To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

the other is a milestone event that traditionally brings family together across generations

This is the real rigidity. It doesn't matter what a wedding "traditionally" was (if you want to go there, we could talk about how it was traditionally a transactional medieval alliance with no romance in it at all). What matters is what the couple want it to be.

I've been to weddings that were multigenerational celebrations; adult-only al-night rave-ups; casual hippy-ish woodland ceremonies; and a token registry office thing followed by a slap-up meal. All of those were valid.

This

They simply don't want children there and that's absolutely fine.
Both my children's weddings were child-free. At my son's wedding my granddaughter who was 8 at the time was the only exception, it was planned that she would go because she was going to be a bridesmaid, but the information given with the invitation said no young children would be invited apart from her( there were a couple of 14/15 year olds who were invited). There weren't actually many people with children and I spoke to most of them, they were thrilled to leave their children with grandparents and have a great day and a night away.
If you can't go because of childcare then so be it, why should they alter what they want to do to suit you? Weddings with small children running around, talking in the ceremony, crying etc are so much worse than ones without, it's nothing to do with the photos, it just changes the atmosphere in a negative way in my opinion.

Is a cousin close famil6?

I would say parents, grand parents and siblings are close family.

Aunts/uncles next

Then cousins.

To me friends are just as important as siblings.

When you have an extra 10 kids that could be an extra £1000 -£2000. When some won't want to bring their kids, some kids will be a pain, and only a few like you that really want them.

Personally I'd want 10 close friends there before someone else's children.

If you can't sort childcare, go alone. If that's not possible politely decline the invite

The thing is, everyone thinks their little Hugo and Amelie are good as gold but for everyone else, they're just random annoying children. That's the reality.

You seem to be very resentful of your cousin but you must surely understand that he can't make an exception just for you? If you were a sister maybe but frankly you're just a cousin and he probably barely knows your children. Either you go or you don't, that's fine, but your cousin and his bride are not being unreasonable in planning their day the way they want it.

So your suggesting your kids are different and wouldn't be allowed to misbehave therefore an exception should be made for your DC. That would go down well with other (possibly closer as you are only a cousin ) relatives who were told it's child free.

I’m not struggling to accept their decision - I’m reflecting on how their decision feels, and whether we’re allowed to talk about the emotional impact of choices that are often framed as purely practical.

I’ve never said they should change their minds or bend their rules for me. I’ve said that, as someone who genuinely can’t make the childcare work, I feel hurt to feel excluded - especially as a close family member. That’s not entitlement, that’s just honesty.

And I don’t think family-oriented weddings have to be relics of the past. Some people still value those, and for me, being able to celebrate important life events with my family is part of what makes them meaningful.

I'm really not the one who needs a grip.

If I wanted to attend my cousin's child-free wedding, I'd simply leave the kids with my husband.

What's the problem with just doing that?

Yabu for starting mumsnet’s 45th thread of the year on this topic. Read one of those, and the first time you see some combo of ‘invite not a summons’ log off and rsvp that you will not be attending. The end.

But the part that stings for me is how firm and inflexible the ‘non-negotiable’ bit is.
I wouldn’t dream of letting my kids run riot during speeches or be disruptive but being told there’s no room for any kind of compromise just makes it feel like the vibe/aesthetic took priority over actual family being there.

This essentially translates to “Well, of course I understand, but… surely you don’t mean my children? MY children are special.”

I hate to break it to you, but virtually every parent in the world thinks their children is cleverer, or better behaved, or just plain nicer than everyone else’s children. They’re virtually all wrong too.

They want a children free wedding. Exceptions and/or flexibility means that doesn’t happen, no matter how perfectly behaved you think your children will be. You’re not even a close family member who might have grounds to think their child would be a bridesmaid or page.

Don’t go to the wedding. You will resent it - you clearly do already. But just keep the refusal simple and factual. You don’t have to make a point of being against the very concept.

