Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

[kidditsonyou]

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

It was OP's friend though so she feels responsible for this.

Wow, that is bang out of order! The dress ruiner needs a good talking to. And she may be paying you back for ages for the dress...

So DSD should take a lesson, but not the brazen teenager who picked expensive dress she couldn't fit into, forced it on breaking zips, seams and beading then wore it all night. She must have been bursting out of the dress to ruin the lining, yet she and mum apparently ignored this, returned the ruined dress and even had the cheek to ask for a prom dress!

Why should we let selfish, pushy people prey on those who are kind and struggle to say no?

It seems the mum and daughter see the kind, quiet DSD as a pushover. How horrible. In OP's position I'd call them both out on their behaviour. The 'friend' for allowing her daughter to borrow, ruin and carelessly return the dress in that state (or not telling her daughter it was too small). And the daughter should realise how despicable it is to treat the DSD this way, she should be called to account for herself, shamed for forcing the dress on then wearing it despite the material ripping (nobody could fail to notice the seams of a dress giving way when they move, but the daughter selfishly seemed to think she had a right to treat it as disposable.

And she needs to be told what a sneaky, selfish thing she did by returning it no grovelling apology and offer to pay. Otherwise she'll go through life using people, trampling on kindness, getting more selfish and intolerable the older she gets.

Ultimately the two mothers need to sort out a full reimbursement for the DSC, or she'll feel she's been punished for being kind.

OP is IMO morally responsible for paying her back in full, as she asked for a prom dress, knowing her DSD is shy and struggles with conflict. OP then failed to be there when friend's girl came to try a dress, so the girl ended up with an expensive designer dress that she refused to try on, not even prom dress!

OP please have your DSDs back in this situation, since you caused it by asking for a loan for YOUR friend. Let DSD choose who she trusts to borrow her clothes from now on, as I'm sure she doesn't usually lend designer dresses to strangers.

also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

The dress needs replacing & if your friend has to pay full price to do it then that's just too bad isn't it?

I can't believe there are so many people saying the dsd shouldn't have lent the dress.

She was being nice.
It was to a family friend
The borrower is 16 not 6

It's like saying you go on holiday and your 16 year old has there own room,lent to them for money but it's perfectly fine for the 16 year old to smash the room up.

Here a lovely young woman wants to share in the opportunity she has to wear designer clothes with her step mum's friend...and she gets shit on and people here are blaming her!

No I’m not blaming DSD, just that if she really didn’t want to lend that one, it is important for your own life to learn to protect your interests better. Take your point re saying no to DSM upfront being an option too @CarrieOnComplaining

I agree I’d have had qualms re damage and 16 yo but I’d not have expected the level of what happened…or the sneaky way it has been handled

This is such a piss take. Hurr and By Rotation often charge upwards of £50 to rent dresses. This CF pair were already taking the piss when she kindly said yes to lending them a prom dress, so they asked for a birthday dress too - thereby getting £100 of service for free. Very grabby and that’s before destroying the dress!

When the 16yr old wanted to borrow a designer dress, why wasn't she told no, that Op's stepdaughter was already doing enough, by either her own mum or Op?

This is why I don't lend out clothes to anyone. People rarely respect stuff that isn't their own. Its bizarre but for many if they didn't pay their own money and just borrow it they often just see something as 'free' or 'worthless' value wise.

I had quite quirky 'glamorous' taste and a lot of expensive often handmade unusual clothing/accessories in my teens. Every halloween/fancy dress etc... party suddenly everyone was my 'best friend' and asking to borrow my clothes.

I lent a heavily structured/boned dress (very old hollywood off the shoulder with a tiny 'snatched' waist effect) and veiled hat to a friend who was smaller than me (and I was very slim at the time). She then took it upon herself to lend the dress to someone else 5x my size. God knows how they even got it on but it was stretched/warped beyond repair and all the boning had buckled, bent and snapped, the veil was returned with rips and cigarette burns.

Lesson learned back then at just 16. I would rather buy 2 and give someone there own of something if I can than lend them my own personal one, because I know I either wont get it back or it will come back damaged.

