Page 8 | To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

ZingyJadePombear · 2025-04-03T16:33:25+00:00

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

Bournetilly · 03/04/2025 18:35

YABU to be annoyed that they don’t want children there.

YANBU to decline the invite.

ShamrockShenanigans · 03/04/2025 18:35

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:26

I get that consistency matters and I wouldn’t expect a special exception just for me. I’m simply pointing out that, when close family members say they genuinely can’t make it work because of childcare, a rigid blanket rule can come across as inflexible and, frankly, hurtful.

As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know. That might not be a big deal for some people but it is for us. It’s not about demanding to break rules - it’s about acknowledging that those rules can have a cost in terms of who’s able to show up.

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As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know.

You barely know your husband? 😳

SpringIsSpringing25 · 03/04/2025 18:35

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:26

I get that consistency matters and I wouldn’t expect a special exception just for me. I’m simply pointing out that, when close family members say they genuinely can’t make it work because of childcare, a rigid blanket rule can come across as inflexible and, frankly, hurtful.

As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know. That might not be a big deal for some people but it is for us. It’s not about demanding to break rules - it’s about acknowledging that those rules can have a cost in terms of who’s able to show up.

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They KNOW that and have made their decision, they know there will be people who don't want to get a babysitter and decline the invitation. They'd rather that than have children there.

Which part of that are you just not accepting?

Their wedding, their choice they don't want children there yours or anyone else's.

It really doesn't matter what I, hundreds of other posters or you think. I don't understand why you think your cousin should choose to have children there at the cost of having adult friends there. It cost a lot of money to have other people's children attend their wedding these days.

Unfortunately, long gone are the family weddings in the church hall. They were my favourite but they're long gone. (Mostly).

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/04/2025 18:35

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:26

I get that consistency matters and I wouldn’t expect a special exception just for me. I’m simply pointing out that, when close family members say they genuinely can’t make it work because of childcare, a rigid blanket rule can come across as inflexible and, frankly, hurtful.

As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know. That might not be a big deal for some people but it is for us. It’s not about demanding to break rules - it’s about acknowledging that those rules can have a cost in terms of who’s able to show up.

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If you're not asking that they break their no child rule for you, what are you asking, exactly?

I'm pretty sure they already understand that some people might not be able to come to their wedding.

Original poster

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:37

TheChosenTwo · 03/04/2025 18:30

Are you refusing to go because you think it’s selfish or are you unable to go because you can’t get childcare?

It’s a bit of both to be honest. If I could sort out childcare easily, I probably would still go but I’d still feel uncomfortable about the message it sends. It’s not just that I can’t attend, it’s how the rigid rule makes people with children feel - like we’re an inconvenience to be filtered out rather than part of the celebration.

So yes, the logistics are tricky, but it’s also about how exclusionary it feels, especially coming from close family. That’s what makes it feel selfish to me.

OP posts:

PretendToBeToastWithMe · 03/04/2025 18:37

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:26

I get that consistency matters and I wouldn’t expect a special exception just for me. I’m simply pointing out that, when close family members say they genuinely can’t make it work because of childcare, a rigid blanket rule can come across as inflexible and, frankly, hurtful.

As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know. That might not be a big deal for some people but it is for us. It’s not about demanding to break rules - it’s about acknowledging that those rules can have a cost in terms of who’s able to show up.

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Honestly, you say that you don’t expect a special exception just for you but then go on to say them not making an exception for you comes across as rigid, inflexible, and hurtful. What do you think they should actually do then?

I would and have never left my child with anyone other than family. In your case I’d either not go or leave my husband home and enjoy the event with my own family. It’s really okay for some things to just be for adults. When you have children this means you often need to be the flexible one, to make decisions in their interest even if it means you yourself are sometimes missing out. This is one of those times. Your cousin has not done this personally to you. They are entitled to have the wedding that they want. You are the one being inflexible here. In a few years your children will be older and you will have more freedom again. You’re just not at an adult only stage right now and it’s not your cousins fault.

rdlugwl00 · 03/04/2025 18:37

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:37

ShamrockShenanigans · 03/04/2025 18:35

As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know.

