Friends daughter(16) ruined designer dress

[kidditsonyou]

DSD (22) works around fashion so has a lot of clothes and often gets designer items at good price.

Friend asked if her daughter could borrow a dress for her 16th birthday. I asked DSD who agreed, she often lends clothes to friends and family. Dress chose and borrowed was very expensive and covered in intricate beading, DSD got it heavily reduced but still cost several hundred. DSD says she heavily pushed for daughter to try it on while she was there but she refused, was told it fit perfectly.

Dress returned today and is very damaged.
Zip tape is ripped, Inside lining is ripped and main body is very stretched and warped. Several areas of beading damaged and quite a lot of beads missing. No mention of this when dropped off.

DSD reckons is not repairable / not worth repairing because of the amount of different areas of damage. Previous plan was that DSD would also lend a prom dress.
DSD is very kind and anxious, she is not likely to kick up a fuss or demand anything but is upset. I feel responsible as the initial conversation came through me.

What’s reasonable in this situation? It’s not unreasonable to refuse lending of prom dress and also request at least the price DSD paid for the dress, is it? (Though she wouldn’t be able to get the same dress at that price again)
I know this would be a lot of money for friend

I'm really confused how this even happened. Are you thinking that the stretching/ripping was caused by the dress being too small? But how did she ruin all the beading? It sounds like she was really careless with the dress and needs to learn her lesson about respect for other people's things.

Oh, I think most people at some point just learn the lesson to NEVER lend precious things, things that are expensive or cannot be replaced. I certainly learnt that lesson a long time ago, so many stories of people not returning them, loosing them, damaging them, getting annoyed when you ask for them to be returned, having to put yourself out to go and collect them. And I never asked for compensation, never got cross, never confronted anyone, just very quietly learnt - do not lend things. Ever.

I also never borrow anything. I hate the constant nagging feeling that I will have to return it at some point. One episode that stands out very clearly is when our lovely neighbour insisted on lending me a free standing spin dryer. I did not want it. I did not want the responsibility. It was ancient. But she insisted, absolutely insisted and at the time I was too ill to resist.

It was damaged when she lent it to me. When I gave it back she said I had damaged it, and we had to have it repaired. I didn't even want it, but ended up mending it for her, for the sake of good neighbourly relations.

Your lovely kind daughter should keep her beautiful things for herself. This won't be the last ruined dress she gets back otherwise. Teach her some strategies to say no, teach her that her things are HERS and she doesn't have to lend them to make people like her. She'll be happier for it xx

The beading being damaged will be connected to the stretching. I think it might be one of these types of dresses, where the beading is done in sections, so if pulled to taught it could break a thread and therefore that section of beading is ruined.

Disagree completely. Most people would know how to treat a lent item, especially an expensive one, without having to be set rules. I’ve heard it all now. Blaming someone for being very kind and generous rather than the reckless girl who didn’t give a shit about damaging it.

This is how CF learn to be CF and cause mayhem throughout their life. This is a teachable moment for everyone concerned that there are consequences for being a selfish pos.

It's not your daughter's fault - it's not HER friend, it's yours - so it's on you to sort this out for her. Her dress has been ruined by a favour you did for a friend, so either you replace the dress for her (or make it up to her some other way) or get the friend to pay. Which, frankly, she should. And obviously don't make your daughter lend this friend or her daughter another dress. They're clearly not the same size anyway as the damage has been done by squeezing into a too-small dress.

The daughter didn't lend the dress - her stepmum lent it to her own friend's daughter. This isn't on her, it's her stepmother's responsibility to fix.

This.

What possible terms would make it OK for the borrower to damage an expensive, designer dress lent to her by her friend, @TinySaltLick?

Surely returning an item in the same condition in which it was lent is a basic expectation, and shouldn't require explicit 'terms'?

Exactly buffy. Glad some sensible posters. I hate this switching of blame to the person with the damaged property excusing the CF with increasing desperate excuses. Outrageous! You trash something belonging to someone else you pay - it really is that simple.

But thats you being a decent person. Sadly thats not always the case.

Don't let your DSD lend this woman's daughter another dress, your friend is treating her like a doormat, taking advantage of her kind, generous nature.

I'd be furious with 'friend' for letting her teenager borrow such a valuable item, allowing her to squeeze into it although the girl was clearly far too big for it if she's ruined it and stretched it out of shape. And why didn't the mother make her change out of it straight away, instead of wear it all night? They clearly had no respect for your DSD's belongings. It's obvious a delicate beaded dress will get destroyed if it's hard to put on, then worn all night when it clearly doesn't fit.

As you asked on friend's behalf for the loan, personally I'd replace the cost of the item myself then extract the money from friend later, as she's clearly not the sort of woman to pay up easily. And in future, let your DSD decide who to lend things to, maybe she was trying to please you by lending to this mother and daughter?

I would make the assumption that your friend didn't know that the dress was damaged when returned.
I would go around too as say something like 'looks like your DD had a wild night! But as you can see this has really damaged the dress and I thought you should know ' give her the space to make an apology and offer on behalf of her DD. If she doesn't, then you have to ask. I would feel awkward but, it's DSD's dress and you are advocating for her (and for what's right..)

