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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

403 replies

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:19

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

OP posts:
JitterbugFairy · 04/04/2025 12:14

Had they done the descent thing and had it dry cleaned before returning it to you? If so I'm betting they'll blame the dry cleaners for the damage.

Uricon2 · 04/04/2025 12:15

I lent a friend an antique stick pin for his wedding cravat. It transpired it had broken when being removed, only found out when they returned from honeymoon where they had spent a lot of time scouring London for a suitable replacement. They gave me a different but lovely pin of much greater monetary value (precious stone as opposed to semi precious) with many apologies and reassurances the original pin would be repaired (I refused to let them pay for this)

I was mortified that they had gone to such trouble but actually, that's the sort of thing decent people do and what friends do. It's about respect for the friendship as much as another persons property.

ArtTheClown · 04/04/2025 12:23

The girl clearly can't borrow any more dresses as she's too large for them.

Poor DSD, she sounds lovely and kind.

KittenPause · 04/04/2025 12:28

If they don’t pay for the damaged dress

I’d get DSD to name and shame them in her social media you mentioned she posts clothes on saying she will be careful who she lends dresses to in future and will in future ask for a deposit for all dresses lent out to account for damage

user1492757084 · 04/04/2025 12:37

Do not let that entitled, rude sixteen year old go on her merry way without comment. You need to tell her, to her face, that you are very disappointed that she damaged the loaned dress and that she did not apologise, nor offer any compensation.

Explain that that is the reason why your DSD will not be lending her any more dresses.

Ask what it is that your DSD needs to make the whole lending episode not leave a sour taste in her mouth. What does she feel she is owed? You and the young friend should make things right.

cestlaviecherie · 04/04/2025 12:40

kidditsonyou · 03/04/2025 21:33

Yes, I’m trying to figure out how much of the responsibility is actually on friend rather than her daughter who doesn’t work.

friend was the one who dropped the dress off and ran and she was obviously at the party so I was assuming she knows but you’re right it is possible that she doesn’t actually know the extent of the damage.

if friend wants daughter to get a job or do something to pay the costs back or she wants to do more hours or a side hustle, that's on them to figure out between them.

their finances aren't your responsibility.

you can tell them however they want to work it out is fine, you want the dress repaired.

waterrat · 04/04/2025 12:45

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think a young person should not be held responsible for such an expensive dress.

It was a mistake to lend it - the parent should not have encouraged borrowing an expensive dress (did the other mum know its worth?)

I would think it predictable that the dress might get spoilt in some way by a teenager. Lesson learnt for your daughter tbh.

JitterbugFairy · 04/04/2025 12:59

waterrat · 04/04/2025 12:45

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think a young person should not be held responsible for such an expensive dress.

It was a mistake to lend it - the parent should not have encouraged borrowing an expensive dress (did the other mum know its worth?)

I would think it predictable that the dress might get spoilt in some way by a teenager. Lesson learnt for your daughter tbh.

She's 16 years old,not a toddler.

Derbee · 04/04/2025 12:59

The levels of blame, and therefore the responsibility of making it right financially are

  1. Friend’s daughter. She borrowed an expensive dress and has damaged it
  2. Friend. Her daughter has damaged something that belongs to someone else, and she is responsible for teaching her daughter the correct way to sort things out when they go wrong.
  3. You. You asked your SD to lend clothes, and despite knowing that she’s a people pleaser, didn’t support with any boundaries (ie try the dress on, don’t lend £££ items)
  4. Step daughter. She lent an expensive item to a relatively young teenager to attend a party, and let her take it without trying on etc.

Ultimately, however the “making it right” happens, it should be sorted before it gets to person 4, even if that means you make it right or contribute, and lose the friendship with your cheeky friend and her rude daughter.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 04/04/2025 13:08

i would offer half myself to DSD and make “friend” pay the other half

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2025 13:16

How did your friends daughter know that your step daughter had lots of lovely dresses that she sometimes lends out?

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 04/04/2025 13:19

Your daughter lent the dress surely it’s her job to sort it out. I would step back from it.
Your daughter made a bad decision lending such an expensive dress to a 16-year-old that’s not on you

Thebloodynine · 04/04/2025 13:20

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 04/04/2025 13:19

Your daughter lent the dress surely it’s her job to sort it out. I would step back from it.
Your daughter made a bad decision lending such an expensive dress to a 16-year-old that’s not on you

Worst post on this thread.

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 04/04/2025 13:21

Thebloodynine · 04/04/2025 13:20

Worst post on this thread.

Show quote history

It’s just a series of facts. How can it be the worst post?

Unrealnotunrealistic · 04/04/2025 13:22

Berthatydfil · 04/04/2025 10:01

Will the prom dress fit? If this dress had been stretched and damaged by the friends dd squeezing into it, it seems to me that she probably is a bigger size or has a different body shape to dsd.

This

Thebloodynine · 04/04/2025 13:24

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 04/04/2025 13:21

It’s just a series of facts. How can it be the worst post?

Show quote history

Her step mum comes to her and asks if her friend’s daughter can have a fancy dress for an event. That’s a hard one to say no to. The OP has said she is anxious and quiet and won’t say no, which the OP knew about when she asked. She knew her step daughter, she knew she would feel pressured into say yes but still asked. Then the dress gets ruined and now… oh well, step back OP, nothing to do with you and all your step daughter’s fault for saying yes when you asked her.

Yes, sorry, you’re absolutely right. That’s exactly what OP should do. Wash her hands of the situation she created and let step daughter sort it out.

