To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

OP said she's refusing to attend because she thinks it selfish. That's different than not being able to attend due to lack of childcare and feeling disappointed.

The latter isn't unreasonable or selfish, can't say the same about the former.

No
But but I do take the goats

another gif just because 😁

This sums it up perfectly, their wedding their choice you don't have to go

I actually had a guest-free wedding! Only the 2 witnesses and the Registrar.
T'was a joyful day. No-one argued, no-one was sick in the aspidistra, and home in time for the news!

I think she’s not going because she hasn’t got anyone to look after the kids and doesn’t fancy leaving her dh and going on her own.
Thats fine…..her choice.

I doubt she’s making a stand for kids rights 🤣

Oh god. That sounds dreadful. If I'm spending £1000s on a wedding, I just don't want it to be a children's party. Each to their own, and if that's the wedding you wanted, then great, but it's not for everyone and I think the only selfish people are the ones who don't understand that.

None of my friends or relatives would dream of having a tacky “child-free” insta-wedding. Ditto two-tier invitations and inviting one half of a married couple.

That isn't what the title says.

Not going because she has no childcare is, of course, understandable.

My niece completely ruined some very emotional and poignant speeches by kicking off, just because the attention wasn't on her. She was 4 years old and thought being a bridesmaid meant the wedding was all about her .

By the time my sibling had given them a 'last warning' , it was too late - the moment was spoilt.

I'd say kids invited to evening do's are fine, but too many ruin ceremonies and speeches In my experience.

This

Yes it was £119 for each child. Interesting that you seem to think you know about our wedding details more than us!

we had our child in a couple of photos for 5 mins but they didn’t attend the day.

@AntiHop
we had games for the adults in between courses ( something friends in France do)
Youd be amazed how far a guy can push a potato hanging from his trouser belt by girating his hips 😃

but I digress……..antiques road trip still a bit crap

So to be comfortable you must have your kids with you? How bizarre

Yabu. Best decision I ever made was a child free wedding. My gran had a brain tumour and severe pain with any noise. Now I've a child I honestly love to go to a child free wedding. Weddings are boring for children and stressful for parents. Say no and don't go. The bride and groom decision and totally the right decision for them.

She mentions the childcare issue in other posts.
Im aware of the actual 2 questions in the thread title. Which I have already posted on. ie. The actual original question

Nope. My two are a handful (3 1/2 & 15m). I'd never be able to sit and chat at dinner and no way would either sit through a ceremony or speeches. Two choices: sitter or stay home. I'd hate for my family to pull focus away from a special moment being filmed, for example, because the day is not about me and my kids.
If my kids were older (say, 10+), different story....

This is a typical reaction of "somebody makes me feel this way" and often the description does not depict a feeling but a perception and interpretation based on your internal landscape, how you organise your thoughts, judgements etc. Being an inconvenience is your perception nobody can make you 'geel' like that and it is not a feeling. The same with selfish, they probably thought this through and took the best decision for the day knowing they cannot please everybody. I suggest you reflect on your own judgements and labelling and learn what meanings you make and how those influence your judgements. You are looking at things solely through your own view of the world and that is yours only.

Don't be daft. It's not the same thing at all.

Gosh
Was this recently ?
I married in 1998 and then it was I think £30 / head for day guests ( not inc alcohol) and £8/ hd for evening guests ( cheese, breads, chocolates etc )

Prices really have shot up ….I’m shocked !

You are being unreasonable because you see the thing is.. the day is about them and not you.
They are allowed to have a day with no children (family or otherwise) crying, shouting, disrupting or just being noisy children, if that’s what they wish to do.
I find the selfish comment ironic, because it’s your expectation that your children should be welcome anywhere, that I would consider selfish.
I also have two young children and no childcare and consider this an entirely reasonable request - my children are my problem, and not anyone else’s.

You know exactly what I mean.

Yes recently. Post Covid

It wasn’t even near the top end of places pricing. We were fairly okay with it (no venue fee, just total food cost per head which was under £10k in total)

All depends on much they mean to you. If close and loved, I would find child care, if not then wouldn't go. Only yoir heart can decide if you want to go.

Worst thing is when child free but certain members of the family are allowed to take theirs. Was local so went but made it clear it we were paying for childcare when the closer relatives didn't have to.

You live and learn. Xx

How is this "current" ?

I was a child in the 60s and 70s and we were didn't go to ANY weddings until we were adults.
During the 80s and 90s I went to lots and lots of weddings and it was rare to see a child.

How do you perceive a couple inviting you to a day of celebration and a party, to be "selfish and unkind" ??? You have a very strange thought process.

As is said so often on here - it is an invitation. If the logistics are too difficult for you to attend, then graciously decline. It's not difficult.

I'm usually in the automatic decline for childfree weddings group but I don't think it's selfish to choose not to invite children.

They don't want children at their wedding. That's their choice. I struggle with childcare, don't drink, don't want "to let my hair down" and given we have travel logistics for the bulk of family weddings, would rather spend money on travel with my children. That's my choice.