OP, you are at fault here for putting your step daughter in that position in the first place.
It was your friend that asked you about the dress, which put DSD in a very difficult position.
You've tried to justify it by saying that you didn't know she'd lend your friend's daughter such an expensive dress, but that really isn't the point.
Of course your friend should offer to pay for the damage, but, tbh, so should you, as your DSD is now out of pocket for doing a favour for you, by lending the dress to your friend's daughter in the first place.

This was my immediate reaction, no way would I be lending an expensive dress to a 16yo. Lesson learned, no to the prom dress.

All of this said, they should absolutely have told you it was damaged and offered to pay. And that's your reason for not lending the prom dress.

Why should she set the rules when it’s comment decency to be careful when you borrow something and offer to pay for any damage? It’s a rule that doesn’t need to be said since it’s assumed.

Perfect response!

That's right, simply check the terms and conditions of the contract these two teenagers had drawn up when one asked the other if she could borrow something

I do think it's possible that the friend doesn't know how badly the dress is damaged. At 16 the girl might be too embarrassed/ashaned to have admitted it. Maybe naive, but i'd give her the benefit if the doubt initially.

If it turns out she did know, then she isn't much of a friend anyway so OP doesn't have anything to lose by asking for payment for it. Another loan is obviously a 'hell, no'

I think there's one of two scenarios happening here.

Either the "friend" genuinely didn't know the full extent of the damage and hasn't checked before handing it back-that's the best case scenario.

Or, she's fully aware of it, and has tried to blag their way out of responsibility for it by not saying anything. That puts the onus on you to disturb the peace and she'll be relying on you being kind and non-confrontational to not say anything=cheeky fucker.

As structural damage was done to the dress, and the mother was there-how did she not notice that the dress was far too tight for her? I'm going to make the assumption and say that "just slightly snug" dresses aren't going to get full structural damage from a few hours of wear. So she must have looked at her DD, squeezed into the dress and known it was far too tight, surely?

Sounds to me like the DD was determined to wear it, by hook or by crook, and sod the damage that was caused to the dress. Clearly has no respect for other people's belongings.

Refuse to lend anything else to these people-point blank-regardless of what happens here-they've already shown that they're not trustworthy.

I would approach this with an open mind. Take pictures of the damage. Advise friend that your DSD is extremely upset as the dress was a one-off and cost X, and it can't be repaired. Send it to your friend and ask if she was aware of the damage-she'll either deny all knowledge and apologise, or she'll try and fob you off with a defensive attitude.

Tell your friend that your DSD no longer feels comfortable lending anything else to her DD as the items she gets are often one-offs or limited stock- and advise that you expect her to make good towards a contribution towards the cost of the dress.

If she's a decent person, she'd offer it without being asked-and bear in mind-her financial situation isn't your burden to bear. Nor your DSD's. You can have reasonable expectations re the amount of contribution-but any decent person would look to put it right where they could.

Accidents do happen-but it seems like this was a case of utter carelessness on the part of the DD.

This

Ooof, both of the young people involved need to learn lessons - and your friend @kidditsonyou

Your DSD sounds as though she does fairly urgently need some guidance in putting people off if an outright no is too hard ‘I’ll think about that’ etc.

she got pushed around by a much younger girl - i sympathise this has always been hard for me but the earlier you start trying to limit the damage from poor boundary setting/people who push more than expected the better.

if your DF is hard up, I’d personally offer to go halves with DF for reimbursing DSD, not because it’s your fault in anyway…she also failed to be involved and parent her child properly.

DSD has a lot of dresses, lots a lot cheaper, I didn’t expect her to lend this one.
If i was there when the choosing and lending happened I would have heavily discouraged it or at least have forced her to try it on before taking it. DSD says she did make it clear how high value the dress was and push for her to try it on but she wouldn’t have been forceful.

I suspect the friend's daughter wanted the expensive dress because it was expensive. Friend & friend's daughter sound quite grasping & materialistic. And not particularly nice - to choose a very expensive dress, then damage it (I make clothes I know the kind of damage you've described just isn't fixable) and then not offer to replace it.

The person the DSD should / could have said NO to was the OP.

It was the OP who asked her if she would lend the dress.

And the OP could have made it very clear that it was OK to say no.

I would feel uncomfortable asking my DSD (if I had one) if my friend's dd could borrow one of her expensive dresses. nd in the OP's shows I would probably have said no to my friend when she asked.

It puts everyone in a difficult position and its hardly news that dress worn at a 16 yos birthday party is likely to be t risk.

Even of getting sweaty - I don't really understand this wearing of other people's clothes, but maybe that's just me.

If the OP felt obligated by her friend asking than she is ware how the DSD would feel obligated by being asked by her step mum.

The 16 yo and her Mum are primarily responsible for reimbursing the cost, followed by the OP. IMO

There is no way I would have agreed to lending a 16yr old a designer dress worth hundreds for her birthday party. It sounds like it didn’t fit and was also very delicate. My daughter’s prom dress needed a specialist cleaner to recover from her prom but at least it was her dress.
I agree with the others that this is on you too although they could have been honest about the damage it sounds like the dress was unsuitable for the intended purpose the first place.