To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

As someone who isn't that keen on big social gatherings, I used to find that my children were my great "get out of jail free ' card when they were young. 😃

Child free weddings didn't bother me at all as I could so easily decline to go.

Go if you want to, decline if you don't/can't. If asked why you have declined then be truthful about lack of childcare. They probably won't ask though, and it really doesn't matter.

Oh for goodness sake, your kids aren't wanted at their wedding.

It is an invitation, decline it. And, YABU

We had a child free wedding - nothing to do with the pictures but because we had our wedding at a London hotel - a black tie/evening dress wedding which wasn’t child friendly. It was a perfect wedding day and exactly as we wanted.

I had a small wedding and just couldn’t afford all the additional children.

There are so many entitled parents and badly behaved children now, that I'm not surprised people have childfree events. Also, long gone are the days of a wedding buffet in a church hall, it's all per head now which means it's often a choice between a child and an adult guest.

Their wedding, their choice. It's an invite, not a summons. If it doesnt suit you don't go. Or leave the DC with their dad and go on your own.

But why should they take that risk? I went to a wedding where the BIL of the groom was meant to be in charge of the baby during the ceremony - baby starts to cry, he goes to the back of the room but not out - end result, baby cries through the exchange of vows and no one can hear them.

Why can’t your DH stay at home with the children and you go to the wedding?

This ^
and not forgetting those parents that complain when the Bride and Groom haven't paid for speciality entertainment to kids their kids entertained.

I get that consistency matters and I wouldn’t expect a special exception just for me. I’m simply pointing out that, when close family members say they genuinely can’t make it work because of childcare, a rigid blanket rule can come across as inflexible and, frankly, hurtful.

As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know. That might not be a big deal for some people but it is for us. It’s not about demanding to break rules - it’s about acknowledging that those rules can have a cost in terms of who’s able to show up.

Maybe they knew you wouldn’t come and sent the invite out of duty and don’t care if you go or not. That happens a lot at weddings where they have big extended families with lots of cousins aunties and uncles.

My top “this is why people have child-free weddings” moment was when one newly toilet-trained toddler got up during the outdoor ceremony, walked over to the flower bed running alongside the chairs, pulled down his little trousers and proceeded to wee mid-vows.

I have always loved kids - I went from growing up in a huge family to teaching preschool and now I’ve got seven of the chaos monsters darlings filling up my home. But it is absolutely ok for some occasions to be adults-only and that has always been the way of the world. Choosing between arranging childcare or declining some invites is simply part of being a parent, not a personal slight.

But on the other hand, who should the expense fall to?? It's expensive for the bride and groom for 45 kids to be included in the numbers at the venue.

Personally my ideal wedding is a very old-fashioned one with the reception being in a Village Hall with with the aunts and neighbours doing a buffet.

Lots of kids running around and everybody just having a brilliant time.

However, weddings are very different these days and catering for all your cousins and friends children is incredibly expensive

DD is having a childfree wedding as she has 1 half sister and 2 SSisters who, between them, have 13 DC. The cost alone in catering for that lot plus the inevitable arguments over which of the 7 girls will be bridesmaids/flower girls etc was something both DD and her DP didn't want.

I love a child free wedding. The easy solution is you go because it’s your cousin and the children’s dad has them.

Are you refusing to go because you think it’s selfish or are you unable to go because you can’t get childcare?

The bride and groom are not being selfish it is their wedding and you are making it about your kids, if you really wanted to go then go on your own and let your husband/partner look after your children.

Then just don't go.
Their wedding, their choice.
Honestly i think you're being really precious about this. It's one day.
I'm sure you can arrange a separate mini celebration post wedding with kids and all, so you can catch up then.

In my opinion the only children at weddings should be the couples own children and nieces and nephews, I wouldn’t expect my children to be invited to my cousins wedding (they weren’t) and neither would I extend the invitaiton.

OP if your friends invite you out to a dinner or a brunch do you get upset your kids can’t go? I don’t see it as any difference. It’s not an opportunity to show your family off, it’s not your choice. I find the notion that weddings are family events quite strange. And I have a family who I’m very proud of- but don’t take them to weddings.

and if it’s your cousin, you need to go alone. In our family we do things like that all the time to sort child care out.

I had to turn down a child-free wedding a couple of years back. Travelling there and back would have taken three days. DS had just turned two and it was too long to leave him with DH. We had no family or friends in that area to babysit.I left the decision with the bride and she reiterated child-free. It was a shame, but their wedding their decision.

Now he’s older, I have no problem with child-free :-)

It’s not about demanding to break rules - it’s about acknowledging that those rules can have a cost in terms of who’s able to show up.

Everyone who organises a child-free event (who is also reasonable) knows this already. Obviously if they throw a fit about your non-attendance that makes them unreasonable but to them the cost of some people being unable to go is worth it for the child-free event they want.

@cantthinkofausername26

of course they would have rather had their friends there!

They don't care if you go or not. Get over yourself.

So the cpuole not wa ting any kids is shutting you as a family out, it's about control and aesthetics. So not about what they want and not wanting their wedding ruined by kids.
You are coming across entitled. If you want to go, go without your dh, or can you not go anywhere without your entire family.
Honestly you aren't paying, they are they're choice. Don't go, with your entitled attitude I doubt you'll be missed

I’ve declined on this basis before, I didn’t feel bad at all.