To refuse to attend a child-free wedding because I think it’s selfish?

[ZingyJadePombear]

My cousin is getting married and has said it’s a child-free wedding. The problem is I have two young children and no family nearby to babysit. They’ve said it’s “non-negotiable.” I feel a bit hurt because it’s like they’re choosing their Pinterest-perfect day over family actually being there. I understand wanting a certain vibe but shouldn’t weddings be about loved ones more than aesthetics or rules? AIBU for thinking it’s selfish and considering not going?

we have no idea why this couple have chosen child free.

I don't see any strops. The OP is upset, and that's allowed!

Me too. Everyone had a blast, including the parents who initially kicked up a fuss like you. Just don't go.

Maybe that's just your kids.

I’ve read all the comments.
She seems understanding to me and is concerned about leaving her kids with a sitter overnight that she doesn’t know.
The point however is
Does she have a right to feel her cousin is selfish……..which of course she does.

I wouldn’t leave my kids with strangers I just wouldn’t go.

No one wants germy, grubby little diapered toddlers, whiny reception-age children, and sullen pre-teens mooching about an elegant adult event.

Deal with it, entitleparents. Your kids are the center of your universe but they mean next to nothing to just about everyone else.

Where can all the children be seated though? I was had a venue with 100 seats. It was actually the largest in the area. Most were only 80.

so 98 other seats than bride or groom.

that is approximately 49 per side
that is 24 couples each side plus 1

parents, possibly 2 siblings, a few aunts and uncles, cousins, bridesmaids, best man, ushers. Immediate family children. Then friends, neighbours, possibly close work colleagues (plus all spouses) and you are already at the 98.

I would have loved to have had everyone’s children at my wedding but we had limited options for a larger venue and the cost would have been even more prohibitive.

my children were bridesmaids at 3 weddings and whilst it was lovely for them and us to see them all dolled up, it is definitely more fun to socialise when you aren’t keeping an eye on a small person.

Bringing children is not about about the collective guests' comfort, it's about a subset of guest's convenience and preferences. And couples should absolutely consider both the convenience and comfort of their guests, but that does not mean that what a few guests want trumps what the bride and groom want or the enjoyment of other guests. This is real life not a novel with OP as the protagonist - there are hundreds of factors to juggle and trade-offs to make when planning a large event and one cousin's desire to bring her children or how much of a hassle it is to arrange childcare is somewhere in the middle of that list being considered alongside many competing factors. Deciding not to have children at the wedding doesn't mean they didn't consider their guests' comfort, it means that they decided that OP's convenience and preference didn't outweigh a multitude of other factors.

She hasn’t kicked up a fuss.
Shes just on MNet

@TheHerboriste

dont hold back, hun!

No one said she has to go. She’s free to decline. But she could easily leave her children with her own husband, their father, if she wanted to. Her only option isn’t leaving them with a stranger. It’s not relevant.

here we go
OP AIBU
MN Yes
OP no I'm not.

Running around, making a mess with food etc from your last post. Now they’re all germy, grubby little diapered toddlers

Blimey what sort of kids do you have in your life …

Her cousin is 'selfish' for not wanting to pay maybe thousands of pounds to have a load of screaming kids, most of whom he likely doesn't know, at his own wedding?

Not that it's up to the bride and groom to prioritize others on their big day, but what if most guests would actually prefer a childfree wedding? Surely then it would be more 'selfish' to invite children?

Maybe the cousin is thinking about her guests comfort though?
I, as a guest, would prefer a fun adult wedding than a day with a load of kids running about.
It’s the difference between an evening out in a nice cocktail bar and fancy restaurant vs 4pm at a toby carvery with a park attached.

But you are assuming everyone is the same as you. I MUCH prefer my friends to my family so would always prioritise them at my wedding. Not all families are really close and happy.

OPs question is

1. whether her cousin is selfish
2. whether it’s ok to consider not going

Answer

1. according to the dictionary definition of selfish…see posted on thread…..yes it is
2. yes it’s ok to consider not going.

Job done

OP you gave yourself away in your thread title; you asked if you were BU to refuse to attend the wedding because you think it's selfish. You didn't say you couldn't go because you didn't have childcare.

You are free to feel offended that your children aren't invited and refuse to attend in protest but you must realise that the bride and groom will already have considered that some parents may decline the invitation because they can't take their children. Their invitation is literally saying they'd rather you didn't attend than have children at their wedding.

It's their choice and having already considered that some parents can't/won't come your protest refusal will mean nothing. Do what you want but stop stamping your feet.

Given that they're paying for their wedding day then they can do what they like.
If it doesn't suit you to go then don't go.
Kids don't have to go everywhere.
Don't you ever want to just be an adult and not mum?
There was a life before your children.

I think if you make a wedding child free you have to accept that people won’t go if they have kids. Entirely the choice of the bride and groom, but I wouldn’t go to a wedding I couldn’t take my kids to. Not that I’d care as I hate weddings.

And visa versa

Everyone has different opinions
Thats what makes mumsnet such a laugh sometimes

So, politely decline, then let the rest of the family know that if they are planning a childfree wedding in the next 40-50 years, they needn't bother sending you an invitation.
That will save you the trouble of being disgruntled and help the wedding planning.

OP if you don’t have anybody you are comfortable with leaving you children with, definitely don’t attend and don’t feel guilty. Your own children come first, always.

One couple I knew who had a child-free wedding were the first to complain about them once they actually had their own children. They literally refused to go anywhere without them for years. When I gave them an invite to my DD’s christening, the first thing she said was ‘well of course we won’t be attending if our DDs aren’t invited.’ I had written all 4 names on the invitation! It was them who banned children from their wedding, not me! The hypocrisy once they had their own children was off the chart 😂

Children can easily double the cost of a wedding. Don’t assume it’s all about the pictures. Just don’t go.

I had a child free wedding (apart from nephews and nieces and 2 babes in arms) because if everyone brought there kids I would have had 45 children at my wedding! I teach 30 kids daily, it’s ok to want a more adult affair for your wedding.