To think maternity leave is supposed to be enjoyable?

[Newmumhere40]

When does that happen? Baby is currently almost 3 months, I'm sleeping 5/6 ish hours a night in 2 chunks, not sleeping during the day. Exhausted every morning. My partner is fantastic, extremely supportive.

I was so looking forward to maternity leave but I'm just feeling monotony and tiredness, sad that 'this is all I do now', change nappies and breastfeed. I get outside every day and that helps, but this feeling is just not going away. Please understand I absolutely love my baby girl, but this is a question to the Mums, does it get easier?

It sounds as though your expectations were a bit unrealistic. Having a newborn is life changing and often underestimated.
How much support do you have?

I think maternity leave is meant to be to recover from childbirth and also to look after the baby. I have never heard anyone say it's "enjoyable" - or supposed to be!

Yanbu to feel like this - being a new parent is a complete culture shock and the sleep deprivation is another level.

I found it started getting better when I made some other mum friends at classes and would join them for walks around the park so it wasnt just me and baby all day. Also I think I just wasn't very good at the tiny baby stage and found it easier as they got older.

Most of the time is hard work not enjoyable.

It’s life changing and a special time but it’s exhausting yes and how you’ve described sounds perfectly normal and what I’d expect.

can you get some more rest? And maybe make sure to chat about how you are feeling to friends or family? Do you have any other new mums you can speak too?

I would say I’m enjoying it now at 8 months and probably have been for a while. But you need friends (and more money than you get from maternity pay!) to do so in my opinion! We get out to a class or a coffee shop or both with friends and their babies everyday. I’m never at home.

The thing that made it fun for me was taking baby out and spending time with other mums in a similar situation.

It's for recovery and to look after the baby.

I found some bits enjoyable too though. I had some baby group friends and we did a few things together. I found it easier when my baby weaned and slept a bit more.

Lack of sleep is very hard.

I’m not sure it’s ’supposed’ to be enjoyable particular. It’s not a holiday after all! It’s hard work and it’s just life, some bits will be enjoyable, other bits will be rubbish. Each stage of babyhood has its own good and bad stuff.

Are you not able to sleep during day? Can your partner help you get more sleep? Some of it is probably sleep deprivation. I’d look at changing things around so you’re able to get more sleep sometimes, even if it means you go to bed early evening for a few hours. It’s not forever!

Looking after a small baby is tough! Can you go to bed earlier to get more sleep? I agree with @MoltenLasagne that meeting other mums was important for me - look into baby classes in your area.

But also I think you may need to adjust your expectations a bit.

It's not that you are unreasonable to want things to be nicer, but you are certainly being unrealistic. Being the mum of a newborn is really hard work, almost always exhausting, sometimes terrifying, often overwhelming. Of course there will be times of absolute joy but you aren't being awarded a 9-12 month "paid holiday" here, you are temporarily released from paid-employment work because the work you are needed for at home is too much to even try to balance with a job right now. If you are getting 5-6 hrs sleep in 24 (however broken) you are doing brilliantly, many new mums get less.

Yes it does get easier. It also gets harder in different ways, it's always going to be hard work but it does get to a point where the wotk feels manageable and some of it can be outsourced/delegated and you can start to find a balance you are happy with. You will be ok.

I found it that boring and depressing that I went back to work 2 days a week when DC was 3 months old (and DH had 2 days off to look after the baby). I found that the perfect compromise. And then met up with other mums on my days off.

I hit a bit of a wall at this stage of mat leave - I think because to begin with there is all the people visiting and excitement and then at around 3 months, you're just very tired if your baby doesn't sleep and your baby isn't really giving anything back at that point

For me, it got almost immediately better once my baby was smiling and laughing at me and then got better still when we sleep trained at 6m.

Other things that helped me

• putting baby in a sling and going out for a walk and listening to a podcast
• going to bed really really early - like 7:30 with the baby at times
• socialising, even if just a coffee at the weekend with a friend while DH walked the baby in the pram

It is a hard slog, only made enjoyable by having great support, friends to do things with and the resources to do 'fun' things.

