Page 27 | To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

ZingyJadePombear · 2025-04-03T16:33:25+00:00

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

Nannyfannybanny · 04/04/2025 07:18

FurFangsPawsandClaws, I bitterly regret I didn't do this, just quietly get married just us and our DKs. I wasted a lot of money,on booking re booking, deposits. We got bullied into having kids,by mil. The photos. were ruined,kids standing in front of us, Messing around, climbing on the ornamental structures . I forget to add,we actually had our Honeymoon before the wedding, because we couldn't change it without loosing the money. The kids were invited to the evening party, and I had a paid minder and bouncy castle for them, do they could be at our house, only 20 minutes away.not one person bothered. These werent young babies or children that weren't ever left, they ranged from 9-12 and certainly didn't want to be there.we had very elderly,frail relatives standing, while the kids took the seats.

Moglet4 · 04/04/2025 07:22

ThejoyofNC · 03/04/2025 17:37

YANBU. I hate that so many weddings have become all about the pictures and nothing about the actual enjoyment of everyone attending.

Perhaps the couple don’t find children enjoyable though?

TubeScreamer · 04/04/2025 07:22

YANBU to feel disappointed or even hurt, but it is their choice.

You just need to politely decline, wish them well, get on with life. ‘Refuse’ sounds a but dramatic.

Havetoagree · 04/04/2025 07:25

Completely their choice, but also, if I were to have a child free wedding I would also have to set my expectations that not everyone will be able to attend, and make peace with that. Eg my friends DH had to drop out of one week before due to childcare falling through.

Sharptonguedwoman · 04/04/2025 07:32

Weddings are really boring for small children. What about a paid nanny for the day for yours?
Church/photos/posh meal that kids won't like. I wouldn't take them. If it's a short ceremony then a cheerfully casual type wedding reception, maybe. I went to a lovely reception once in a massive garden, kids would have been fine there.

Wtafdidido · 04/04/2025 07:33

They can choose the wedding they want. If they don’t want children there then they are wise to make no exceptions as accepting yours will make it hard for them to refuse others and before you know it you have 30+ kids running round screeching because let’s face it their parents are there for a good time and unlikely to
provide adequate supervision to control any poor behaviour. There’s so much entitlement and crappy parenting about these days so why should the bride and grooms special and very expensive day be hijacked by kids. Child free means the adults can just relax and enjoy the day. I am sure they will be fine if you send your apologies due to lack of childcare.

Moglet4 · 04/04/2025 07:34

ZingyJadePombear · 03/04/2025 17:50

Totally get where you’re coming from - I’m not denying that weddings can be tough on kids and I know some people prefer a quieter or more adult atmosphere. But the part that stings for me is how firm and inflexible the ‘non-negotiable’ bit is.

I wouldn’t dream of letting my kids run riot during speeches or be disruptive but being told there’s no room for any kind of compromise just makes it feel like the vibe/aesthetic took priority over actual family being there.

As for a paid babysitter - I’ve looked into it but with no family nearby and the overnight issue, it’s not just a simple fix. It feels like I’m being asked to jump through hoops just to show up to a day that’s supposed to be about celebrating with loved ones.

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Honestly, I think it’s fair enough to say ‘non-negotiable’ and I have 4 kids so understand that logistics are a nightmare! However, I’ve been on the other side. We stated our wedding was childfree and on the day my cousin turned up with her children in tow. It was frankly outrageous but I wasn’t going to create a scene. As it happens, a couple of guests couldn’t come at the last minute so there was technically space for them but it really wasn’t fair. They were well-behaved on the whole but I still had to stop one of them from poking the cake during the sit down meal and watch them run up and down during that meal too. They have decided they don’t want any children and that is fair enough. It is their wedding, after all. For one day I’m sure you can arrange childcare of some sort, even if it means attending on your own or not staying until the end. Also, don’t take it personally. Much as I’m sure they like your kids normally, they are, at the end of the day, their cousin’s kids - it’s not an especially close relation.

Moglet4 · 04/04/2025 07:41

BatchCookBabe · 03/04/2025 22:56

I mean, it's a mad and wacky thought, but maybe just MAYBE, the OP wants to go to her cousin's wedding with her husband! 😱

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But she can’t have everything she wants; very few of us can once we have kids. She stated she wanted ‘compromise’. It’s not up to the couple to compromise, it’s up to her. Maybe going without her husband is the compromise.

