To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

When I was in a similar situation when my DH was best man at his cousins wedding. We hired a couple of rooms at the hotel and my darling mum looked after our DS. She took him out most if the day. We popped up gave him a hug and enjoyed a night on our own. DD arrived 9 months later!

My mum drove a long way so that we could go.

Could you do something similar? Get a weekend rental?

I got married decades ago before most people had the internet, let alone Pinterest, or Instagram (as that is often supposed to be a reason for couples choices on their wedding day), and we chose to have a childfree wedding.
Not sure why you think it is 'for Pinterest'.

YABVU to think a B&G "selfish" for choosing the vibe they want at their wedding.

YWNBU to decline if you don't want to go, of course.
Or, you could go and leave the dc with your dh. As it is your cousin then I presume you would know plenty of people there.

In truth, once I had my dc, I was even more appreciative of being able to go to a child free occasion, even though it involved a lot of arranging to have 3dc looked after. On other occasions, I accepted that there were going to be a number of years when our social life was going to be a bit curtailed due to logistics, and missed some events. But not once did I ever think the host of any occasion should change what they wanted to do, for me.

Your kids sound endearing.

@Kandalama the op has mentioned she has a partner on a few of her updates.
If you are going to try and correct someone it would be better to check that you are actually right first of all

Stepping away from the hyper emotional
See dictionary definition posted on this thread

Looking at that purely from an English dictionary definition point of view it is selfish. In fact it’s an exact example of the definition.

I’ve never been to a child free wedding before but have been invited to one this year - and I now have a toddler. It’s a pain in the arse in terms of organising childcare. Equally, the wedding I did take my daughter to, most of the other kids were older and they got really quite rowdy, so I worried about her getting hurt and didn’t enjoy it so much. We’ve said yes to the child free wedding this year but are only going for a few hours and not staying for the evening- is that an option?
I’m really not into other people’s children but would never have dreamed of having my own wedding child free, but I do see some pros of not having children there.

I agree, but it seems now to be all about the couple and what they want to the exclusion of everyone else, rather than a celebration with family and friends and catering to them as guests.

What I agree is selfish has become mainstream acceptable though.

i would decline also in your place.

I’m guessing @TheHerboriste doesnt have kids. Just because the descriptions are really weird

Yes, I agree it's selfish to want to inflict your sprogs on an event where people want to have a fun time with other adults.

@ZingyJadePombear - have you name changed because you're a bit embarrassed about your hard line stance on this subject?

I'm with you op. Dh and I got married before we had kids. But we still understood how much easier it would be for our guests if the wedding was child friendly. And we really wanted to celebrate with our friends, relatives and their families. We had games for kids and a bouncy castle.

I had a child free wedding 25 years ago for two reasons: cost and worry about safety at the reception which was in the garden of a house with a moat and various other hazards created by Elizabethan builders with a pisspoor grasp of modern building regs. I would have worried about the children getting hurt and the obvious solution wasn’t to move my reception to a soft play centre. Having spent a lot of time in soft play centres a few years after my wedding I really feel I made the right call.

Oh no, no just a wedding, ANY social event!! If it's not including children it just shouldn't be held! Wedding, birthday, retirement, funeral.....all must include all children!

We had a child free wedding 24 years ago. We’re now in our 50’s with two twenty somethings.
I would do exactly the same again.

That’s a really useful and helpful suggestion for these scenarios.

Where are all these "screaming kids at weddings"? I've never seen any?

I don’t go to child-free weddings. I have very little tolerance for the current “it’s Our Day” culture in which the B&G make selfish and unkind choices, treating their guests like inanimate chess pieces rather than friends and family who have come to celebrate their marriage with them.

If I had my way, children's birthday parties would be childfree...
I jest, of course

where were these weddings out of curiosity? How did they cater for 200 guests or so guests including the children?. When I was looking we couldn’t find anything that was over 100. We might have squished a few more in at a push. Also when I did attend a wedding where my children were bridesmaids my mum was also in attendance so she took them to bed at the hotel to allow me to stay with my friend who was married. If she hadn’t been there I would have had to have left at 8pm to put them to bed.

You sound like truly lovely, thoughtful people in this increasingly selfish world.

But it isn't selfish to demand that children are invited to someone else's event?

If you don’t have reasonably easy babysitting, you just decline. You are a cousin, not a sibling. No one should expect you to go out of your way to attend.

if you were a sibling and all your babysitters were going to be at the wedding, then the hosts would be rude to exclude them because a sibling is a must attend guest to most people. A cousin is allowed to decline.

send them a card and let it go.

Agree.
Forgot about the partner bit but now I recall her mentioning it.
I already tagged a pp who mentioned it before. Of course tags are personal
But here I am
Outing my mistake
For all to see

🤣🤣🤣

Hear hear.

I didn’t even invite my cousins, let alone their kids 😬