Three months is still early though, so I hope it will get easier soon 💐.

About four months for me. Before four months I did go out but I didn't just do whatever I wanted. Around four months I realised how portable the baby is, and started going for long hill walks (3 hours +), meeting friends in cafes, visiting relatives, and so on. I live rurally but if you are in a town there is so much more you could do. Okay, I couldn't do a couple of my hobbies because they weren't baby-friendly and I was breastfeeding so couldn't leave them, but that's a sacrifice I expected.

I got far less sleep than you with all mine (think every 1-2 hours through the night up until they were toddlers) but I still enjoyed life. I think your body adapts to less sleep, but it may take longer than 3 months, I can't remember.

I would say that the baby stage from roughly 4-10 months is the absolute best for just doing whatever you want. After that they can be much fussier about their sleep schedule and also more wilful so you struggle a lot more in cafes, shopping and so on. So make the most of it! I know it's easier said than done, but try to start doing fun things again. Take someone with you the first time if it's daunting, to give you the confidence to do it by yourself.

I really enjoyed mat leave as I enjoyed the plodding around at home. I went for lots of lovely walks, lovely coffees etc. I just really enjoyed the time
off.
But I had good sleepers and am generally comfortable in my own company which makes a difference

Try and sleep when baby sleeps if you can. It's easier said than done though I'd usually end up doing housework when they slept as it was my only chance. My DS is 15 months now and I actually found the newborn stage easier in hindsight. Chasing after a toddler I find more tiring.

With both my children I turned a corner at around 9 months..it’s a bloody slog till then.. you’re doing a job way way harder than going out to work. Try an get a snooze when baby sleeps during the day..treat yourself x You’re doing a fantastic job..

And yes I agree that having friends in similar situation to meet up with makes a big difference, even if you don’t feel like you’re that sociable a person. I was fairly introverted before babies, but I found myself craving adult contact when I was on maternity leaves and going to groups and meeting up with some antenatal friends was a bit of a lifeline. I ended up doing a lot of groups and classes and gradually met more people who I clicked with. Key is to find people who you would get on without babies/children in the equation, as friendships based purely on having babies the same age don’t generally work out longer term.

on the bright side, at least you're not having to combine the lack of sleep with working full time - surely that's the purpose of mat leave?

The first few months are the hardest. It's all very new and different.

You say you go out most days which is good but are you seeing other adults? I enjoyed my maternity leave but it was the social side I enjoyed.

Are there friends with babies you can visit? Not necessarily just playgroups but a relaxed coffee with a friend at one of your houses where you can chat properly while your babies are there.

I used to visit my mum. It was nice to have the time to do that. I don't have so much time now.

Groups can be nice. Little ones usually like music and can join in at a young age. Perhaps baby massage. I never really made friends at groups though or chatted much. It was more about doing the activities.

It’s pretty boring sometimes, what you’re feeling sounds very normal and the repetitive routine drove me crazy with my first one, it’s like Groundhog Day for the first few months. Definitely try to meet up with other mums, go to museums, picnics, lunches etc while baby is still young enough to cart around, travel if you can, before 12 months is the easiest time to travel with babies. But also don’t have too high expectations as life with babies and toddlers is monotonous at times, no matter how much you love them, and unless you’re lucky, it will be a long time until you sleep properly again.

Same. I'm not convinced the introvert/extrovert thing is that fixed, you need different things at different times of life.

A friend of mine joked with me that she thought she’d be able to do her masters during her maternity leave - needless to say we laughed!! It’s like being a lifeguard - always on high alert but not able to actually do much.

my recommendation woukd be to take your daughter to baby classes. It’s a lovely chance to meet other mums and chat with adults. I thought the first year of motherhood was like being a fresher at uni - everyone wants to talk to you!

Oh OP, I feel for you. I feel like we are sold this big lie as a society that maternity leave is a break and easy because we aren't at work. When the reality is completely different then it feels so much worse than if we were prepared all along for it to be difficult. So much depends on the type of baby you have and it can feel even harder when those with easy breezy babies insist that it's all a stroll in the park.

Go easy on yourself! It definitely does get easier.