FartfulCodger · 04/04/2025 07:51

CantStopMoving · 03/04/2025 22:11

But as I said before I would have loved to have had children at my wedding but 120 guests is 60 couples, 30 on each side. Both of us filled half of that with family. There just isn’t any room for children! And we don’t even know that many people!

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The numbers I gave included children, and I’d suggest that maybe you do know quite a lot of people if you are struggling to keep it under 200. Or that you are inviting people you feel you “have to” invite, idk. The wedding I’ll be going to is child free and 2 tier for this reason - two things I just would not do and neither would the vast majority of the people I know.

CantStopMoving · 04/04/2025 08:00

FartfulCodger · 04/04/2025 07:51

The numbers I gave included children, and I’d suggest that maybe you do know quite a lot of people if you are struggling to keep it under 200. Or that you are inviting people you feel you “have to” invite, idk. The wedding I’ll be going to is child free and 2 tier for this reason - two things I just would not do and neither would the vast majority of the people I know.

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no I struggled to keep under 100 as I articulated earlier! No venues around me were any larger than about 110. In order to have had children we would have had to have had a bigger venue

Iceandfire92 · 04/04/2025 08:08

Moglet4 · 04/04/2025 07:34

Honestly, I think it’s fair enough to say ‘non-negotiable’ and I have 4 kids so understand that logistics are a nightmare! However, I’ve been on the other side. We stated our wedding was childfree and on the day my cousin turned up with her children in tow. It was frankly outrageous but I wasn’t going to create a scene. As it happens, a couple of guests couldn’t come at the last minute so there was technically space for them but it really wasn’t fair. They were well-behaved on the whole but I still had to stop one of them from poking the cake during the sit down meal and watch them run up and down during that meal too. They have decided they don’t want any children and that is fair enough. It is their wedding, after all. For one day I’m sure you can arrange childcare of some sort, even if it means attending on your own or not staying until the end. Also, don’t take it personally. Much as I’m sure they like your kids normally, they are, at the end of the day, their cousin’s kids - it’s not an especially close relation.

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This is outrageous of your cousin! If this happened to me, I would have asked a close family member to remove them and send them home. How dare her little shit devil spawn poke holes in your beautiful wedding cake! What on earth is wrong with people? Soooo entitled!

Renamedyetagain · 04/04/2025 08:08

Op: AIBU?
Posters: yes
Op: but x, y...
Posters: yabu
Op: and Z...
Posters: YABU

Wolfpa · 04/04/2025 08:15

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 03/04/2025 20:07

I don't see any strops. The OP is upset, and that's allowed!

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Not going because you have no child care is one thing. Refusing to go because you think your cousin is selfish is a strop.

HellDorado · 04/04/2025 08:19

Moglet4 · 04/04/2025 07:41

But she can’t have everything she wants; very few of us can once we have kids. She stated she wanted ‘compromise’. It’s not up to the couple to compromise, it’s up to her. Maybe going without her husband is the compromise.

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Exactly. The “compromise” OP seems to want is that she gets exactly what she wants and the couple actually getting married don’t. That’s stretching the definition of “compromise” to breaking point.

LuckySantangelo35 · 04/04/2025 08:23

EntropyCentral · 04/04/2025 00:45

Most people would value friends over their cousins children (second cousins?) tbh

Of course they would. Weird to think otherwise

I think EVERYONE would tbh

SparkyBlue · 04/04/2025 08:25

Only on MN do I come across people being upset about child free weddings. I've never ever come across this in real life. I'd never expect my DC to be invited to a wedding unless it was my own siblings wedding who my DC would be very close to. Most weddings I go to it's only the DC of the B&G or the B&Gs nieces and nephews and sometimes children who had travelled from abroad for the wedding. It wouldn't have entered my head to have expected my children to be invited to my cousins wedding last year.

Moglet4 · 04/04/2025 08:27

Iceandfire92 · 04/04/2025 08:08

This is outrageous of your cousin! If this happened to me, I would have asked a close family member to remove them and send them home. How dare her little shit devil spawn poke holes in your beautiful wedding cake! What on earth is wrong with people? Soooo entitled!

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I can’t disagree!

EntropyCentral · 04/04/2025 08:55

I don’t go to child-free weddings. I have very little tolerance for the current “it’s Our Day” culture

But .. . . it's two people getting married! It is their day! And it's not a new idea
to not invite children to a wedding. Many years ago it was an oft chosen option to the point that would be odd for anyone to question it.

