Page 29 | To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

ZingyJadePombear · 2025-04-03T16:33:25+00:00

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 12:01

Wishingplenty · 04/04/2025 11:43

Your wasting your time. You won't get sensible answers on here. But be rest assured YES it is selfish of them, but everyone advocates for the "right" to be selfish these day, with no thought for others, so there is very little that can actually be done about it.

Again, no one has answered this. Most people fill a 100 person venue with only adults - it is approx 50 couples I have not been to a single venue that is bigger than that. Where are all these venue that can cater for all these couples and their children?. There were literally none around me. I visited practically every one and most were pretty small but usually catered to about 80. We found a hotel with a big room but it was still about 110 at a squeeze. We had nephews and nieces (of which there were 6). We just had zero room for any more. It wasn’t selfishness but just practicality.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/04/2025 12:03

SkeletonBatsflyatnight · 04/04/2025 10:36

Let’s say one of our cousins on my mother’s side held a children-free family event; all the adults invited. My sister would still have the option or leaving her son with his paternal grandparents, or relatives on my father’s side - people her son knows well and is comfortable with, but who my cousin doesn’t know from Adam.

If one of my maternal cousins held a childfree wedding, we wouldn't be going. My inlaws are too old and too ill to look after my children. One of dh's siblings lives 200 miles away and the other 400. Whilst dc1 in particular would love to be left with some of dh's Uncles whilst we attended a wedding, taking them to Canada or Austria for childcare seems excessive. My father's extended family live over 500 miles away and the kids see them roughly once a year. Perhaps it's like migrating to like but most of my friendship group have similar family situations.

Have you genuinely never used a babysitter other than your own immediate family? Do you children not have any friends they could stay over with?

I could understand this if your kids are very small, but surely as they get bigger things get easier.

Parker231 · 04/04/2025 12:06

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 12:01

Again, no one has answered this. Most people fill a 100 person venue with only adults - it is approx 50 couples I have not been to a single venue that is bigger than that. Where are all these venue that can cater for all these couples and their children?. There were literally none around me. I visited practically every one and most were pretty small but usually catered to about 80. We found a hotel with a big room but it was still about 110 at a squeeze. We had nephews and nieces (of which there were 6). We just had zero room for any more. It wasn’t selfishness but just practicality.

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We had a London hotel and hosted 250 - the majority who had to travel overseas to attend as we weren’t living in the same country as either of our families. If we’d invited the children of our guests (wedding wasn’t children friendly), we would have had to cut friends and family from the guest list to keep within the 250 headcount.

FartfulCodger · 04/04/2025 12:08

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 08:00

no I struggled to keep under 100 as I articulated earlier! No venues around me were any larger than about 110. In order to have had children we would have had to have had a bigger venue

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Oh sorry, I misread!

Famallama · 04/04/2025 12:10

Wishingplenty · 04/04/2025 11:43

Your wasting your time. You won't get sensible answers on here. But be rest assured YES it is selfish of them, but everyone advocates for the "right" to be selfish these day, with no thought for others, so there is very little that can actually be done about it.

🙄 When did 'these days' start exactly? I'm interested in the origin stories of this selfishness so many people seem to be obsessed with.

You sound as unreasonable as the OP.

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 12:23

Famallama · 04/04/2025 12:10

🙄 When did 'these days' start exactly? I'm interested in the origin stories of this selfishness so many people seem to be obsessed with.

You sound as unreasonable as the OP.

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"It's just ME, ME, ME these days" - the motto of unreasonable people since the dawn of time! I remember reading it in a Nancy Mitford book set in the 1930s 😄. Calling everyone selfish because they can't get their own way all the time.

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 12:26

Parker231 · 04/04/2025 12:06

We had a London hotel and hosted 250 - the majority who had to travel overseas to attend as we weren’t living in the same country as either of our families. If we’d invited the children of our guests (wedding wasn’t children friendly), we would have had to cut friends and family from the guest list to keep within the 250 headcount.

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Exactly only a a large city hotel can accommodate so many guests . I remember doing my exams in one with a massive ballroom. now I think about it I attended a Hindu wedding and it was held in a massive hotel room and there were hundreds of people.

But those are very specific to big city hotels that can accommodate those massive rooms. Once you get outside of cities and looking at stately homes or marquees and they just can’t accommodate very many people. I was shocked that a lot of the venues I looked at were 60 maximum.

Serpentstooth · 04/04/2025 12:30

It's their wedding not yours, it should be how they wish. YABU.

LoveHearts69 · 04/04/2025 12:32

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 18:19

Totally agree that it’s the couple’s day and their choice - no one’s disputing that. I’m just pointing out that when the choice shuts out people who would genuinely want to be there but can’t find workable childcare, it can come across as a bit rigid. Especially when it’s family.

As for flexibility - I don’t mean letting kids stay until midnight or run wild. I just mean maybe allowing kids for the ceremony only or making exceptions for close family with no other options. A flat no across the board doesn’t work for everyone and it can feel like aesthetics or control are being prioritised over actual connection.

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The ceremony is the worst part to have young children imo, especially if the B&G have paid out for a video. Nothing more annoying than a child screaming or talking through the vows.

I say this as someone with two young children and no childcare myself but I COMPLETELY understand why a childfree couple would not want children at a wedding! Other people’s children are annoying 😂

Famallama · 04/04/2025 12:33

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 12:23

"It's just ME, ME, ME these days" - the motto of unreasonable people since the dawn of time! I remember reading it in a Nancy Mitford book set in the 1930s 😄. Calling everyone selfish because they can't get their own way all the time.

