To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

I absolutely believe everyone should have the wedding they want, and I’ve never said otherwise. I’m not trying to change their plans, just expressing how that choice can impact family who genuinely want to be there but can’t make the logistics work.

The Pinterest comment was just shorthand for a highly curated vibe - not meant to be bitchy, just pointing out that sometimes formality or aesthetics are prioritised over inclusion. It wasn’t a personal attack, just an observation about how modern weddings can feel more like productions than family gatherings.

I’m allowed to feel a bit sad or excluded without it meaning I want to hijack their day.

Why would any couple take the risk of having their wedding ruined by screaming kids?

Weddings are so expensive these days they are sensible to make that assumption and not trust that parents would do the right thing.

You do sound entitled to be honest.

Do your cousin a favour and just don't go.

Dh was best man at a wedding with children present. When the staff asked during the reception dinner if the children could stop playing with the glass balls in the tall floral displays, they were ignored, could the children please stop running around whilst dinner was being brought to the tables, again, ignored and then they got Dh involved to speak to the parents. Dh didn't know any of the parents of the children and so had to speak to the groom, twice. It made no difference.

I can completely understand why people want a child free wedding. Mine was purely by luck because none of our friends or siblings had children. Just because you have behaved children and would step in doesn't mean anyone else will and with alcohol involved and a "night off" attitude it can turn to chaos. I have never seen children that bad and I should have realised when the parents let them run riot in the graveyard of the church after the wedding.

Totally agree with this.

This is insane and incredibly self centred. First of all, they might not know you are this perfect parent who has angelic children who never cry or act like little shits. Second of all, why on earth do you think they should make an exception for you but not everyone else at the wedding?

you need to seriously have a word with yourself and recognise how incredibly self obsessed you are

Maybe the reason is that the B and G simply have different views on weddings to you, it's not like there are societal rules, everyone is free to have the wedding they want

I’m not trying to change their plans, just expressing how that choice can impact family who genuinely want to be there but can’t make the logistics work.

You keep saying you can't make the logistics work but what's the problem?

Why can't your husband parent his kids while you go to your cousin's wedding?

You haven't actually said.

@ZingyJadePombear it looks like you have two options:

1. You decline the invitation
2. You go on your own and leave your husband to look after the children

Unlike most mumsnetters I don't hate children at weddings, but as it's child free then please don't try to guilt trip the couple into including your children.

Honestly, the more you write the more it is clear that even putting aside the childcare issue it's probably best you don't go to this wedding. You appear to dislike your cousin and seem to think that someone else's big day should be all about you and your priorities.

Because as much as OP laments that all she wants is a little bit of flexibility, she’s not prepared to be the tiniest bit flexible herself. It might not be her wedding, but what SHE wants is what counts.

I get that everyone defines close family differently - but in our family, cousins are close. We’ve grown up together, stayed in regular contact, and celebrated major life events side by side, so being excluded due to logistics stings a bit more than it might for someone else.

I’m not demanding that kids be prioritised over friends or asking or a rule to be broken - I’m just acknowledging that for families like mine, these kinds of blanket policies can unintentionally alienate people who genuinely care.

And while I understand the financial side, it’s worth noting that not everyone sees their children as just an extra headcount - some of us see them as part of our family unit and being told they’re not welcome anywhere at all naturally creates a disconnect.

The world doesn’t revolve around your children. If you don’t like it, don’t go. It’s their wedding day and they can have what they like to make the day their own and how they want it and that includes illuminating the possibility of fidgeting noisy interrupting children.

Not unreasonable to decline the invite, you would be unreasonable to make a fuss.

Children at a wedding can be lovely if the venue works for that kind of event. Children at a wedding can be fine if they are old enough to entertain themselves and stay up late without getting into trouble. Young children at a wedding can be a PITA if it’s a fancy day with adults wanting to enjoy a few glasses and have a party. My sibling’s kids are all lovely but they were a hassle at our wedding and their parents got babysitters for the next family wedding - they couldn’t enjoy the day.

If I had invited my cousins children to my wedding, there would have been 40 extra guests. And that's without the groom's cousins' children.
@ZingyJadePombear

I'm leaning towards OP's absence from the wedding being a bonus side effect to her cousin.

I’ve never said they should change their minds or bend their rules for me. I’ve said that, as someone who genuinely can’t make the childcare work, I feel hurt to feel excluded - especially as a close family member. That’s not entitlement, that’s just honesty.

This isn’t honesty at all. You’ve already said that you could make childcare work if you really wanted.

You are not being excluded. You have chosen to be a parent and being a parent comes with trade-offs, costs and additional responsibilities to juggle. It’s ok to acknowledge that that choice you have made isn’t always convenient or without its downsides. But everyone else is not responsible for sheltering you from the realities of being a parent by sacrificing their own wants and resources.

Your cousin’s wedding is not about you or your children. Stop wallowing in your own feelings and moaning over what they’ve done to you. They have invited you to join in their celebration if you choose, nothing more. Go or don’t go.

OP, I’ve read the whole thread and I can’t see any explanation of why your husband can’t look after the kids alone who he you attend the wedding?

You keep saying some people can’t easily sort childcare. And I get that. But why can’t your husband look after the kids?

You're not excluded. You're invited. You can get a babysitter or leave your kids with your husband and go without him.

Frankly even if you were posting on here to say that you were feeling sad and excluded because YOU were not invited, people would be telling you that some people have small weddings and their cousins don't make the guest list.

It’s not all about you.

Yep 😂

But there is no reason you cannot go. You’ve said this now. It’s your own ego at this point that your children haven’t been deemed good enough for an invite.

Both my cousins had child free weddings. For one (local), DH, my dad and I did shifts at the wedding/ shifts at staying home with DC, had a babysitter for the ceremony/ meal. For the other (not so local, on a work day) we asked if DH and I could just come along to the night do and git a babysitter for a few hours. Not really a problem. One of DHs cousins had a cf wedding that we couldn't get a babysitter for so we declined politely. Again, no issue. It never occurred to me to take a huff about it! Their wedding, their choice.

Stop it with the common sense, you! 😄

The OP refuses to say 🤷‍♂️

Ive been to both child and child free wedding - family and friends.

The child free weddings were much more relaxing all round. The vibe is different and 99% of people I know sometimes like the opportunity to socialise without their children.
Every now and again I like it and my kids are too young (ds7 and dd3) to really care about going.