Page 28 | To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

ZingyJadePombear · 2025-04-03T16:33:25+00:00

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 04/04/2025 09:28

BatchCookBabe · 03/04/2025 21:53

I'm in the minority here, but YANBU in my opinion @ZingyJadePombear I dislike child free weddings and find them snobby, and divisive, and unfair. There are BOUND to be some people who can't go. And it's so mean to exclude extended family like this (And in some cases, friends too.)

If the whole extended family is invited - but no CHILDREN are allowed - someone is going to have to stay and look after the children, so some family members will miss out.

My friend's 2 daughters were invited to her brother's wedding (15 years ago,) as they are his nieces. They were flower girls, (5 and 7 at the time.) But the children of her and her brother's 3 cousins weren't invited (7 children in all, and all under 16.) As the aunts and uncles and grannies etc were going, the cousins couldn't come either.

The relationship was never the same with my friend's brother and their 3 cousins after that. (Or my friend, as her children were invited... so the 3 cousins were pissed off with her too.) They all held a grudge and have never invited my friend or her brother - or any of their (5) combined children to anything. Their DC's big birthday parties, engagement parties, several weddings, nothing.

It's fine to exclude family members children (and the family members themselves) if you don't give a shit about them and don't care about your relationship being affected by snubbing them and their children. You do you. I wouldn't do it. The 'their wedding, their choice' brigade really boil my fucking piss. It's not OK to treat family and friends like this. As my friend's brother has found out (to his cost.)

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What are the chances of the groom's three cousins ALL being single parents whose children had no contact with their other parent or any of the other side of their family meaning that every single one of their relatives was at this wedding and couldn't babysit, and none of them having the phone number of a babysitter despite having so few childcare options within the family.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/04/2025 10:07

Tentsareshit · 03/04/2025 18:01

I remember my parents going to a child free wedding when I was about 8. I’m now mid 40s. So they were definitely at thing at least 40 years ago.

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I am going to sound completely hypocritical because my own wedding (a million years ago) was child free. Not by design I hasten to add. I just didn't know anyone who had kids at the time. Also, it was a very small affair. I have to say it was lovely. I have no idea how the presence of children would have made it a better or worse experience for me.

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/04/2025 10:09

You can't police someone's private life, but a childfree wedding is a bit discriminatory against parents (and children) isn't it?

KimberleyClark · 04/04/2025 10:17

We had a childfree wedding with the exception of DH’s godson and his sister, we thought that was fitting somehow, and we attended the sister’s wedding 20 years later. None of my family or friends had children at the time.

PoppyRoseBucky · 04/04/2025 10:21

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/04/2025 10:09

You can't police someone's private life, but a childfree wedding is a bit discriminatory against parents (and children) isn't it?

Oh, give over.

By that logic, all weddings are discriminatory against everyone who wasn't invited, right?

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/04/2025 10:22

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/04/2025 10:09

You can't police someone's private life, but a childfree wedding is a bit discriminatory against parents (and children) isn't it?

Not really.

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything. People are allowed to have adult only events.

Not every event has to revolve around children.

PoppyRoseBucky · 04/04/2025 10:31

Not every event is going to be child-friendly or child-inclusive.

Most people who host child-free weddings understand that there will be some people who won't be able to attend due to childcare issues. It's a price they're willing to pay for the day of their dreams.

Given how many parents allow (not all, of course) their kids to run riot it's not wholly surprising that many people are opting to have child-free weddings and events.

In the end, it's irrelevant if you think it's "selfish." I think it's selfish of you to try and make someone else's wedding all about you and yours and throwing a tantrum because you've been told no-but there you go.

The only choice you have to make is whether or not you're going to attend. If you can't for childcare reasons, don't go. I'm sure they'll survive without your presence for one day.

Since you have a partner, why can't they look after your children and you go to the wedding if you want to go so bad? Or is it that you want to go only on your terms? As in you're a package deal and you and yours go everywhere together?

If so, again, unreasonable levels of selfishness on display from you, OP.

It's a non-negotiable-so come to terms with it and make your decision. You don't get to dictate how other people celebrate their weddings-sadly for you.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/04/2025 10:33

SouthLondonMum22 · 03/04/2025 20:46

OP said she's refusing to attend because she thinks it selfish. That's different than not being able to attend due to lack of childcare and feeling disappointed.

The latter isn't unreasonable or selfish, can't say the same about the former.

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Exactly what I was going to say, @SouthLondonMum22.

SkeletonBatsflyatnight · 04/04/2025 10:36

Let’s say one of our cousins on my mother’s side held a children-free family event; all the adults invited. My sister would still have the option or leaving her son with his paternal grandparents, or relatives on my father’s side - people her son knows well and is comfortable with, but who my cousin doesn’t know from Adam.

If one of my maternal cousins held a childfree wedding, we wouldn't be going. My inlaws are too old and too ill to look after my children. One of dh's siblings lives 200 miles away and the other 400. Whilst dc1 in particular would love to be left with some of dh's Uncles whilst we attended a wedding, taking them to Canada or Austria for childcare seems excessive. My father's extended family live over 500 miles away and the kids see them roughly once a year. Perhaps it's like migrating to like but most of my friendship group have similar family situations.

HellDorado · 04/04/2025 10:58

Well, I did make it clear that I understand not everyone will have these options. Just as I’m sure you understand not everyone’s relatives are in Canada or Australia.