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I'm not sure they see the hypocrisy!

gannett · 04/04/2025 12:33

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 12:23

"It's just ME, ME, ME these days" - the motto of unreasonable people since the dawn of time! I remember reading it in a Nancy Mitford book set in the 1930s 😄. Calling everyone selfish because they can't get their own way all the time.

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The irony being that they're stamping their foot because someone else's wedding isn't tailored to THEIR specifications, which is surely the definition of selfishness.

On some level they realise that so they have to conflate their personal desires with the Greater Good of Society and the fact that society has largely moved on can only be put down to Moral Decline. If it wasn't they would be confronted by their own selfishness.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/04/2025 12:36

SkeletonBatsflyatnight · 04/04/2025 10:36

Let’s say one of our cousins on my mother’s side held a children-free family event; all the adults invited. My sister would still have the option or leaving her son with his paternal grandparents, or relatives on my father’s side - people her son knows well and is comfortable with, but who my cousin doesn’t know from Adam.

If one of my maternal cousins held a childfree wedding, we wouldn't be going. My inlaws are too old and too ill to look after my children. One of dh's siblings lives 200 miles away and the other 400. Whilst dc1 in particular would love to be left with some of dh's Uncles whilst we attended a wedding, taking them to Canada or Austria for childcare seems excessive. My father's extended family live over 500 miles away and the kids see them roughly once a year. Perhaps it's like migrating to like but most of my friendship group have similar family situations.

@SkeletonBatsflyatnight

you or your husband could look after the kids whilst the other one goes to the wedding. You are not joined at the hip to your spouse.

lazycats · 04/04/2025 12:37

Fu*king hell, another “why can’t I bring my kids to a child-free wedding” thread! It’s every day now 😆

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/04/2025 12:39

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 12:01

Again, no one has answered this. Most people fill a 100 person venue with only adults - it is approx 50 couples I have not been to a single venue that is bigger than that. Where are all these venue that can cater for all these couples and their children?. There were literally none around me. I visited practically every one and most were pretty small but usually catered to about 80. We found a hotel with a big room but it was still about 110 at a squeeze. We had nephews and nieces (of which there were 6). We just had zero room for any more. It wasn’t selfishness but just practicality.

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@Wishingplenty

FFS, if a person can’t be selfish on their own wedding day when can they be?!

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 12:40

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/04/2025 12:39

@Wishingplenty

FFS, if a person can’t be selfish on their own wedding day when can they be?!

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Never, apparently, if it doesn't suit some people!

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 13:04

GCAcademic · 04/04/2025 11:39

Only in the same way that a soft play centre discriminates against those without children.

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Bit creepy wanting to go to a soft play area as an adult without kids. To watch other peoples kids!
It’s hardly a comparable situation

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 13:07

LoveHearts69 · 04/04/2025 12:32

The ceremony is the worst part to have young children imo, especially if the B&G have paid out for a video. Nothing more annoying than a child screaming or talking through the vows.

I say this as someone with two young children and no childcare myself but I COMPLETELY understand why a childfree couple would not want children at a wedding! Other people’s children are annoying 😂

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Although I think OP said the ceremony is in a church. So anyone can go. The entire brownie brigade if they want

GCAcademic · 04/04/2025 13:09

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 13:04

Bit creepy wanting to go to a soft play area as an adult without kids. To watch other peoples kids!
It’s hardly a comparable situation

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Yes, it's a bit creepy insisting on going anywhere you're not invited.

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 13:11

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 12:01

Again, no one has answered this. Most people fill a 100 person venue with only adults - it is approx 50 couples I have not been to a single venue that is bigger than that. Where are all these venue that can cater for all these couples and their children?. There were literally none around me. I visited practically every one and most were pretty small but usually catered to about 80. We found a hotel with a big room but it was still about 110 at a squeeze. We had nephews and nieces (of which there were 6). We just had zero room for any more. It wasn’t selfishness but just practicality.

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We had 200 at ours.
Venue in Kent.

There’s a website that exclusively advices on large wedding venues
ive also copied the first listed but there’s many many more

To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 13:14

GCAcademic · 04/04/2025 13:09

Yes, it's a bit creepy insisting on going anywhere you're not invited.

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You don’t need an invite for a soft play area.
Just a kid 🤣

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 13:19

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 13:11

We had 200 at ours.
Venue in Kent.

There’s a website that exclusively advices on large wedding venues
ive also copied the first listed but there’s many many more

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so they are rare enough that they need a specialist wedding venue to advise about where they are?

TheHerboriste · 04/04/2025 13:27

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 13:04

Bit creepy wanting to go to a soft play area as an adult without kids. To watch other peoples kids!
It’s hardly a comparable situation

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No creepier than wanting to force oneself and one’s unwelcome children into a social event.

Ideologically churches are “open to all” but they are on private property and people could be legally ousted. I wouldn’t make a fool of myself showing up with the kiddies.

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 13:29

Hardly @CantStopMoving
People set up websites for everything these days
To make life easier for those who can’t be bothered or don’t have the time for the research….
There are other websites on the same subject.
They exist because some people want huge venues

TheHerboriste · 04/04/2025 13:30

Parker231 · 04/04/2025 11:53

Why is it selfish to have the wedding you want? Apart from having DT’s my child free wedding was the best day of my life and throughly enjoyed by everyone there. The guests with children enjoyed a day/night without the responsibility of their children and the chance to dress up in black tie/long dresses and a stay in a gorgeous hotel.

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DTs?

Sofiewoo · 04/04/2025 13:32

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 11:25

Oh the irony of moaning "they want it to be their sPeCiAL dAy#%^!" I bet these posters treat every big occasion as a purely altruistic event, inviting absolutely everyone they know. Or not.

Edited

It’s really strange how offended and angry you get when it comes to who someone invites to their own wedding.