AnotherForumUser · 04/04/2025 13:24

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2025 13:16

How did your friends daughter know that your step daughter had lots of lovely dresses that she sometimes lends out?

social media-OP posted this at 8:38 am

Also to be clear I was not boasting DSD got designer clothes for cheap and advertising her lending services or pressuring DSD to give things to my friends.

DSD makes fashion content on social media and shows a lot of her wardrobe. We have similar circles and friend would have heard DSD has a lent out clothes from others. The offer to lend a prom dress happened first which the value of is a lot less, the dress DSD wore to her prom that we bought her and is not something DSD would really wear again anyway. It’s been lent out many times over the years.

Friend asked if DSD had a dress for her dds birthday on the back of prom dress offer. I assumed it would be a cheaper dress (and that friend and her dd would respect and look after the dress) but I agree it was a bad position for me to put DSD in and I should have at least been there. d would have heard DSD has a lent out clothes from others. The offer to lend a prom dress happened first which the value of is a lot less, the dress DSD wore to her prom that we bought her and is not something DSD would really wear again anyway. It’s been lent out many times over the years.

Friend asked if DSD had a dress for her dds birthday on the back of prom dress offer. I assumed it would be a cheaper dress (and that friend and her dd would respect and look after the dress) but I agree it was a bad position for me to put DSD in and I should have at least been there.

cestlaviecherie · 04/04/2025 13:25

waterrat · 04/04/2025 12:45

I'm going to go against the grain here.

I think a young person should not be held responsible for such an expensive dress.

It was a mistake to lend it - the parent should not have encouraged borrowing an expensive dress (did the other mum know its worth?)

I would think it predictable that the dress might get spoilt in some way by a teenager. Lesson learnt for your daughter tbh.

Why do you think a young person shouldn't be held responsible for their actions?

talkingheadz · 04/04/2025 13:31

I would definitely advise DSD not to lend the prom dress. With regards to the damaged dress I agree you should go round to friends and show them the damage ans see what their response is (it may be that they have no idea about the damage if they were just dropping the dress off in a bag on behalf of their daughter). I hope this is the case and that once they are aware of the damage they apologise and then offer to pay for it straight away. Fingers crossed for you OP.

JitterbugFairy · 04/04/2025 13:32

Iwanttoliveonamountain · 04/04/2025 13:21

It’s just a series of facts. How can it be the worst post?

Show quote history

To me,it sounds like the op was putting pressure on the daughter to lend the dress. The daughter,being the people pleaser in OP's words, couldn't say no. The daughter should no way be out of pocket in this.

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2025 13:34

AnotherForumUser · 04/04/2025 13:24

social media-OP posted this at 8:38 am

Also to be clear I was not boasting DSD got designer clothes for cheap and advertising her lending services or pressuring DSD to give things to my friends.

DSD makes fashion content on social media and shows a lot of her wardrobe. We have similar circles and friend would have heard DSD has a lent out clothes from others. The offer to lend a prom dress happened first which the value of is a lot less, the dress DSD wore to her prom that we bought her and is not something DSD would really wear again anyway. It’s been lent out many times over the years.

Friend asked if DSD had a dress for her dds birthday on the back of prom dress offer. I assumed it would be a cheaper dress (and that friend and her dd would respect and look after the dress) but I agree it was a bad position for me to put DSD in and I should have at least been there. d would have heard DSD has a lent out clothes from others. The offer to lend a prom dress happened first which the value of is a lot less, the dress DSD wore to her prom that we bought her and is not something DSD would really wear again anyway. It’s been lent out many times over the years.

Friend asked if DSD had a dress for her dds birthday on the back of prom dress offer. I assumed it would be a cheaper dress (and that friend and her dd would respect and look after the dress) but I agree it was a bad position for me to put DSD in and I should have at least been there.

Edited
Show quote history

I just saw, i missed that there were so many pages when I posted.

diddl · 04/04/2025 13:36

If it's stretched to the point of the zip tape ripping I would have thought ii obvious that the 16yr old is a different size & it wouldn't fit.

diddl · 04/04/2025 13:42

but I agree it was a bad position for me to put DSD in and I should have at least been there.

Yes.

If you know she doesn't like to say no & was likely to give the 16yr old carte blanche to choose, & wouldn't be able to insist it was tried on then yes, of course you should have been there.

Perhaps also you need to learn to say no to your friends rather than putting your step daughter in that position?

It sounds as if she is already generous with lending to her friends & family without being expected to loan to your friend's family!

lastminutetrip · 04/04/2025 13:42

What I’d do

Play dumb in a message to friend in some way saying “you obvs didn’t know when you dropped it off or you’d have mentioned it before” about the damage. See what she comes back with, take it from there

the next dress - say something like DSD has started renting dresses via a website and requires a deposit now as that’s what they usually do online blah blah blah

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 04/04/2025 13:43

"DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.
What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend"

I can see why you feel a bit guilty OP, because it wasn't even DSD's friend that she lent the dress to, it was your friend's daughter. Who presumably neither of you knew from Adam.

It's perfectly right that your friend & her daughter should compensate DSD for the sorry mess they've made of her special dress. I'd calmly but firmly say something like:

"To be honest we were shocked at the state the dress was in when you returned it, and surprised that you didn't mention it when you dropped it off. As you know this was a very expensive dress, a favourite of DSD's, and in hindsight of course it shouldn't have been lent out. But we are where we are. Please let me know what you intend to do to compensate DSD."

Moral of the story for you both - life's much easier when you aren't so eager to please!

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