To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

I think that's a great template for a wedding. More people should do it.

No, please enlighten me. You said, Take your guests comfort into consideration and say a wedding shouldn't be childfree. Therefore, I assume you need your dc with you at all times to be comfortable

It is not selfish at all.

Child free events are usually much better!

You hit the nail on the head. How selfish of the bride and groom to want to celebrate how they choose! Such bizarre thinking (of that other poster).

No, she thinks she is making some sort of bizarre stand.

If I could sort out childcare easily, I probably would still go but I’d still feel uncomfortable about the message it sends. It’s not just that I can’t attend, it’s how the rigid rule makes people with children feel

Get a babysitter. Job done.
That’s not your party; you can’t dictate your ideas.

Can't you pay for a babysitter in the hotel

I think you're massively overthinking this. Basically YOU value celebrating with your children, and you don't think anyone else's values are as good as yours. Maybe they want a grown up vibe, maybe they're worried about disruption, maybe there struggling with their fertility and you're unaware of it. It doesn't matter though.

You're not being excluded. You're invited! Maybe your husband won't be able to go, but you're still not being excluded. Go, let your hair down and have a blast. I love my kids and I love child free weddings! (We had lots of kids at our wedding.)

Why isn’t it? It’s a private social function thrown and hosted by someone else?
So you’re fine if someone doesn’t want to invite your kids to their house, but if they paid for a venue and called it a wedding suddenly it’s different that they don’t want your kids?

I think the OP probably knows this?

My wedding was child-free because DH’s mates are a bit rough around the edges and we didn’t want people tut-tutting at the language in front of children. I also don’t find it a heart-warming family moment when a baby fusses during the vows, or little Jonny wants to join in the first dance.

YANBU to not go OP. YABU to expect an exception for certain people, and YWBVU to have a pop at them about it, especially some passive aggressive ‘I’d love to but I can’t because of your rules’ nonsense. They’ve probably already factored in who this is likely to exclude, and are happy enough with that.

No, you are the one being selfish here. It is their wedding, their day, and their choice.
I know a lot of parents who would jump at the chance to let their hair down and have a child-free day.
The fact you can't get a sitter is not the couple's problem.

What- that she can’t dictate her ideas and force them onto others and then sulk on mumsnet?

You don’t have childcare, so it sounds like you can’t go anyway.

They’d be very unreasonable to get arsey about it and guilt trip you for not going though - I’m not saying they’re doing that, I just mean that that would be the only unreasonable thing for them to do, the childfree wedding isn’t inherently unreasonable.

Its entirely their choice to have a child free wedding- they can have whatever they damn well like at their own wedding.

You are not being unreasonable not to go either.

The only time childfree weddings irritate me is when the bride and groom huff and pufff and get annoyed that people cant go - having a childfree wedding is absolutely fine, just dont get huffy when you find not everyone will be able to attend is all.

How is she "dictating her ideas" exactly? As for "sulking", she posted for feedback?

Your husband is not related to these people, so why drag him along in the first place? Perfect excuse to go away for the night, catch up with family, and he has the kids for 24 hours, absolutely no big deal surely 😏

Just politely decline.

If we had invited everyone's children, we would have had 30 children under 9. We didn't want that and it meant very good friends of ours wouldn't have been able to attend.

Find a babysitter or decline the invitation.

Are you in contact with their dad? If so, could he look after the kids.

I hate child free weddings. Self indulgent crap from people who don’t understand rites of passage or how society works.

You keep saying that you (and others in your position) have been excluded. You've not been excluded, you are choosing not to go. Your dh could baby-sit and you could have a fantastic time with your other family, including a great catch-up with other cousins. But you are choosing not to do that, you are excluding yourself from the event.

Of course you can feel disappointed that this is not the kind of whole family celebration that you would enjoy, but they're not doing it to hurt you or exclude you, they're doing it because for whatever practical or financial reasons, of simply for preference they don't want children to be there.

I always see posts like this on these threads - but way more posts from actual parents saying they love a child free weeding because of the chance of a few hours off! I think il believe people genuinely in that position rather than your “absolute guarantee”.

The problem is that people’s standards of behaviour differ so much. Some children are a delight at weddings. Others are not - screaming during vows with parents who refuse to remove them , interrupting first dance , speeches, running riot and causing damage etc etc. Some people think this is all fine or funny; others don’t.

People also don’t have unlimited budgets and asking all children can double numbers putting strain on venue number restrictions as well as budgets.

In our family, the rule was always family children only and any ‘babes in arms’ family or not. Children in our family behaved and their parents monitored their behaviour.

’ No children’ selfish? Well so what if it is. Those paying and running the event call the shots. If you don’t like it, don’t go.

Yep. I'm disappointed when my children are expected to be at a wedding. 😂

She asked for feedback, but also made it very clear she thinks the couple are 'selfish'. It's not like she was coming here with an open mind.

I doubt she expected that the majority of people here think she is being unreasonable.