LindtDorLabrador · 04/04/2025 09:03

This is a long old thread and it's probably been said already but yabu op, really U because of the Pinterest comment. You must understand that if they let your kiss come, even if they agree either you that they're no harm then they will have other kids they have to include. They'll also be spending a fortune on you attending, so please try to have some gratitude. People do all sorts of weddings their own way, you can please everyone. A lot of people like the idea of eloping but can't because family can't or won't afford it, a childless wedding you can get to or can simply decline the invite to is not something to get worked up over. I also really don't think weddings are a place for children at all, they don't get it, rarely want to be there and it completely changes the tone of the day. I saw your comment about just them coming for the ceremony but that's really the part that kids are least wanted at incase of issues. Not your kids necessarily but they have to have a blanket rule done they.

WeAllHaveWings · 04/04/2025 09:18

Sofiewoo · 03/04/2025 19:36

@WeAllHaveWings That they are opportunities for children to learn about our traditions and culture and the importance of family.
However if someone decides they don’t value that then up to them. I would silently judge their priorities

Why would your children learning about culture and traditions by of my priorities when planning and paying for a wedding? 😂

Not my children, any family children, because they are part of my family.

All the children in my extended family are very important to me and building and maintaining those bonds through very special events like weddings, where families are brought together and memories made, do matter and it is actually what makes those events special rather than just another adult only party.

But if the children in your family isn't in your priorities, you do you. 🤷‍♀️

OliphantJones · 04/04/2025 09:18

No one likes your kids as much as you do. More parents need to understand that.

gannett · 04/04/2025 09:18

BatchCookBabe · 03/04/2025 21:53

I'm in the minority here, but YANBU in my opinion @ZingyJadePombear I dislike child free weddings and find them snobby, and divisive, and unfair. There are BOUND to be some people who can't go. And it's so mean to exclude extended family like this (And in some cases, friends too.)

If the whole extended family is invited - but no CHILDREN are allowed - someone is going to have to stay and look after the children, so some family members will miss out.

My friend's 2 daughters were invited to her brother's wedding (15 years ago,) as they are his nieces. They were flower girls, (5 and 7 at the time.) But the children of her and her brother's 3 cousins weren't invited (7 children in all, and all under 16.) As the aunts and uncles and grannies etc were going, the cousins couldn't come either.

The relationship was never the same with my friend's brother and their 3 cousins after that. (Or my friend, as her children were invited... so the 3 cousins were pissed off with her too.) They all held a grudge and have never invited my friend or her brother - or any of their (5) combined children to anything. Their DC's big birthday parties, engagement parties, several weddings, nothing.

It's fine to exclude family members children (and the family members themselves) if you don't give a shit about them and don't care about your relationship being affected by snubbing them and their children. You do you. I wouldn't do it. The 'their wedding, their choice' brigade really boil my fucking piss. It's not OK to treat family and friends like this. As my friend's brother has found out (to his cost.)

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Why is it "to his cost" that he had less contact with a bunch of petty-minded, grudge-bearing twits? That's a happy side effect in my book. Always satisfying when deeply annoying people flounce out of your life without you having to really do anything.

WimpoleHat · 04/04/2025 09:22

OliphantJones · 04/04/2025 09:18

No one likes your kids as much as you do. More parents need to understand that.

I completely agree with this. But - equally - nobody else is as bothered about your wedding as you are. And I think a lot of people these days forget that!

I honestly don’t understand the angst around this issue. It’s an invitation on terms. If you are keen to go and are happy with the terms, then go. If you aren’t keen to go, or don’t want to go without your kids, then politely decline. (Equally, if you’re the bride/groom and you’ve said “no kids”, you can’t be miffed that people with kids say “no thanks”.)

XWKD · 04/04/2025 09:25

They're not being selfish, but you are. You're disparaging the way they want to conduct their wedding because it doesn't suit you.

gannett · 04/04/2025 09:26

Bowies · 03/04/2025 20:22

I agree, but it seems now to be all about the couple and what they want to the exclusion of everyone else, rather than a celebration with family and friends and catering to them as guests.

What I agree is selfish has become mainstream acceptable though.

i would decline also in your place.

You are aware that many guests actively prefer child-free parties?

If DP and I ever bother to get married we'll have a child-free celebration. I've canvassed my parent friends and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are NOT allowed a child-friendly wedding, they want to have a night off.

The thing with catering to guests is that you can't actually cater to everyone's preferences at once. You have to choose some preferences over others. The crux of this issue is that OP is put out because it isn't her preferences being catered to (but the couple may well be catering to - for example - the groom's sister who's suffering from infertility, or the bride's best friend who wants a night off from parenting).