To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

Well I’ve also never been to a wedding with anywhere near 200 people, I’d say most were 80-120. My own was about 65. The upcoming child free one is the first one with 150+ guests.

I always see posts like this on these threads - but way more posts from actual parents saying they love a child free weeding because of the chance of a few hours off! I think il believe people genuinely in that position rather than your “absolute guarantee”.

I'm a parent. I have an active social life and spend plenty of time away from my children. I don't attend childfree weddings because there is a huge difference between going out with friends for an evening leaving the kids with dh and attempting to organise proper childcare including potential overnights. I don't know anyone who jumps for joy at the thought of childfree family weddings.

Not really. It is their event.
If you allow kids, many of whome you might have not even met, you then can't invite people that mean more to you. Weddings tend to have a limit on numbers due to space and catering. They are never a free for all.

I went to a childfree wedding, and ended up sat at a table where a couple had brought along a baby and a 3 year old as they "could not get a sitter"... they complained that their kids were not catered for. Funny that. They just chanced it and were the ultimate CF.

Do they spend much time with your children? We had a child free wedding and one of my cousins didn’t think it right her two children weren’t invited. Literally couldn’t tell you the last time I saw them or spoke to their kids so I wasn’t paying £50 per child for them to attend!

How does society work?

Well there have been plenty of threads about people who've wanted to bring their kids to hen dos, spa days and adult dinners, even when they've already been told no, so ...

Obviously we don't want to return to the "seen but not heard" days, but it does sometimes seem the pendulum's swung a bit far the other way

Well, lots of weddings are local, so don't need overnights.

However, if you have read through the thread, you will see that lots of us much prefer to go to weddings without our children.

I'm closer to some second cousins than first cousins, so I'd have needed to invite their DC too, and those of friends.

The wedding would have had over 100 children!

Children could come to do my weeding.

You're fine not to go. I don't think you have any other options apart from you go and leave kids and partner behind.

If I were in your shoes I wouldn't cut my nose off to spite my face, I'd go without partner and kids if I wanted to eg to catch up with other family and have a nice meal

Apparently by demanding that someone else's event which they have paid for revolves around children with party games and bouncy castles.

You are excluding yourself by being inflexible and accusing the bride and groom of those things. Including your children means including all their children which is a significant expense. Plus you have the option of your DH staying at home and just you going. Take a deep breath, this isn’t about you.

Personally I also find it selfish and miserable to not invite kids. I happily invited kids to my wedding despite not having any of my own at the time. They're family and friends why wouldn't we want them there?

I'm in the minority here, but YANBU in my opinion @ZingyJadePombear I dislike child free weddings and find them snobby, and divisive, and unfair. There are BOUND to be some people who can't go. And it's so mean to exclude extended family like this (And in some cases, friends too.)

If the whole extended family is invited - but no CHILDREN are allowed - someone is going to have to stay and look after the children, so some family members will miss out.

My friend's 2 daughters were invited to her brother's wedding (15 years ago,) as they are his nieces. They were flower girls, (5 and 7 at the time.) But the children of her and her brother's 3 cousins weren't invited (7 children in all, and all under 16.) As the aunts and uncles and grannies etc were going, the cousins couldn't come either.

The relationship was never the same with my friend's brother and their 3 cousins after that. (Or my friend, as her children were invited... so the 3 cousins were pissed off with her too.) They all held a grudge and have never invited my friend or her brother - or any of their (5) combined children to anything. Their DC's big birthday parties, engagement parties, several weddings, nothing.

It's fine to exclude family members children (and the family members themselves) if you don't give a shit about them and don't care about your relationship being affected by snubbing them and their children. You do you. I wouldn't do it. The 'their wedding, their choice' brigade really boil my fucking piss. It's not OK to treat family and friends like this. As my friend's brother has found out (to his cost.)

Space and money?

You don’t know why they’ve chosen to go child free, you’re just being snide in assuming it’s because they want pictures for their socials. It might be because of capacity or cost etc. Regardless of the reason, it’s entirely up to them how they plan their own wedding, or did they get to plan yours?

Would I invite friends or family’s children out for cocktails? So why would I invite them to my wedding party?

And while I understand the financial side, it’s worth noting that not everyone sees their children as just an extra headcount - some of us see them as part of our family unit and being told they’re not welcome anywhere at all naturally creates a disconnect.

It’s all very well to airily declare “My children are worth so much more than a mere extra place at a wedding breakfast”. That doesn’t suddenly make them free. Or that the number of places at the venue will expand to fit them. Accept that your children are your priority - not everyone else’s.

Many years ago my step brother had a child free wedding. As we had 2 small children we chose not to attend, along with my step sister, his sister. The only people who actually attended from my side of the family were my dad and step mum. No one said anything, they enjoyed their day, all was fine. They are divorced now though, and he no longer has anything to do with his own children, or the rest of us!

Her choice, her saving on clothes, travel, accommodation and present, sounds a good deal.

Quite.

They have to draw the line somewhere. How many extra people would be at their wedding if every guest took their kids

No more selfish than you are expecting them to pay for your children to attend their wedding.

I don't think I would wNt kids at my wedding, especially my own 😂

I had a child free wedding. Nothing to do with Pinterest. It was because I wanted an adult relaxed evening without kids and all the associated nonsense. I had a wonderful evening and day. Very happy I made that choice.