MN teaches that if we loan money we CANNOT expect to get it repaid so consider it a gift or just say no. CF would be borrowers will huff/puff but so what!
if we lend any item (clothing/Airwrap) we should expect to have it lost/stolen/damaged and somehow it will be the lenders fault because the CF borrower has no shame.
in this case the lender should have taken pics of the item before it was loaned and immediately inspected it on return even if the CF borrowers are put out. doubt you will be able to claim anything as they will deny, deny,deny. No to any loans from now on and we should all have that as our motto unless we are able to afford the loss of property and/or money

I would be absolutely furious. And would be telling friend and friend's DD - together - calmly and clearly that they owe DSD an apology for ruining the dress. I would be asking how much they think they should pay, given it would cost hundreds to repair it?

I would be pointing out that it is absolute scummy behaviour, on their part, not to have automatically given a grovelling apology and at least asking how much to repair it.

And lastly that they had better not even THINK about ever asking for ANY favours ever again.

My DM was always arranging for me do favours for her friends and distant relatives. Including airport transfers, lending out my belongings, taking them house hunting for a whole weekend etc.
It was very very hard to say no without an outcry and it was often a very real imposition/cost/time consuming chore to me. DM got all the thanks, I was just the idiot doing the favour. It created a lot of resentment.

It's a learning curve for both you and your DSD to just say a very firm no to any future requests of the same sort. It's up to DSD who she grants these favours to. I'd be more circumspect about telling people she has access to all these lovely clothes and how discounted they are.

Is it possible to get a quote for repair? and then forward it to "the Friend" with photographs and ask for a contribution. I think your DSD is owed a repair.

I think I would send your friend pictures of the damage to the dress, and say, I'm assuming your daughter hid this damage from you when she returned it? DSD is DEVASTATED, that she didn't take care of such an obviously expensive dress, leant to her out of the goodness of her heart! It cost her £X, and is beyond repair (she has checked), so I'm afraid your daughter owes her £X. As (DD's name) is so young, DSD is prepared to accept payment in reasonable installments, but no less than £x per month. I'm sure that you will be as devastated as we are.

they are CFs. They know it and dont care. i feel for people on here when they do a favour and it turns round to do the lender no favours/costs them money.

Sorry OP. Just seen your updates, that you are going to see the friend and you've stepped in re the prom dress. As I said, its a learning curve dealing with CFs like the friend but disappointing for both you and your DSD at the same time.

Because the friend asked OP to ask her DSD to lend the dress to her daughter.
That makes it very difficult for the DSD to say no.

Deffo go round and just explain and go from there. Absolutely no more leading and if I was the mum I’d be mortified at dropping it off like that! Get a quote from a skilled dressmaker for the repair maybe?

The DSD is running a business surely she’s learnt how to say no

I think if you lend something there’s always a risk. If she had explained how expensive it was and that she needed it back in perfect condition (I know that’s obvious!) then I’d ask them for the cost to repair or rebuy; but I think maybe she should stop lending expensive things to be honest as people will wear them and this is the risk! Especially something that’s irreplaceable Xo

Please make sure she doesn’t still lend the prom dress. Natural consequences and all that!

As your daughter does social media posts, she could use this as an example of what can do wrong if a dress is lent out and comes back damaged. Not naming names though.

Wow sorry that happened to your DSD. I'd like to say I can't believe that by my DSD that lives with me breaks my sons stuff and has no shame. he then refused to let her borrow stuff and my partner said he's selfish 😪

Why are you living with your partner and his daughter when they're horrible to your son?

It's a no to the prom dress obviously, based on her treatment of this dress. I'd show your friend the damage to the dress, and ask if she'd pay a repair bill or half what it cost. See what she says. You need to stop agreeing to lend out things that do not belong to you. Hopefully you'll talk to your friend, as she is responsible for her daughter. Because she was the one asking for several dresses.

Your SD has been really badly treated but it sounds unlikely that your friend will resolve it. I’d keep the SD (who sounds really delightful) but ditch the friend (who is a user with no sense of right or wrong)!! It’s a hard lesson to learn but hopefully your lovely SD has learned something.