To think maternity leave is supposed to be enjoyable?

[Newmumhere40]

When does that happen? Baby is currently almost 3 months, I'm sleeping 5/6 ish hours a night in 2 chunks, not sleeping during the day. Exhausted every morning. My partner is fantastic, extremely supportive.

I was so looking forward to maternity leave but I'm just feeling monotony and tiredness, sad that 'this is all I do now', change nappies and breastfeed. I get outside every day and that helps, but this feeling is just not going away. Please understand I absolutely love my baby girl, but this is a question to the Mums, does it get easier?

Exactly this, I felt 'fine' up to now...managing and running on adrenaline. I feel an enormity of responsibility each morning when I see her...like how am I going to manage alone all day.

I definitely hit a wall of frustration and exhaustion at 3 months. It's really hard.

My baby is 7, almost 8 months now and it's THE BEST. He sleeps, he laughs, he plays, he's interactive BUT he's not walking yet so my days are still piss easy.

I agree. Find a local library that does a kids sing a long or a mum and baby group.
Theres always some Amanda’s but mostly they will be mums that feel the way you do.

It's definately not a holiday, like some guys think, and it was not for me. It was very, very hard with a baby screaming his lungs out all the time and me trying desperately to calm him down (he had colic). Luckily for me, it was summer, so I took every opportunity to go out with a pram. I spent whole days from May to October walking with a pram to the park and to malls, with bottles of expressed milk, eating ice-cream and reading books (he slept well outside). Before I realised, I lost a stone and became even thinner than before my pregnancy. Crazy days, I call it. But you know what? Back then, I hated it, but now I miss it. I look at my school-age kids and it's kind of sad I'll never experience it again. And you will feel like that, too. P.S. It was easier second time round. Good luck!

Also, if you are breastfeeding, 3 months is still the pits. I used to go to bed crying that I made a big mistake breastfeeding because I get no breaks. But once he hits 6 months, baby will be SO efficient. I'm so glad I stuck with breastfeeding as it's the easiest thing in the world now at 7 months.

Exactly. I felt so out of my depth - and sure I’d be doing something wrong and somehow affecting their life, being a bad mother, etc.
Probably normal thoughts for somewhat anxious mothers, who used to have our lives under control.

You will get there. Just focus on surviving now. It doesn’t have to be perfect.
And - if you can - try to nap whenever you can. Sleep really does help.
(or rather - lack of sleep really screws up our brains)

I found the first maternity leave the toughest, because it's such a massive change to your life. I've just finished my third, and that was a breeze in comparison.

With young babies, everything is a phase, so sleep will come and the enjoyment will quickly follow. I found four of five months to be a real turning point, and at six months they can sit up on their own and eat food so I could leave them with their father so I could do something else for once.

My son is now 9mo and he's a lot of fun. The early months are for muddling through. I hope you come back to this thread in four or five months just letting us know how things have turned around for you :)

All sounds pretty normal! It's a really hard grind those first few months (and plenty of times after lol!) But personally I didn't realise how hormonal I still was until one day at about 4/5mths I woke up and felt like myself again and I remember saying to my mum god I hasnt realised how unlike myself I was feeling physically/mentally before that...

When they can sit and have solid poos/less sicky it gets bit easier being out and about and also when their milk intake reduces and when they are on 1 big nap a day it's like HALLELUJAH 😅😅😅

Then you go back to work and miss them like crazy but also get a break!

3-6 was easier than 0-3 and 6-12 easier than 3-6 in some ways but with new challenges!

I wanted to stab anyone who said "they're only little for such a short time" or "just lean into it" but now I have a toddler i feel wistful seeing little babies knowing mine will never be that small again.

I found it really hard to just hunker down at the Newborn stage i needed to be put and about for my own sanity. Sling was a saviour. Local mum and baby groups (mostly free ones) or even just chatting to other mums at the park was a godsend. Now it's getting warm enough to spread a blanket under a tree and just play.

Enjoy this time before you have to worry about weaning!

And maybe you'll need to go to bed earlier some nights. Not every night, maybe try a few nights in a row til you feel a bit more rested. Then every other night?

Your body has been recovering from pregnancy and delivery. And if you're BFing that's hard work too! Are you getting enough hydration and nutrition?

I think I enjoyed it more from 4 or 5 months onwards. I was getting a bit more sleep than the early days and breastfeeding became much quicker when she had taken absolutely ages to feed in the beginning. Things got a bit more predictable and I felt more able to mange and do stuff. Getting out for food, cake and walks etc with other mums was essential. Also I had a winter baby (born in December) so spring and then summer weather made a big difference.

Having a baby is bloody hard work so it's no wonder you're not loving it. Try not to be hard on yourself or compare yourself to others who may seem to be enjoying it more.

I think I enjoyed it more from about 6 months even though sleep was still rubbish. At least the baby could interact more and play and I could make food for them.

Is your baby actually only sleeping for 5-6 hours in a 24 hour period though?

It feels at the time like they are going to be a baby forever, like you have 18 years of babyhood ahead of you. You don’t, people always say this time is short and dear god i know it doesn’t feel like it. But every day they grow a tiny bit more, and need you a tiny bit less. Until one day not long from now you’ll be able to get a full nights sleep, watch a bit of telly in the evenings. Then they’ll get into playing with toys and entertain themselves for a bit, and eventually off they go to nursery and school and the second phase of your life begins.

You are in the thick of it, it can be shit and boring and hard no matter how much you love your baby. If there’s any local mums and toddlers groups hit them up for a change of scenery. Not the £90 per term baby massage nonsense, the £2 in a church hall with tea and cake ones are the best.