You barely know your husband? 😳

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Come on, I’m obviously referring to barely knowing the babysitter as I don’t have family nearby as I have already said. Get a grip.

OP posts:

Hoppinggreen · 03/04/2025 18:38

They can have the wedding they want, its up to you if you go or not

Dollshousedolly · 03/04/2025 18:39

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:26

I get that consistency matters and I wouldn’t expect a special exception just for me. I’m simply pointing out that, when close family members say they genuinely can’t make it work because of childcare, a rigid blanket rule can come across as inflexible and, frankly, hurtful.

As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know. That might not be a big deal for some people but it is for us. It’s not about demanding to break rules - it’s about acknowledging that those rules can have a cost in terms of who’s able to show up.

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Maybe they don’t particularly care whether you show up or not ? Nice if you do but if you don’t, that’s ok too. Why should your wants trump the wants of the people hosting and paying for the occasion ??

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/04/2025 18:39

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:37

It’s a bit of both to be honest. If I could sort out childcare easily, I probably would still go but I’d still feel uncomfortable about the message it sends. It’s not just that I can’t attend, it’s how the rigid rule makes people with children feel - like we’re an inconvenience to be filtered out rather than part of the celebration.

So yes, the logistics are tricky, but it’s also about how exclusionary it feels, especially coming from close family. That’s what makes it feel selfish to me.

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Getting a babysitter and attending a child free wedding doesn't send any message at all.

Cousins aren't particularly close family. If you were less closely related then you probably wouldn't have made the guest list at all.

UndermyShoeJoe · 03/04/2025 18:39

i wouldn’t count cousins as close family or when they are it’s because they meet up often and tend to live pretty close.

You don’t appear to live close and clearly are not close enough for them to want to make any exceptions so not close family.

Chunkilumptious · 03/04/2025 18:40

OP, you're only a cousin.for this wedding, it's not about you. If you can't make it work, you don't go. You don't expect them to make changes or call them selfish. You haven't said anything that gives the impression the no children stipulation is about social media, just that it doesn't suit you. It's not their problem to worry about your childcare. Either find a solution or get over it.

Original poster

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:40

Thestarsinthesky · 03/04/2025 18:32

OP if your friends invite you out to a dinner or a brunch do you get upset your kids can’t go? I don’t see it as any difference. It’s not an opportunity to show your family off, it’s not your choice. I find the notion that weddings are family events quite strange. And I have a family who I’m very proud of- but don’t take them to weddings.

and if it’s your cousin, you need to go alone. In our family we do things like that all the time to sort child care out.

Edited

I think there’s a huge difference between a casual brunch and a once in a lifetime family wedding. One is a social outing with mates, the other is a milestone event that traditionally brings family together across generations.

It’s not about “showing off” my kids - it’s about wanting to be included in something meaningful as a family, and not being made to feel like that’s somehow unreasonable or tacky.

Of course the couple has every right to make it child-free but I think I’m also allowed to feel disappointed that close relatives with young kids end up excluded by default.

OP posts:

Nottodaty · 03/04/2025 18:41

It’s their wedding. As long as they understand some people may not be able to attend.

I’ve been to a few child free weddings and it’s nice to have the evening off at times & we’ve had to turn down wedding that we couldn’t attend. As well as only my husband going to a wedding.

We’ve had a friend who had a lovely wedding that was very child focused - was also lovely!

& I remember taking a very bored 3 year old to one! That I left early so not to ruin their special day as my child definitely wasn’t in the mood to sit quietly through speeches and a meal as they had already sat quietly during the service!!

MayaPinion · 03/04/2025 18:41

Did you have the wedding you wanted? Is there any reason why they shouldn’t have the wedding they wanted?