My point remains: it’s too simplistic to say “If it’s an extended family event all your possible babysitters will be there”.

Dotjones · 04/04/2025 11:02

YABU, if only because of your hypocrisy in calling them selfish for not running their wedding the way you think it should be run to be best for you. That is what's selfish.

Kandalama · 04/04/2025 11:25

LillyPJ · 04/04/2025 00:51

£8?! You can barely get a takeaway sandwich and a drink for that nowadays.

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Its quite obvious prices go up.
This was 1998 🤣

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 11:25

Oh the irony of moaning "they want it to be their sPeCiAL dAy#%^!" I bet these posters treat every big occasion as a purely altruistic event, inviting absolutely everyone they know. Or not.

Famallama · 04/04/2025 11:30

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 11:25

Oh the irony of moaning "they want it to be their sPeCiAL dAy#%^!" I bet these posters treat every big occasion as a purely altruistic event, inviting absolutely everyone they know. Or not.

Edited

So selfish of the people getting married not to run every decision they make past every guest to ensure no one takes offence. 🙄 And even then, some people would still find a way to be hurt/offended/insulted.

I have a feeling the OP won't be attending this wedding!

HellDorado · 04/04/2025 11:32

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/04/2025 10:09

You can't police someone's private life, but a childfree wedding is a bit discriminatory against parents (and children) isn't it?

“Discriminatory”? Is it any more discriminatory than an over 18s bar, or a 15 certificate film?

GCAcademic · 04/04/2025 11:33

As for going alone - I could, but the whole point is that we’d love to celebrate as a family, and not everyone’s comfortable leaving their young kids overnight with someone they barely know. That might not be a big deal for some people but it is for us. It’s not about demanding to break rules - it’s about acknowledging that those rules can have a cost in terms of who’s able to show up.

Why does what you'd "love" to do trump what the bride and groom want to do? You know, the people whose actual wedding it is?

And your prefered scenario would have a "cost" for the bride and groom. Inviting everyone's children can add thousands to the cost of a wedding. Why is it that you think you're the best person to weigh up material and immaterial costs rather than - again - the people whose actual wedding it is?

Go, or don't go, but judging the bride and groom for being selfish is, well, a bit rich.

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 11:36

I am fully expecting to be invited to every Mumsnet wedding, funeral, golden anniversary, 80th birthday bash, christening and housewarming party from now until the end of time. Along with my teenager, 4 adult children with spouses, and 7 grandchildren. And my cats. Anything else is SELFISH and DISCRIMINATION. Oh, and if you're ordering a takeaway I'll have kung po chicken with a large fried rice.

KimberleyClark · 04/04/2025 11:36

HellDorado · 04/04/2025 11:32

“Discriminatory”? Is it any more discriminatory than an over 18s bar, or a 15 certificate film?

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Or a mums only till at Morrisons on Mothers Day?

GCAcademic · 04/04/2025 11:39

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 04/04/2025 10:09

You can't police someone's private life, but a childfree wedding is a bit discriminatory against parents (and children) isn't it?

Only in the same way that a soft play centre discriminates against those without children.

ForPlumReader · 04/04/2025 11:39

I'd love an excuse to get out of going to family weddings, treat it as a positive.

Wishingplenty · 04/04/2025 11:43

Your wasting your time. You won't get sensible answers on here. But be rest assured YES it is selfish of them, but everyone advocates for the "right" to be selfish these day, with no thought for others, so there is very little that can actually be done about it.

Smallmercies · 04/04/2025 11:50

Wishingplenty · 04/04/2025 11:43

Your wasting your time. You won't get sensible answers on here. But be rest assured YES it is selfish of them, but everyone advocates for the "right" to be selfish these day, with no thought for others, so there is very little that can actually be done about it.

Yes, so selfish to decide for oneself whom to invite to one's wedding! 🫠

Elunajeya · 04/04/2025 11:50

Wishingplenty · 04/04/2025 11:43

Your wasting your time. You won't get sensible answers on here. But be rest assured YES it is selfish of them, but everyone advocates for the "right" to be selfish these day, with no thought for others, so there is very little that can actually be done about it.

In YOUR opinion.

HellDorado · 04/04/2025 11:51

The thing with catering to guests is that you can't actually cater to everyone's preferences at once. You have to choose some preferences over others. The crux of this issue is that OP is put out because it isn't her preferences being catered to (but the couple may well be catering to - for example - the groom's sister who's suffering from infertility, or the bride's best friend who wants a night off from parenting).

Exactly. I’m all for making your guests comfortable, but that doesn’t mean tailoring your day to their every whim. It’s impossible to make everybody happy anyway. There’s no meal option that will be universally loved; someone will always complain about what table they’re on, or that they should have been allowed a plus one, or that the speeches went on too long…

Parker231 · 04/04/2025 11:53

Wishingplenty · 04/04/2025 11:43

Your wasting your time. You won't get sensible answers on here. But be rest assured YES it is selfish of them, but everyone advocates for the "right" to be selfish these day, with no thought for others, so there is very little that can actually be done about it.

Why is it selfish to have the wedding you want? Apart from having DT’s my child free wedding was the best day of my life and throughly enjoyed by everyone there. The guests with children enjoyed a day/night without the responsibility of their children and the chance to dress up in black tie/long dresses and a stay in a gorgeous hotel.