Oh yeah one more thing- pregnancy leaches every vitamin and mineral from your body and your lack of energy and feeling down might be related to deficiency in iron/vit D/b12/whatever. Might be worth seeing the GP and taking a good multivitamin.

I think different people experience it differently. Have friends who hated it and were totally bored and fed up whereas I loved it. Getting outside definitely helped plus I would go to bed when baby did and so could get two big chunks of sleep some nights

Your experience is very normal! With my first, I found most of the first year really, really hard. With my second, I had a dreamy 1-2 months and 4-5 months were AWFUL as I was getting almost no sleep. She's now 7.5 months and we're having a lovely time! I'm sure it will get a bit shit again at some point =D I've found it helpful to have a piece of paper on my noticeboard with a list of drop in baby classes / church groups etc etc and then, depending on how my day is going and how I'm feeling, I can pop along to something if I want to. I found booking a block of baby classes in advance awful, because of the stress of trying to get out at a particular time. I'd also really watch out for certain mums... A few I met with first child were so mean to me and all they talked about was how easy it was and how confused they were about how difficult I was finding it... And then my husband told me one of their husbands told him his wife was crying all the time as she felt she was getting everything wrong! It took me awhile, but I've found a really lovely group of mum friends who are kind and realistic about the joys - and challenges! - of children.

My DD felt the same with her first. Just hated it. Enjoyed her baby much more once she returned to work at 4.5 months

What's the obsession with making friends with other Mums? If I was was spending all my time with a baby and craved adult company the last think I'd want is other women rambling on about their kids

I don't think people are obsessing.
I found if I wanted to feel like "me" I would seek out my current friends, but most of them were working during the day and I think it would really have benefitted me to meet with other first time Mums who knew exactly what I was experiencing for the first time. I did ask the HV if there was anyone in my village who'd just had a baby and she told there was someone but that she didn't think we'd get on. Odd. That child was most likely in DS1's class at school and I probably know the Mum and have always wondered who it was!

@Gogogo12345 As someone who had zero friends with kids, making mum friends was a lifeline. None of my friends understood the sleep deprivation, the worries, the good bits, anything. They had zero in common. They were sending me links to a girly vacation in the Caribbean for when my baby was 3 months old. I was living a completely parallel life to my friends. And frankly, I didn't give a shit about their workout routines or office gossip.

A good friend of mine came by when my baby was 4 weeks old. DH and I had gotten zero sleep as baby was screaming all night. You know what she said? Yeah, sleep deprivation is the worst, i didn't manage to go to sleep until midnight last night. LOL. I love her and we're still friends but she really didn't get it.

Friendships bounced back quickly but you really do need people to connect with and talk about your day. And also to learn things, other mums tell you about this and that baby class, or what weaning book they used etc.

@Gogogo12345 oh and also ALL my friends were working and the only times they were available were after 7pm. Not feasible when you have a small baby. Yes, I did brunches at the weekend but that's one day a week realistically, you need someone to talk to Mon - Friday too. Other women on mat leave are the only ones available!

Another reason why maternity leave should be reduced to 6 months. It's not for everyone and yes you could go back to work but it would be expensive if you don't have free childcare. I would recommend getting some childcare for a couple of afternoons a week. Get some time to yourself.

I’d honestly take the ‘when it gets more enjoyable’ timeline with a pinch of salt. I was asking the same question when mine was an infant and people would say at xyz months. I’d look forward to that and when the time came the improvement is was underwhelming (and something else exhausting would crop up). But overall I never thought those frost years were meant to be ‘enjoyable’ - it’s a slog with intermittent patches of relief/ joy here and there.
ETa: I had lots of support the first year - partner, family and paid support.

I felt exactly the same! It is monotonous and it doesn’t help when exhausted! It does get easier as they get older!

For me the meeting other mums was because I really enjoyed taking my DCs somewhere to play and having other people to chat to. I've done lockdown mat leave and that was hellish.

It does get better OP! You’re just in the trenches right now. Hormones still adjusting, sleep deprived and as a first time mum questioning everything you’re doing.

My DS would never sleep, I would have to walk him out and about in his pram twice a day as it was the only way - I just thought of a baby is tired they will sleep but quickly realised that wasn’t the case for mine. I breastfed so I was doing all the night wakings with help from DH. It was exhausting.

I said to my friends the other day that if expectant mums were told the nitty gritty reality about what it is actually like having a baby, it would probably be quite upsetting. Society pushes the narrative of it being this blissful time where you have the perfect baby. Don’t get me wrong, there are beautiful moments but it is bloody hard work.

Please be kind to yourself. It will gradually get better, there will be bigger chunks of your maternity leave where genuinely will enjoy it. The more you bathe, change nappies, get out and about the more it becomes second nature. You find your groove with stuff.

You said you don’t like to ask for help because you feel it is your job, I honestly would encourage you to ask for a bit of help. My mum would come over in the morning for an hour or take the baby for a walk. Getting a shower/popping some washing in, having a lie down by myself, just having that little bit time was so helpful

Honestly what you've described is really normal so don't feel alone. The anxiety about whether baby will cry when you're out is totally understandable, but I can promise you the sound of your baby crying won't bother or stress anyone else out as much as it does you. Think about when you've been out and seen babies crying before, has it ever really bothered you that much and have you judged the mother? Probably not! I found making a couple of good friends with babies of a similar age was a game changer. Now the weather is better even if you can meet in a park for a walk a few times a week and have a chat about how the night has been you will find it a huge support. I actually made really good friends with a couple of other mums I found on the peanut app, so you could try that too, as it helps you find people who live locally. You're doing brilliantly 🥰