Your comment about the Pinterest was unnecessary and bitchy.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 03/04/2025 18:41

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:40

I think there’s a huge difference between a casual brunch and a once in a lifetime family wedding. One is a social outing with mates, the other is a milestone event that traditionally brings family together across generations.

It’s not about “showing off” my kids - it’s about wanting to be included in something meaningful as a family, and not being made to feel like that’s somehow unreasonable or tacky.

Of course the couple has every right to make it child-free but I think I’m also allowed to feel disappointed that close relatives with young kids end up excluded by default.

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You can feel disappointed if you want, but so what? Just go or don't go.

What message do you think you will be sending if you go? That you think it's OK to have a child free wedding? Most people think that.

WhyCantIGetItTogether · 03/04/2025 18:41

In the future, child-free weddings may be the norm. Behaviour and parenting standards for many children are declining steadily. Photos are just one of many reasons a couple may choose not to invite children.

MsNevermore · 03/04/2025 18:41

It’s their wedding 🤷🏻‍♀️ they have every right to have a child-free one.
But I’ll caveat that by saying that people who choose a child-free wedding also have to be willing to accept that people they’d really like to be there may not attend if their children aren’t invited.
My cousin also had a child-free wedding and I couldn’t go because all of my childcare options were also invited to the wedding 🫠 I just made my apologies and sent a nice card and a little present to the wedding with my parents.

BeastAngelMadwoman · 03/04/2025 18:41

It's very often nothing to do with photos or wanting a perfect wedding and a lot to do with cost and venue capacity. My brother is getting married soon and other than my DD and one other babe in arms, there'll be no other kids there. They'd prefer to have them but they have to pay for them and they're at full capacity for the venue already.

KnittedFerret · 03/04/2025 18:42

Make it clear to them why you are not going. Use the words you used here:
'I * refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish*'.
No mincing about apologising and blaming lack of childcare.

Your presence and happiness should surmount all else, and they should allow your little darlings to attend.

As that might upset all other guests who have children, obviously they should make the wedding all about the guests and their children.

Honestly, what selfish twats spending £1000s to just piss off friends and family. Talk about making it all about themselves.

GoatCatTaco · 03/04/2025 18:42

We have done various things when invited to kid free events:
*Added 300 miles to the weekends travels to drop them with family from the other side (so 150miles to family, 100 miles to wedding, 100 miles back to kids, 150 miles home)

just one person go *decline the event

If you really want to go, you will find a way. If you are a bit <shrug> about it, you will find it inconvenient, and use child free as an excuse not to go.

Hoplolly · 03/04/2025 18:42

It's an invite, not a summons. If you don't want to go, don't go but it's the bride and grooms prerogative to invite who they want.

I didn't have children at my wedding, some people didn't come because they didn't have childcare, that's the way it is. I didn't want their children there as they were a total pain in the arse and slack parenting meant they would have run around causing mayhem, so easier to say no children. Weddings are not enjoyable for kids. Even when mine are invited, I don't take them, it's long and dull enough most the time as an adult!

Edited to add: As someone else said, it's about capacity. I would have been inviting 60 extra guests if I invited children too. That's bonkers.

CandyCane457 · 03/04/2025 18:43

It’s not just that I can’t attend, it’s how the rigid rule makes people with children feel - like we’re an inconvenience to be filtered out rather than part of the celebration.

No one else with ch I know has ever felt like an inconvenience after being invited to a child free wedding. They organise childcare and go and let loose, enjoying their time with friends without having to constantly watch their child, make sure it doesn’t run on the dance floor during the first dance or do any other things children do. I can totally get why people want a child free wedding. I think you’re taking it too personally, they aren’t filtering you out and they are wanting you to be part of the celebration, just not a load of kids too. I get it.

BeastAngelMadwoman · 03/04/2025 18:43

But no you're not unreasonable to not attend. I couldn't either as I'd have no childcare, but I would just politely decline- no big deal!