not that group chat he’s most worried about on his phone. Don’t be surprised if he now takes his phone everywhere with him.

Also “I’ll never know… I’ll have to put up and shut up” - is the bar just on the floor? Who wants a relationship that’s just one of you without an ounce of respect and the other one with zero trust and their hands over their eyes shouting lalalala?

I'd dump the man child.

This.

It's so simple. No kids, no marriage. Just walk away.

I'm not even sure why the need to tell him, he was unlikely to take it as seriously as the OP.

Also did he really just jump to “if you don’t trust me leave me” - he’s not going to put up a fight for you for even ONE night? He’s actually just laid that on the table. That’s pretty telling isn’t it?

See this is why the 'its not all men' and 'its just banter' group get so much stick.

He says it's to humour his friends and it might be
.. at best.. worst case scenario this is what he thinks about a women. Either way he has written it and thought it.

This is why the "not all men" brigade need to start calling this behaviour out in their friends group.

I used to have an ex like this. Couldn't get past his comments. One night we were at a bar with his friends who I had met only once before. A girl walked by and his friend said " cor she would get it" friend 2 said "you'd have no chance" and friend 1 said " she wouldn't have a choice". Que laughing from all of them and my ex. My jaw hit the floor and I said to them all " so your just openly admitting you would rape her then?". They were stunned.

This sort of this really is part of a bigger problem and quite frankly I would not consider living with someone who spoke/thought like that about women.
Would he be ok with his mates talking about you like that? Or his sister? Or daughter?

Exactly this.

If you don't leave then in the future whenever you disagree he will say "if you don't trust me leave me?" Because he knows you won't

Urgh how can you ever want to shag him again.

You can do better than this pathetic immature sexist pig.

hes saying he’s easily led and influenced - imagine him on stag weekends and lads trips away.

He’s having what he thought was a private chat with a mate. Have none of you ever said inappropriate things to a girl friend in jest (knowing it was just bawdy humour between the two of you)? Get a bit of perspective.

I said ‘give me your phone then so I can see’ and he said no, and that if I don’t trust him I should leave him.

Well there you go. He’s willing to torch the relationship rather than hand over his phone, which means that he knows his phone has relationship-ending material on it anyway.

Men that threaten the relationship this easily are untrustworthy and worth nothing.

"I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who talks about women in such a disgusting way."

Exactly

My H & I say stuff like this to each other (about men & women) all the time. It’s playful, it’s humour. No wonder so many marriages fail, people take things far too seriously and are so easily offended. Sheesh!

I’m sorry - that’s not normal. You say to you husband that you wouldn’t ride another man into battle or that his good looking friend must be rubbish at sex as he’s still single. I highly doubt it.

I think most men or women would have an issue with their partner making sexually explicit comments about having sex with their sibling.

Also it’s beyond one private conversation, he dropped himself in it there it’s all the stuff incriminating enough for him to throw a strop of basically tell her to end the entire relationship rather than have a conversation with her about what else is on his phone.

I wouldn't be handing over my phone either.

All the perfect women on Mumsnet would they be happy for their partners to read ALL the posts they make?

Op, i would just sit on this for a few days. Consider staying somewhere else, or asking him to. If he decides that he’d rather end the relationship now than properly address this, then you don’t want to stay with him. You don’t have to say anything right now, take some time. He may have lashed out and be trying to work out if he can get away with an an ultimatum rather than facing his behaviour.

But isn’t that because you and your husband are doing it in front of each other, openly, both in on the humour? Surely the key difference is the OP has never seen this side to him, he doesn’t act this way with her and he’s making comments about women close to her behind her back. It’s an entirely different scenario.