To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

I mean, it's a mad and wacky thought, but maybe just MAYBE, the OP wants to go to her cousin's wedding with her husband! 😱

Not what I said.

I’ve never understood the no kids thing. We had kids at our wedding longgggg before we had children and barely noticed them - when we did notice them they were just being funny and silly or dancing! What’s the issue?!

It's their choice and I don't think anyone has the right to tell them what to do for their wedding. You are not unreasonable to attend if you don't want to. You don't have to like their choice. It's really up to you.

So YOU don’t know anyone who’d feel like that. So bloody what? You’ve seen just as I have that several people on this thread they WOULD be pleased about this. Just because you don’t know any of them personally it doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

For me a wedding is about joining 2 families, and should be a family occasion. It’s sad to exclude children. YANBU OP.

I hate it when kids run around and slide about the floor. If I was paying lots of money to plan my day, I'd choose who I wanted to come. I'm a teacher with four of my own (adult) children. Your wedding, your choice.

Her behaviour suggests otherwise.

Yeah but she can't because someone needs to look after their kids and she said childcare is a problem.

Therefore if she really wants to see her cousin get married, she could go with another family member.

It's not the bride and groom's fault if the OP's husband won't look after his own kids.

But the bride and groom want to have a wedding with no children present.

I wouldn’t dream of letting my kids run riot during speeches or be disruptive but being told there’s no room for any kind of compromise just makes it feel like the vibe/aesthetic took priority over actual family being there

Yeah, everyone says that. Everyone says they wouldn't dream of letting their kids run riot yet at every wedding I've been to there have been kids running riot, same for other events such as christenings, golden weddings etc.
So someone is letting their kids run riot.
That's why a lot of people choose to have childfree weddings. It's their choice. And to be fair to everyone the rule has to apply to everyone.

You are not being excluded and discriminated against or whatever you are claiming. You can still go to the wedding. You can organize child care or your husband can stay at home and you go to the wedding.

Cost.

Numbers at the venue.

Nearly all the weddings I've been to have been close family children only.

This means only nephews and nieces of the bride and groom have been allowed to attend. Cousins and friends children aren't invited.

The only exceptions have been when the bride and groom have had a child or children themselves over 5. Even then only certain children are invited.

YANBU. We had children at our wedding and I loved having them there. I think children should be at family gatherings like weddings.

But they're not BU to think differently. Unless they get annoyed if people decline the invitation because of the no children rule, then they're being very unreasonable.

@Sofiewoo · Today 20:39

Do all these “selfish” ranting posters turn up on their friend’s doorstep with a pack of kids when they’ve individually been invited over for a glass of wine because how dare you leave kids out? 😂

Not even remotely the same. 🙄

A child free wedding is what they want and why shouldn't they? You can be as annoyed as you like but you also don't have to attend.

Yes, you have said they should change their minds, for you (flexibility/exceptions for close family)

it's their important life event, not yours.

You have got childcare options, you just don't want to take them because you want it all your way.

Yes, you can feel how you feel. You don't want to hear that's not reasonable, so I give up. Pay a babysitter. Go by yourself so you DH can look after your children or don't go.

For one reason or another, your cousin doesn't want children at their wedding yours or anyone else's and it's not your life event it's theirs. All you need to do is accept or decline their invitation

To clarify, because you’re being deliberately obtuse. Why can’t you go alone, without your husband, so he can look after the kids? It’s your cousin no?

You literally said it should be the parents’ choice.

First, I wonder if we could agree that you're not angry objectively because it's selfish, but because it inconvenienced you personally?
It may not be kind of them, but it's my impression that the choice of guest parameters is up to the wedding couple. Also, consider the possibility that it may not be about you; it may be a situation where a dozen small children would have to be allowed, and it's an all-or-none situation.

Their wedding, their choice. Having said that, I wouldn’t go. I also wouldn’t have close relationships with people who had a child free wedding because I think it’s miserable and unpleasant. But each to their own.

Dont go, and don’t feel bad. They’ve made their choice knowing that it will mean some people can’t attend. And they don’t care. They’d rather have the wedding they want, than include everyone they know. Strange, but legitimate choice.

If the whole extended family is invited - but no CHILDREN are allowed - someone is going to have to stay and look after the children, so some family members will miss out.

But there are two sides to a family. Obviously not everyone is close - either figuratively or literally - to both sides of the family, but it doesn’t make sense to say people won’t have childcare options if the whole extended family is invited to an event.

Let’s say one of our cousins on my mother’s side held a children-free family event; all the adults invited. My sister would still have the option or leaving her son with his paternal grandparents, or relatives on my father’s side - people her son knows well and is comfortable with, but who my cousin doesn’t know from Adam.

There is nothing selfish about organising an important occasion to suit your preferences. I think you are the one who is being selfish here, insisting it should suit your needs.

Hmmm, well most people getting married have a set limited amount of grandparents, who may or may not be able to attend. But I can certainly promise you that at my wedding, I won’t be inviting all my guests grandparents. Of course.

I love child free zones.
Holidays.
Hotels.
weddings.

People getting married actually know their grandparents.
They may not have ever met some of the kids of some guests.