Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

[kidditsonyou]

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

It's atrocious behaviour on the part of your friend if she knew the dress was damaged.

I agree with this. Not only is it a lesson for your dsd. But it’s one for you too op. Not all 16 year olds look after things. My dd is 16. She would return it in the same state lent. But some of her friends are a lot less careful with their things. It’s also normal for booze to be on offer at parties and some get very drunk. It’s pretty much guaranteed the prom dress would be ruined as well.

There is no way I would trust my 16 year old Dd with an expensive dress. Lovely girl but clumsy and parties hard. This whole scenario makes me feel stressed. The op and her friend should never have set this up.

Who packed the dress and did friend know her daughter had damaged it? I wonder if daughter squeezed into it, realised once she'd forced it on it was far too small, then had trouble getting zips undone and dress off, which could have caused the damage and stretching? Is it possible she was mortified so packaged it up without her mother seeing the damage?

Is your friend the type who would give back a dress in this condition?

I think you need to be politely and firmly on DSD's side. She did friend's daughter a kindness, only to have this thrown back in her face. I'd suggest DSD takes photos of the damage, then help her write a letter explaining why it cannot be fixed and state the price of the dress (if she put free time into getting it reduced, then the cost of dress if she hadn't haggled for it). Suggest friend sets up a payment plan and tell DSC you support her taking this action. It wasn't a kindness for her friend, it was your friend, and both mother and daughter need to acknowledge the damage they caused, apologise and pay the fee. Their financial situation is irrelevant. And tell them how upset your DSD is, and that no further loans will be offered unless cost is paid in full and they agree to a professional fitting next time.

If you are going to lend an irreplaceable dress that cost you hundreds but is worth a whole lot more you need to see for yourself that the dress fits know where it's going to be worn and that the person borrowing it is responsible enough to wear it.

It was clearly too tight but many 16 year olds aren't going to let that stop them wearing a designer dress. Her mother should have seen that it was too tight and not allow her to wear it, so I would be very pissed off, especially as it was the mother that approached you.

I understand why you feel responsible for setting it up, was your DSD in a position where it would have been difficult to say no? I think it's up to you and your friend to resolve between you.

Definitely say no to the prom dress with the exact reason why so that its clear mother and daughter know the dress was ruined.

Another one putting the blame on the kind lender. If you are going to borrow anything expensive dress you need to ensure it fits and that there’s no risk you would trash it. Most decent sensible people aren’t keen to borrow other peoples valuable items in the first place.

Why would you even ask if lending prom dress to this girl is unreasonable after she ruined a very expensive dress?
You need to tell your friend the dress is unrepairable, so she will have to purchase it.
And no more lending expensive dresses.

id want friend to cover cost of the dress. Otherwise she’s not a good friend. And definitely no more lending!!

It depends what was said when lending.

difficult to know if reasonable to demand the money for it without knowing the terms under which it was leant

I am guessing op didn't agree to receiving a damaged dress.

Oh your poor DSD. She sounds like a lovely generous girl.

She's so young. I hope that this episode has a silver lining (one that isn't damaged!) in that she learns she is allowed to stand up for herself and her own property and not be a people-pleaser when that is at her own detriment.

No she should not lend a prom dress. The girl's mother should do what we all have to do and either buy or rent one for her own daughter- not take advantage of the OP's DSD.

I actually agree with this. You should assume if someone borrows a dress, it's likely to get ruined especially something with beading. Let alone lending it to someone that's a different size. Just say no and explain why. Keep it generic if you must ... "several outfits have come back damaged" It was lovely of your DD, but unfortunately the lesson here is not to lend something if you're not ok with it being damaged/lost etc. I learn this early on with a pair of shoes!

The borrower needs to pay for the dress to be fully repaired to its original condition. If this is not possible dsd needs to be given a like for like replacement. If full RRP needs to be paid then so be it.
I cannot believe anyone is thinking otherwise!

I would start by sending a photo. Your friend might not know.

So the dress was not only returned damaged, but your friend didn't even bother to take it for dry cleaning before sending it back.

Your poor DSD. You need to take some responsibility here OP, and advocate for her by addressing this with your friend who is also responsible for her daughter ruining this dress. She should be suitably mortified and want to make it up to your DSD, either by paying for repair (though as a dressmaker, I imagine returning it to its former glory isn't an option) or financial compensation to cover the loss of this dress.

How your friend responds will tell you all you need to know about the future of your friendship.

Don’t let her lend the prom dress. If your friend asks just laugh and say ‘ absolutely not after the state the last one came back in, won’t be lending to you again without full deposit.’

Also, if possible you need to work on your daughter not being such a people pleaser and standing up for herself. She could really get taken advantage of later in life. Especially by some horrible man.

Absolutely no more lending and definitely ask for an explanation as to how the dress came back so damaged.

I might be tempted to see the friend in person with the dress, as photos might not show the scale of the damage. @kidditsonyou if she’s a good friend, invite her for coffee and show her. Explain how it has happened if she doesn’t grasp it (eg it’s been worn by someone too large for it) and ask if this was her dd or if it was lent out to someone else. And then see what you can both come up with as recompense for your DSD. Maybe friend could pay for a gift, big bouquet or something as an apology?

I can't believe she never said anything about the damage!

This.

This woman is not your friend - there is no way she didn’t know and she took the most disrespectful and cowardly approach. I hope you get a sincere apology when you send your message this morning.

I also agree with the poster who said it would help to gently support your DD in setting stronger boundaries.

Definitely stop lending any dresses to anyone other than closest family, and with an understanding of the responsibility for it. And a hard no to anything else for the CF and her 16yo.

the damage is a great excuse to stop lending stuff ever - don't take payment as that means people can borrow and pay for them if damaged (and then unwearable) - better not to lend in the first place. Just say no - there are nice cheaper dresses available. They can buy their own.

I am glad you are getting involved OP.

DSD lent the dress on the basis that because it was your friend’s DD she could trust the two of them. This has proven not to be the case, so I do think it’s on you to try and get some money from the “friend” or pay for it yourself and encourage DSD going forward to take some sort of deposit before she lends stuff out - or maybe not as previously her friends haven’t wrecked the clothing. Oh and tell friend that no prom dress is forthcoming.

I think seeing as she's a child, her mother is responsible.

Tell her she now owns the dress and can come and collect it, she owes you £X.

And I would make sure she understands how devastated your dd is. That she was so kind and is now completely devastated to have it ruined like this

This!

Contact the friend. I can't help but wonder, sadly, if if was done deliberately. Out of spiteful jealousy at your daughter's luck and fortune.