To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

You say that but your thread title calls them selfish for having 'the wedding they want'. So you believe it with a massive caveat.

A McDonald's staff do at a soft play centre... I cannot imagine a worse possible vibe

Sitting still and quietly in the ceremony (say 45mins - an hour, as usually need to be seated a while before
Then standing around with nothing to do for 2 hours whilst photos taken
Then sitting at a formal meal for around hour and a half
Then still remaining sitting whilst people do speeches.

None of this ^ sounds like a fun day for a child to me.

That's coming from a person who loves a nice wedding. I just don't understand why anyone would want to take small children to them. The idea of keeping my dc quiet and behaving and still looking clean and tidy for that length of time gives me the jitters. The odd occasion when we had to take them was not relaxing in the least. But, maybe that doesn't apply to people who don't care if their dc are noisy and spoil other people's days.

Have you genuinely never used a babysitter other than your own immediate family? Do you children not have any friends they could stay over with?
I could understand this if your kids are very small, but surely as they get bigger things get easier.

Our children have had multiple sleepovers (Scouting/friends) but surely you understand the logistics of finding multiple people to look after more than one child for potentially a minimum of 24 hours depending on where the wedding is. We don't use babysitters fullstop tbh. My inlaws aren't capable and my mother is a bitch. Our circle either has family friendly parties in which the older children help entertain the younger or we go out separately with our own friends/colleagues.

I'm invited to a childfree wedding this year 560ish miles away. Google maps reckons close to a 10 hour drive. To do that comfortably and safely I'd probably want a minimum of 3 nights. That's a big ask for anyone even before we get to the fact that my youngest is a dreadful sleeper (and 6 years old).

Maybe they’ll extend that to wedding parties. That would be novel. All those guests wearing long gowns and black ties would be hilarious

Sitting still and quietly in the ceremony (say 45mins - an hour, as usually need to be seated a while before
Then standing around with nothing to do for 2 hours whilst photos taken
Then sitting at a formal meal for around hour and a half
Then still remaining sitting whilst people do speeches.

I think the thing is, if you want to welcome children at your wedding then you are happy to accommodate them - area at the back of the ceremony venue where they can play quietly, have space for them to run around during the photos, provide a children's meal and a children's table, not expect them to sit in silence during speeches, but get up and sit on a parent's knee or something.

Obviously a howling infant, a toddler having a tantrum needs to be removed.

I'm trying to remember how it all went at the various weddings I've been to with my children and I honestly can't recall any terrible incident that disrupted the day.

If you want a very formal event then it's not for children, but weddings absolutely do not have to exclude children.

Blimey
Is everyone so educated on addiction on mumsnet….you learned lot !

I thought DT was
Design Technology
Dead Toads
Defensive tackle
Detective

so on the balance of probability I thought the pp was taking either a Detective or Toads to her wedding 😆😆

But what is the point if they are playing in a separate room, seated at a child's table, etc.?

They frankly are just high-maintenance warm bodies at that point, not contributing anything to the adult socializing that is the purpose of the occasion. And that's if they don't squeal, shriek, run around, soil and otherwise disrupt things.

Children are not the social equals of adults. They don't need to be at adult events. Not everyone believes a wedding is about "bringing two families together." To some it's just a party and not one suitable for minors.

Lol was only the youngsters attending ( 16-20 years)

If you are providing things for children to do at a wedding to stop them getting bored then they are not really getting anything out of being at a wedding!

Oh stop it - who brings logic to an emotional fight?!?

It isn’t so much the children get anything out of the wedding. weddings, christenings (or equivalents) and funerals are the only time extended families come together as a large group. It is lovely if you can introduce your children to great Aunt Flo who lives in Australia so have never been able to meet for example. But like I have said, it just isn’t practical for most people with the number constraints.

They can meet Aunt Flo via Zoom the other 364 days of the year. If she resides that far away, it's not as though she is going to develop a deep relationship with a six-year-old.

Perhaps Flo would rather get stuck into the cocktails or flirt with the ushers? And if she's visiting all the way from Australia surely she can meet your little angel another day?

Exactly! Why on earth invite people who have no capacity for appreciating the occasion?

If it's assumed/prepared for that they are going to be restless and bored, just leave them home to begin with.

A child-free wedding in a soft-play centre. Brilliant!

Someone needs to organise one pronto (I will make a financial contribution) just so that we can get the benefit of the relatives posting on Mumsnet.

I’m just making the point that traditionally weddings and funerals are when families tend to congregate and catch up.

i had a semi child free wedding btw (only nephews and nieces) so not sure why the patronising ‘little angel’ was necessary. I was just making the point that I understand why having children at weddings can be a nice thing

Agreed. I had a childfree wedding. It was black tie and on a Saturday night. If we'd invited children and they'd all attended, there would have been close to 60 of them running around. Not exactly the right/appropriate event for 60 children. My parents did the same, and my grandparents before them. Not every family does casual, child friendly weddings and that's ok too. I promise that I'm still close with my cousins' children (driving three hours to celebrate one of their birthdays this weekend, in fact) and they do not care that they did not attend my wedding.

Not your wedding. If you don’t ike thevrestivyoibs, then don’t go. 🤷‍♀️

History geek warning! 😂

The current debates around child-free weddings have really interested me, as I have a History degree and love History! It actually got me wondering…what was the norm in the past?

I found this a fascinating read:
https://sharonkabel.com/post/childfree-weddings/

Her conclusion- both weddings with and without children attending have historical roots going back a long way.

This seems to reflect the 2 sides of this debate evidenced here right now 😊

You’re missing the point (as you did with my over 18s bar and 15 film comparison). It’s not about whether adults without kids would want to attend a soft play party. (Hell, most adults with kids want to avoid them.) It’s about the fact that it’s not discriminatory to say “Adults accompanying children only”. And that’s a service being offered to the public - unlike a wedding, which is a private event.

I was taken to a couple of aunt/uncle wedding ceremonies in the 1960s age 8 or 9, and then whisked aaway before the reception. Barely remember them.

Haven't been to a wedding WITH children attending in my extended family since the 1970s.

Not everyone sees a post-ceremony dinner-dance as hijackable for a family reunion. Those who want to show off their kids should organise their own events.

But MAH BAYBEES!!!

Are you suggesting @CantStopMoving s great Aunt Flo is a flirt and alcoholic 😉

Except for the actual service of course which has to, by law, be open to all.