There would be no point being deciding on a child free wedding and not being firm on it. Every parent would have a compelling reason why their child should be the exception, and instead of focusing on organising their day they would spend a lot of time considering requests and then changing numbers to accommodate extra children. Parents would complain if they turn up without their own children, only to find other children there. Far better that they make a decision and stick to it.

Or maybe they are prioritising other things - budget etc. It’s not always about the photos!

YANBU for not going, but YAVVBU for whining about their "selfishness" and "focus on aesthetics" so much. You sound totally self-centred. Their big day is NOT ABOUT YOU OR YOUR KIDS.

So why can't you leave them with your husband? OK, you'd rather go with the whole family, but if the options are not going at all or going alone, why not go alone? Presumably there'll be other family members there for you to socialise with?

If you really want to go, either try to get childcare, difficult though it might be, or go on your own while your husband stays at home with the kids.

If you don't want to go, don't go.

If it was a sibling getting married you might have a point, but a cousin is a more distant relative, and your children will be even more distant to them.

Weddings are expensive, they can’t be expected to invite every child too.

I assume the couple are child free themselves (because of the blanket ban on kids), and when you are child free other peoples kids can be really annoying.

Akso maybe they know parts of the wedding won’t be child friendly. I went to a wedding once where the Best Man’s speech should have come with an 18 certificate rating!

You aren’t unreasonable not to go, but you are unreasonable to think the couple are selfish. I think everybody is entitled to have what they want on their wedding day.

Our friends are having a child free wedding, they are older so many many of their friends have kids, they can’t afford a bigger venue and more seats, if you included all the. kids the price would rocket for them so it’s fair enough. They are putting celebrating with friends and family first but kids who don’t get the point and likely will be bored silly aren’t in the picture, that’s fine

And I don’t think family-oriented weddings have to be relics of the past. Some people still value those, and for me, being able to celebrate important life events with my family is part of what makes them meaningful.

The people who value traditional shit are free to do it.

The people who do not should be free to do what they want without having to run a gauntlet of maudlin nostalgia.

Their choice and some people prefer not having kids running everywhere

Are you still making this about you and your family OP you have been told no children. It's your cousins wedding, you go on your own, let your husband look after his children.
This wedding is not about you or your family. It is their choice, you have a choice too so don't pretend you don't, your childcare is your husband or partner.

The only one who sounds selfish is you.

It’s their wedding, it’s up to them if they don’t want kids there which is totally understandable, why don’t you respect that? Why do you think your wants and conveniences trump someone else’s wedding day?

The entitlement and your judgement towards them wanting a “Pinterest aesthetic” is really quite unpleasant, maybe do them a favour and decline.

Given your responses on here, OP, I think it's best that you don't attend. You've been very unpleasant about your cousin.

You've accused her and her partner of prioritising photos over family, of wanting a Pintrest wedding, of being shallow, of being controlling, of being hurtful and being rigid.

And also that you want to boycott in principle because you don't think they should be allowed to have the kind of wedding they want, because you might find childcare a bind.

Also that your husband could stay with the children and you attend, but you don't want that either. But it's THEM you you say are being rigid and unyielding.

No, OP, you are being rigid. And judgemental. And you're trying to make your cousin's wedding into something that fits your idea of a wedding, not hers.

For her sake, RSPV with a no, send a nice gift, and leave her to have a lovely time with people who are happy to support her choices.

Surprised at how many people say YABU. This is what weddings often are these days, not about your nearest and dearest who often have kids but about the most inconvenient time possible and the least amount of hospitality, it makes you wonder really. We had kids at our wedding, it wasn't much of a question for us. It's not like they take up much room or eat much, our day was a beautiful big wedding and it's nice to look back on the kids who are now pretty much adults and they're still in our lives more than a lot of our friends back then

Maybe, just maybe, your cousin is secretly relieved you aren't going? Have you considered that possibility?

But it's not actually true that you genuinely can't make it work. You could go without your husband. You just don't want to.